


Alexander & Jane: Interlude

by LordofKavaka



Series: What's In A Name [2]
Category: Castle
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst, Betrayal, Biting, Desk Sex, Developing Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, Family, Forgiveness, Friends With Benefits, Friendship/Love, Kissing, Love/Hate, Mild Language, Misunderstandings, Past Relationship(s), Reconciliation, Reconciliation Sex, Romance, Rough Sex, Secret Identity, Sequel, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Unconventional Families
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-25
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-09 12:27:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 53,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/774176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordofKavaka/pseuds/LordofKavaka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to ALEXANDER & JANE; Castle and Beckett must deal with him digging into her mother's case against her express orders, while at the same time balancing their renewed romantic relationship with family obligations. Caskett-Season 1 AU. -Part 2 of the WHAT'S IN A NAME series-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Picks up immediately where "Alexander & Jane" left off... basically its kind of a continuation of season 1 from "A DEATH IN THE FAMILY" but in my WHAT'S IN A NAME universe, where Castle and Beckett met 9 years prior to season 1 and had a three month love affair that ended badly due to some misunderstandings and assumptions, not to mention producing a son that Castle was unaware of until they reunited. If you haven't read "Alexander & Jane" I'd recommend you read it before this.

_ "You can't keep that from her," Martha said, her voice firm while her eyes gleamed with sympathetic understanding. _

_"I know," he grunted. "But she said if I opened the file, that we'd be through."_

_His mother put her hands on her hips and shook her head at him. "Do you really believe that, Richard?" she questioned, unconvinced. "After all the hard work you two have done to put to bed past mistakes, I think you should give her a little more credit."_

_He gave her a hard stare, knowing full well she had stressed the word 'bed' on purpose. It had only been their second night together, after their initial recoupling, when Martha had nearly walked in on them in flagrante delicto. It was so embarrassing. He had to shield Kate's nude chest, her legs still cradling his hips as he hovered over her. Thank god they'd had the good sense to wrap the covers around them… otherwise his mother would have been graced with a view of his naked derriere._

_And of course, his mother wasn't even fazed by it. She just apologized quickly and with a "Carry on, kiddos!" she was ducking out of the room and closing the door behind her._

_Needless to say, the mood had been killed._

" _She loves you, Richard. And you love her."_

" _I know," he ground out, snapping back to the present. "But… you don't know how she can be, Mother. When things are personal, she'll jump to conclusions. And hold grudges. I think the last nine years can attest to that fact." He paused to heave in a deep breath. "She's going to take this personally, which she should, considering the case. But it's not like I've blatantly disobeyed her orders."_

" _Yet you have," Martha asserted with a casual shrug of her shoulders, not really helping. She sighed, giving him an apologetic look. "I didn't mean it like that, darling. I'm sure if you explain things, she'll understand why you did it." Castle gave her a dubious look. When Kate was pissed off, it really wasn't easy to explain things. "Whatever her reaction is going to be… it doesn't matter. She has to know."_

 

XXX

Rick Castle stood outside in the hallway, ignoring the bustle of doctors and nurses around him, trying to buck up the courage to knock on the door and announce his presence. His conversation with his mother was running through his mind. Momentarily, he pondered when his mother had become so wise. He shook his head. That didn't matter. What mattered was that she was right. He knew she was. He had new information that could give Kate a lead. He had to tell her.

But he was torn.

For purely selfish reasons, he wanted things to keep going as they had been. Kate was more open, and happier than he'd seen her in a long while. Her smile illuminated his world, and he loathed to disrupt that. Yet, he couldn't keep this from her. It was too important, too sacred to do so. Even if this upset their lives, it was the right thing to do.

She had to know.

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, Castle pushed forward, inching the door open. Her beautiful laugh pealed through the room, causing his heart to constrict with inner turmoil, knowing that he was about to unbalance her psyche. He paused, at the threshold, unashamedly eavesdropping on their conversation.

"No, you didn't. Stop making me laugh," that was Sorenson.

Castle gritted his teeth. He wasn't ashamed to admit he didn't like the guy. Call it jealousy, or just overprotectiveness, but he just knew that the FBI agent was keen on reconnecting with Beckett. And after he'd gotten injured while reluctantly assisting them on a case, Kate seemed more willing to forgive and forget Sorenson's past indiscretions than he was.

"Oh, come on," Beckett said, a teasing lilt to her voice. "It's not like you've been shot or something."

His heart wrenched up when the two laughed together, as if they were reliving old times, when they'd been dating. Castle knew it was petty, but he wanted to be the only one that could make her laugh like that.

"I thought you were over sprinkles," Sorenson said, catching Castle's interest.

He peeked his head around the edge of the door, spying Beckett picking at a rainbow sprinkled donut. He frowned. She didn't like sprinkled donuts. He'd gotten her one once, and she'd told him that she couldn't stand them.

Beckett smiled, and broke off some of the pastry before nibbling on the tidbits. "Maybe not," she replied with what looked like an enticing smirk.

 _Great_ , he thought, _after all that hard work, she's lowering her defenses and letting jerk face back in_. Swallowing his jealousy, knowing now was not the time for it, Castle rapped his knuckles along the surface of the door.

"Oh look, it's the writer monkey," Sorenson sneered. Beckett gave him a mild 'grow-up' glare, but her eyes were still sparkling with amusement, before turning to give Castle a questioning look. Meanwhile, the injured FBI agent continued, "What is he still doing here? Haven't you finished your book yet?"

"Last chapter," Castle replied with a crisp nod of his head before focusing on Beckett. "Do you have a sec?"

Beckett raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. "Sure," she nodded. Turning back to Sorenson, she murmured a quick, _excuse me_ , and put the remaining donut back down on his tray before standing up.

"Watch it, Kate," Sorenson said with a teasing smirk. "He likes you."

Beckett rolled her eyes and chuckled, turning to Castle. _Oh, you don't know the half of it_ , Castle thought. "You'll have to forgive him. He is heavily medicated," she said, putting a hand on his arm to direct him out into the corridor.

Once out of the room, she let her hand drop down his arm to his hand, interlacing their fingers. She smiled at him, knowingly. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous, Castle," she teased, her tongue flicking out between her teeth as she smiled.

Castle heaved in a deep breath. She knitted her eyebrows together, confused when he didn't squeeze her hand back.

"You look awfully serious," she observed, narrowing her eyes worriedly. "Is everything okay?"

He directed them a little ways down the hall, and gestured towards a row of plastic chairs. "Take a seat."

Beckett chuckled. "What?"

"Sit down."

"Castle, what's going on?"

This was it. There was no going back. He took in a deep breath to try and calm his nerves, but it didn't work. His nerves were already frayed.

"It's about your mother."

He watched, crestfallen, as her smile disappeared and she staggered back, letting go of his hand. Her demeanor completely changed from that light teasing to a somber shock.

Castle waited for a response, but he got none. She seemed incapable of speech. Her eyes were large and expressive, just the hints of tears threatening. Her mouth moved, but there was no sound. If he had to name it, he'd say that she looked shell-shocked.

Inhaling a quick breath, he decided to tear the bandage off. "I've had someone I trust take a look at the case file, and Kate, he found some things that I think might give us some—"

"You… _what_?!"

Castle cringed at the harsh tone in her voice. She was pissed. So very pissed. And rightly so, really. She'd told him—specifically told him—not to do this. But, being him, he couldn't help himself. He had to, knowing that for her to fully become the woman he knew she could become, to fully embrace life and a promising future, she had to have closure. He knew it. Her dad knew it. Hell, even Esposito knew it, otherwise the detective would never have given him access to the case file in the first place.

And Castle knew, not just from the current woman before him, but also from the woman he'd known only as Jane, that if this case were never solved, it would haunt Kate Beckett for the rest of her life.

"Kate—"

"No. Just… No," she held up her hand to forestall any explanations or excuses he might have. "You… don't get to do that. Not now."

He took in a deep breath, unsure how to handle this. It was decidedly new territory for him. Her anger wasn't anything new. He'd had to deal with that before. But that's not what he was seeing, was it? He knew what Kate Beckett looked like angry. And this was not it.

"Look," he hedged, cautious, as if he was stepping around broken glass. "I get that you're angry. I do."

" _Angry_?" Beckett sputtered, eyes wide, brows raised in amazement at his audacity. "Damn right I'm angry." She jabbed her finger into his chest. "Damn it, Castle, what did I tell you? I gave you one simple rule. Stay the _hell_ out of my mother's case. And what do you do? You go digging right into it!"

"I—"

Again, she interrupted, "I can't believe you did that. I… I just can't." Beckett pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes, the vein on the side of her forehead throbbing. He wanted so badly to reach out and soothe it away, desperate to make her see that he was only trying to help. But he managed to restrain himself, knowing very well that that would only make things worse.

"I… Kate, I just want to…," words failed him as he fought with all his instincts not to reach out and embrace her. Castle grumbled a silent curse. Out of all the times to not have any words, now was certainly the worse. He let out a shaky breath and looked at her pleadingly, hoping she'd just understand him like he knew she could. No one in his entire life had understood him the way Jane (a.k.a. Kate Beckett) had. For heaven's sake, she had known him without actually _knowing_ him or who he really was.

She _had_ to understand.

She just had to!

But she didn't.

She was already shrinking away from him, he could tell. He'd known her long enough to know when she was pulling back, and that's what he was seeing. The light in her eyes had dimmed, and something crossed her face for a brief moment before she suppressed it. But she hadn't been quick enough. He'd seen it. And it hurt more than the anger. Far more.

It was disappointment.

He'd disappointed her. And that… that was like a knife to the gut.

"Why?" she whispered, like the plaintive cry of a lost sheep. "Why would you do this? I thought you understood… I… I thought…" her voice trailed off and she looked away from him, disillusionment written all over her face.

God, he'd done that to her. He knew her mind, how it worked, and he knew what she was thinking. She was doubting everything again. His love, her love, all of it.

Castle gritted his teeth, vexed by her irrational jumps in logic. It was growing annoying. And frankly, it was quite surprising considering her occupation. If he didn't love her so much, he would be half-tempted to just give up here and now… and walk away. But he did love her. So _very_ much. And he couldn't throw that away. Not after all the time they'd lost, the lives they could have lived if only things had gone differently.

Their families were still two separate units, but should have already been one… from the very beginning, back when Alexander had been born. But, that was not how it had happened. There was no point in dwelling on a past he couldn't change. He had to focus on the future. And he was working on that. He really was. They'd only recently reconciled some of their past mistakes. But, like always, he had to sabotage their success.

It was ironic, he thought, that once they'd finally reunited and reconciled their pasts, a schism was now forming between them… _again_. But this one was of his own making.

She was right. She'd given him one simple rule. And he'd broken it. He'd asked Esposito to give him a peek into Johanna Beckett's case file, and then he had had the bright idea to ask Dr. Clark Murray for an outside consultation, hoping that the forensic pathologist would find something that might shed some new light on the decade's old murder investigation. And he had. That's what was so brilliant and tragic at the same time. He had a new lead for Beckett, yet now she wanted nothing to do with it.

Beckett was still waiting for his response. She was standing there, her back ramrod straight, arms folded protectively over her chest. She was worrying her bottom lip, and purposely not looking at him directly, rather she seemed fixated on some random spot just to the left of his head. It was slightly unnerving, having her glare at him, yet not really.

"I did it for you," Castle couldn't hold back any longer. He was getting fed up with this pattern of running in circles. Besides, it was also the truth.

She stood there in shock, her mouth hanging open in disbelief. She attempted to speak, but she only ended up stammering. Shaking her head, Beckett took a conscious step backwards.

"No," she seethed, the fury returning to her eyes, fueling her rage like wood to a fire. "You wanted the story. Right? You wanted all the gory details to use for Nikki Heat's background. That's all it is with you, isn't it? Just the books. That's all this has ever been about," she gestured between them, "the books!"

He stood there agape, truly at a loss of words for her continued stubbornness to even listen to him and what he'd just said. _Damn it, Kate, read between the lines! You know what this has been about, and it has never been about the books!_ Castle wanted so badly to reach out and shake her. However, doing so would only further aggravate the situation. He had to clench his hands into fists at his sides to prevent himself from doing anything he might regret.

"How can you _even_ say that?" he shouted back, completely ignoring the fact they were standing in the middle of a hospital corridor. Some of the nurses making their rounds paused and glanced their way, some with interest, others not.

Castle heaved in a quick breath and raked his fingers through his hair, averting his gaze for a moment, trying to delay this big blow up for as long as he could. God, it had just been a few weeks ago that he'd woken up to find a deliciously naked Kate Beckett in his bed, decidedly determined for another round. Now he had an unsettled feeling developing in the pit of his stomach.

The last time he'd had that feeling was when he'd been talking with Jane on the phone and suddenly realized she was at the same bookstore that was hosting his very first book signing. She was waiting in line to get _his_ autograph, oblivious to the fact that the man she was so excited to meet—author Richard Castle—was in fact the very same man that she had known as Alexander Rodgers. And after that whole fiasco, he hadn't seen her for nine years. Not again. He wasn't going to let her run away this time.

Having calmed somewhat, Castle made his move. Before she could object, he grabbed her arm and pulled her into an empty room. He tried to take some comfort in the fact that she did not resist, but there was little to be had at the moment.

Once Castle was sure that they had some privacy, he turned back to her, setting his brow, determined to remain steadfast in his arguments and not allow her to get the upper hand. God, who was he kidding? She'd always have the upper hand.

"Now you're going to listen to me, Kate," he ground out, not caring how his tone sounded. "I've spent the last couple of months having you give me the cold shoulder and act like what we had wasn't worth trying to rebuild—"

"I never said that—"

"Let me talk, okay?" he waited to see if she'd let him continue. Beckett swallowed slightly and gave the tinniest of nods. "It wasn't my intention to hurt you. I never wanted to go behind your back, but I had too. That case… Kate, it holds you back. You may not have been actively pursuing it, but it's always in the back of your mind. We both know that. Remember how you were when we met? When you were Jane and I was Alexander? You were spiraling down because of it. You'll never have peace of mind until you have some sort of closure, and don't try to deny it."

"I won't," she stiffly replied.

"Good," he tilted his head, arching an eyebrow, a little surprised she'd even admit that. "What I'm saying is that I recognize the fact that this is something that is a part of you, and always will be. You're burdened by it… and I—"

"Wanted to share the load?" she asked, tone neutral.

"In a manner of speaking, yes," Castle bobbed his head.

He watched as Beckett took an imperceptible breath. "I…," she paused, turning away for a moment as she brushed her fingers through her hair. She'd started letting it grow out since they reunited, a fact that hadn't gone unnoticed by him. "Castle… I…," she was fumbling over her words now, but the weight she held to them was clear. "Look, I… need… time, to process all this."

"Okay," his lips barely moved, his heart seemed suspended in motion. "How much time?"

"I… I don't know," she shook her head, making a point of not meeting his gaze. She was focusing on the floor, her fingers playing with the hem of her sweater. "When… I'm ready to… discuss this, I'll give you a call." Her eyes flicked up and she finally looked at him. He swallowed. She was unreadable. "Alright?"

"Alright," Castle replied, his shoulders slumping in defeat. He was not going to win today. _Nope, not today_. He inhaled deeply through his nostrils and locked eyes with her. She was somewhat hesitant, but he could still read the steely determination in her eyes. "You _will_ call?"

"Yes," she replied, and that was as close to a promise as he would ever get from Kate Beckett.

Not knowing what else to do with them, Castle shoved his hands into his pockets. "Whatever you may think of me, you have to believe me when I say I never meant to betray your trust or hurt you," he said, to which she scoffed and rolled her eyes. He sighed and forced their gazes to meet. "I love you, Kate. I really do. If you believe anything, _please_ at least believe that. Because it's the truth. I'm insanely in love with you and I… in my own pigheaded way, I was just trying to help."

"I believe you," Beckett conceded. But to which part, he didn't know.

Castle nodded, and gave a weak smile, but it wouldn't reach his eyes. He hated this, leaving on such terms, with the tension still thick enough to cut with a knife. But there was little else he could do today. It was like she said. He had to give her time to process his betrayal. Because, when it came down to it, no matter his intentions or results, she viewed this as a betrayal. And that's what he had to do too if he was going to make amends and somehow return them back to the almost surreal reality they'd been living in for the past few weeks before the preverbial bubble popped.

With a brief nod, Beckett eased passed him and back out into the hospital corridor, heading back to Sorenson's recovery room. Castle tried not to read too much into that. He knew she felt guilty over how the FBI agent had been shot as a result of their investigation into the murder of Dr. Joshua Leeds, the plastic surgeon.

He stood there, in the doorway, leaning against the frame as he watched Beckett from afar. She paused at the door to Sorenson's room, tentatively glancing back over her shoulder at him. Her eyes still held that disappointment mixed with betrayal look. But there was also something else there, glistening in the depths of her expressive eyes. He hoped it was forgiveness and love, love at the very least. Because he didn't know what he'd do if he couldn't have her love. Beckett bit her bottom lip and looked away, slipping through the door and disappearing.

Castle sighed and pushed off from the doorframe, ignoring the looks of the nurses as he stormed passed. He had to get the hell out of this damn hospital.


	2. Chapter 2

Kate didn't know what to feel. Sure, she was angry. She wanted to yell at him, severely chastise him for doing the one thing she had asked him not to do. But, at the same time, she was also so very disappointed, and that seemed to outweigh the anger, which was what had stayed her hand when it had been so tempting to just slap the living hell out of him.

Letting out a dejected sigh, she glanced away from him as he stood there, looking forlorn and remorseful—though she had noticed that despite everything he'd said, he hadn't actually articulated a proper apology. She took a slow breath, and pushed forward, entering Sorenson's room.

Will was lying back, resting his head in the propped up pillows. He appeared to be asleep, but his eyes opened the moment she entered the room, and he smiled, a slight tug of his lips that was so very telling. He knew something was up, and because of his doped up mind, he probably thought that if he oozed out the charm he could find out what it was. She fought the urge to roll her eyes.

"So… what did Writer Monkey want?" he asked, the undertones of jealousy in his voice.

"Nothing that concerns you," Kate answered curtly, once again taking up her seat beside his bed. "And don't call him Writer Monkey, he's Alexander's father, not some stupid ape." Even if that's how she thought of him at the moment, she wasn't going to allow anyone else too.

"Fine," Sorenson grumbled.

Kate knew that her behavior as of late had been odd. She had felt slightly guilty that Will had been shot while helping them out with a case, and when she had first arrived at the hospital, he'd been so drugged that it had been easy to just fall back into their old pattern of flirting. It didn't mean anything… she was just trying to be polite and have a little bit of fun. Plus, she did always like teasing him. It was one of the things she'd found most enjoyable when they were together. And he didn't seem to mind. Will was very keen on pretending that nothing had changed, that there was no Rick Castle and all that he'd learned about her past with the bestselling author wasn't real.

Like her first relationship with Castle, her relationship with Sorenson had been intense, but brief. But whereas she'd only been with Castle for around two or three months before it all went sideways due to misunderstandings and assumptions, Kate had been with Sorenson for six months before it ended.

However, in the matters of her heart, when put next to Castle, Will Sorenson was nothing more than a blip. She'd never really loved him. She had liked him… a lot, enough so that she had agreed to date him, partly in an attempt to finally move on. And she had been so very lonely and in need for physical companionship. He was the only man she'd ever slept with after Castle. And for a while, she thought it would work, that she'd found someone who could be both a husband to her and a father to little Alexander. But then he'd gotten his promotion and wanted her to drop everything to move with him to Boston.

And that's how it ended. His sudden proposition of moving away from New York had been the final straw, forcing her to acknowledge what their relationship really was. She'd never love him. He would never be enough. Never be what she wanted. Because what she had wanted was Richard Castle. Hell, she had even admitted it to herself, at the time, that she was probably still in love with the rakish mystery author.

"So… you two… you're back together?" he asked, pulling her out of her thoughts. It had been a while since she'd gotten lost in her thoughts like that, and it was a little embarrassing.

"Yeah, we are," she replied without hesitation, reaching back for the sprinkled donut, nibbling at it anxiously.

"And you're sure everything is okay?" Sorenson pressed.

She narrowed her eyes at him, knowing he was trying to find an opening that would tell him that her and Castle weren't totally serious again.

"As I said, none of your concern," she replied with a firm voice. And it really wasn't. What went on between her and Castle was just that… between her and Castle. She wasn't going to let anyone butt in, especially when that someone else was an ex-boyfriend who made no secret that he wanted to get back together; despite the fact she'd made it very clear that that was not going to happen.

"Okay," Sorenson gave a shrug, dropping the topic, which was odd for him.

Early, in his futile attempts to woo her back, he'd been trying to pretend the whole incident at the precinct hadn't happened. It had been a couple of weeks since she'd punched him in the nose for roughing up Castle when he had seen the writer pinning her to the back wall of the precinct elevator, kissing her hard and fierce. The memory of it—both punching Sorenson in the face, and the way Castle had been kissing her, not to mention the way his hands had deliciously roamed her body—still made her smile slightly, but only slightly, just a little tug of her lips, nothing more.

Her thoughts darkened though, recalling what had just occurred out in the corridor and in the empty hospital room. For the time being, Kate wanted to forget about it. Though she fully understood that she couldn't let it sit for too long. If she did, the whole thing would fester and the damage would be irreparable. And that was something she did not wish to happen.

But for now, she just wanted to be distracted from serious things.

Schooling her features, and thoughts, Kate smiled back at Sorenson and feigned levity, quickly returning them to the fun and light conversation that they had been having before Castle had shown up with his somber news.

After an hour or two, maybe three, Kate was growing tired of putting up a happy front—plus Sorenson really did need rest to recover from his injuries. Not to mention, she was getting irritated with all his little comments that implied they were getting back together when that was so obviously not the case. So, she excused herself and made her way home, hoping to find some solace with her family. When she unlocked the front door of the apartment and let herself in, she found her dad sitting in his favorite armchair watching _Jeopardy_ , occasionally endeavoring to answer the questions before the contestants.

"Hey," she greeted when he glanced over his shoulder in reaction to hearing the front door close.

"Evening, Katie," he gave her a welcoming smile, one she sorely needed. "So… um… how's Will?"

"Doing okay," she answered, shrugging out of her coat and tossing it onto the back of the couch. "He's out of surgery and recovering."

"That's… good," her father said, nodding slightly as he turned back to the TV. She knew her father had never liked Will, which strangely enough had helped a little when she'd broken up with him.

Truth be told, she wasn't really planning on going back to visit him at all… in the hospital or elsewhere, for that matter. He was a big boy; he could deal with the rest on his own. She was done with Will Sorenson. He was the past. Castle was her past, too, but she also saw him in her future, even if she was angry with him at present.

Jim Beckett had long been a proponent of her getting in touch with Richard Castle and trying to reconcile that relationship, even if she had not wanted to rekindle the romance of it. He was one of the few that really knew how much that short time with Castle had helped her after her mother's death, and both of their subsequent downward spirals.

Kate wondered what her father would say to this latest development. Hell, she hadn't even informed him about the recent change in her relationship with Castle. Martha was the only one who knew about them rekindling the romantic (or rather physical) side of things, and that was only because the aging diva had walked in on them while they'd been fooling around in Castle's bed.

It had been rather embarrassing, but thankfully Castle had been able to shield most of her nude body with his own, and it did help that they were under the covers too. Still, it had been a mood killer, much to her chagrin. However, Kate did find it strange that Castle's mother would just barge into his bedroom without knocking.

Jim Beckett hadn't done anything similar to Martha Rodgers, which she was eternally grateful for. She'd be mortified if her father ever caught her and Castle in the act. So, for all her father knew, she was still pushing the writer away and refusing to reconcile.

There was a big part of her that really did not understand why she had ever felt so unworthy of him. That feeling had come out of nowhere, so she couldn't really say why she'd believed that. Part of her knew that it was most likely a result of her stupid assumption of his intentions, and also because of her own shame in regards to keeping the birth of Alex from him. Plus, she'd felt like such a mess, and unworthy of anyone, really, at the time. The whole thing had really been irrational. The feeling had come out of the blue, and she latched on to it, using it as an excuse to keep him at arm's length.

It had also helped with her hurt and disappointment when Castle had caved into his ex-wife's admittedly aggressive advances and slept with her, something that still gnawed at her. At the time it had happened, Kate had believed herself to be partially to blame, seeing as she'd given him mixed signals and had stirred things up, leaving him wanting with needs she was yet unready to assist him with. She couldn't fault him for falling into bed with Meredith, especially when the redheaded actress was so ready and willing to help out with his baser needs—needs that Kate had brought on.

Still, it had bugged her that he was unable to resist. Which, in the end, had probably only added to her confused state and had prolonged their eventual reconciliation.

Kate could still vividly recall the incident that had put Castle into the position of needing someone to fulfill his physical desires. She had shown up at his place, clad in her workout clothes and still sweaty from her intense yoga exercises. Castle had been semi-drunk and angry with her, rightfully so, since he'd just discovered she'd been keeping Alexander a secret. She had wanted to apologize, that's all, but the smell of him—just him, no fancy cologne, mixed with a hint of whiskey—was so very intoxicating. Not to mention, he was kind of sexy when he was angry, all hot and bothered. She'd almost given in to the overpowering magnetism then and there… on the floor of his living room, his mouth devouring hers as his large hands roamed her trembling body.

In retrospect, Kate wished she'd done so, because then things would have been so very different. They'd have had more time to rekindle their romantic relationship before the bubble burst. As it were, they'd only really had a couple of weeks to enjoy one another without life getting in the way.

Shaking her head, Kate frowned at her recent habit of drifting away in contemplative thought. If she wanted to fix things, she was going to have to remain in the present and not get lost in past mistakes. Returning her focus, Kate leaned down to kiss her father on the cheek. It was her way of showing him how much she loved and appreciated him. Jim raised his eyebrows, a little taken aback by his daughter's behavior.

"Is something wrong, sweetie?" he questioned, narrowing his eyes. She could tell from a mile away when her father was attempting to get a read on her.

"No. Everything's fine," she lied, rounding the couch to head for the kitchen. "Do you want some coffee or tea?" she hollered back.

"No, I'm fine," Jim replied, letting the matter drop. "Thanks for asking."

Kate filled the kettle with water as she turned the burner on. The flames burst to life in a small puff, and she slid the kettle over the stove. Tea. Yeah. That's what she felt like. She was too hyper and worked up for coffee. Turning away, Kate returned to the living room and slumped down onto the couch, absently staring at the screen, watching as Alex Trebek spoke with the contestants, which made her think of another Alex.

"Where's Alex?" she asked after a beat, noticing that her son was nowhere to be seen.

Jim glanced up from the TV. "In his room. When he finished his homework, I said he could play on his X-Box."

" _X-Box_?" she echoed in surprise, raising her eyebrows. "Since when did Alex have a X-Box?"

"Uh," her father stuttered. "You… you mean Rick didn't tell you?"

"Tell me _what_?" she narrowed her eyes, suspicious. "Wait. Are you saying that Castle bought him the X-Box?"

Jim let out a breath and nodded, giving her a tight smile, looking relieved that she had guessed correctly and he didn't have to tell her. "Yeah…," he paused, taking in her scowl. "Was he not supposed to do that?"

"Yes. No…," Kate let out a huff in annoyance. "It's fine. It doesn't matter." She slumped back into the cushions and crossed her arms over her chest, knowing that she was pouting like a child.

Her father looked at her cautiously, before shrugging and turning his attention back to the TV. They sat in companionable silence as he occasionally tried to get the answers right as he watched _Jeopardy_. After an interval, the loud piercing wail of the heated kettle pulled Kate out of her apathetic torpor.

Pushing up off the couch, she went back into the kitchen and turned the burner off. She opened the cabinets and pulled out a mug, filling it with boiling water as she opened a drawer and rummaged for a package of herbal tea. Letting the teabag soak and percolate within the water, Kate sighed and lolled her head forward, using one hand to rub the back of her neck. She could feel the tension in her shoulders and it was making her anxious. She had nervous energy that needed to be released, but nothing to do. Her muscles were tensing up from trying to contain it.

Kate picked the mug up and brought the lip up to her nose, inhaling the aroma of the hot tea. She closed her eyes and took a big whiff, allowing the scent to surround and permeate her entire being. Hopefully the herbal tea would help to calm her nerves and ease her worries. The last thing she needed to do was go to bed all tense. If she did, she'd wake up with stiff and achy muscles, and that was not something she wanted.

Taking a sip of her tea, she slipped back into the living room and walked up to her father, lightly touching him on the shoulder to gain his attention. "I think I'll go check on Alex and then go take a bath before bed. Do you need anything while I'm up?"

"No, sweetie, I'm fine," Jim assured her. "Go see Alex, and then enjoy your bath."

"I will," she replied, squeezing his shoulder affectionately to let him know that she appreciated all that he did, and the fact that he wasn't pestering her on her current mood.

Kate marched down the hall, letting her legs carry her as she drummed her fingers on the ceramic of her warm mug. She could hear faint noises emanating from Alex's room. His door was slightly ajar, which informed her she wouldn't get in trouble for intruding on his private time. When he wanted to be left alone, he would close the door fully, though he wasn't allowed to lock it.

Pausing as she reached the door, Kate sucked in a deep breath and forced a smile onto her face. She wasn't going to let what was happening between her and Castle affect her son… _their_ son. She had decided long ago, back when Castle first returned into her life, that she wouldn't let anything stand in the way of father and son bonding.

Even though his door was slightly ajar signaled he'd be okay with an interruption, Kate still lifted her hand and lightly tapped her knuckles on the plywood surface.

"Come in," came Alex's somewhat distracted voice.

Kate pushed the door open and leaned against the doorframe, glancing into the room. Alex was seated on the edge of his bed, facing the TV he'd talked her into letting him get. She didn't like to spoil him, but sometimes it was hard not to give in. And for the most part, he was a good kid, so she didn't feel like she was coddling him. His hands were wrapped around a white X-Box controller. She frowned, still unsure how she felt about her son having a gaming console. But it seemed that it was a gift from the boy's father, and she wasn't going to take that away. Playing video games was something the two of them did to bond.

Flicking her eyes up to the screen, she let out a relieved sigh when she saw that the game he was playing wasn't some shoot 'em up game like _Call of Duty_ or _Modern Warfare_. Kate really didn't know that much about video games, that was more Castle's domain.

Alex glanced over his shoulder and spied her standing in the doorway.

"Hey, Mom!" he greeted her with a smile that melted her heart. He would always be her little man, and she loved him dearly.

Kate smiled back. "This new?" she asked, gesturing to the X-Box.

"Um… yeah," he looked hesitant and nervous, but then he grinned excitedly. Oh, he looked so happy. It had been a while since she'd seen her son this happy. "Dad got it for me."

Kate could not help but notice how his face lit up when he said _Dad_. For a long time he had never had a father. Jim, his grandfather, was the closest thing Alex had ever had to a male role model. And though he was helping in raising her son, Kate knew that Jim didn't want to assume the father figure role.

Alex turned back to the game and paused it. "It's really cool," he continued.

"The game?"

"No… well yeah that too, but that's not what I meant, Mom," he shook his head, still smiling widely.

"Then what?" Kate asked, stepping inside and easing down onto the edge of the bed, sitting alongside him.

"My dad is Richard Castle!" he exclaimed. "I mean, how cool is that!? And I've got the most awesome big sister. She's wicked smart, Mom! Like… I don't know, super smart. It's like she has super brainpowers or something. Last night, she came over and helped me with my math assignment."

"That one you've been struggling with since Monday?" Kate questioned, raising her eyebrows.

Alex nodded in confirmation. "It was super hard, but Alexis made it so simple," his smile was infectious. "You know what? I've got the coolest family. My grandpa can fix anything with his hands, my grandma is a Broadway actress, my sister's a genius, my Mom's a super cop, and my Dad's a famous writer! The kids at school are all kinds of jealous."

Kate smirked and let out a soft chuckle, reaching out to brush his unruly brown hair back from his forehead. "Well, at least you're no longer getting into any fights," she said, smoothing his hair down. It was so untamable, just like his father's. And the same color too.

" _Mom_ ," he whined, grousing at her mothering.

She just chuckled, and leaned back, letting her hand fall down to her side, the tea cup was still cradled in her other hand.

"So, it's ok, right?"

"Hmm?" she hummed in question, still admiring her son's features. He really did inherit his father's good looks.

"The X-Box?"

"Oh, yeah, it's fine, Alex," Kate replied, turning to examine the gaming console. "Just as long as you don't get too addicted to it."

"I won't. Promise!" he declared, looking so earnest and innocent.

She narrowed her eyes at the paused image on the screen, noticing it appeared to be a football video game. "And as long as the games aren't violent," she continued. "And no playing it unless you have finished your homework first."

Alex bobbed his head, agreeing to all her restrictions.

"Good," she smiled, then leaned forward and kissed him on the top of his head. He squirmed and grumbled. He'd reached the age where he tried to downplay her affection for him, like it was somehow embarrassing to have his mom touch him.

"Oh, Mom, I almost forgot… can I go to the zoo with Alexis tomorrow?" he asked, eyes wide and pleading.

"Is anyone else going?" Kate asked. In truth, she'd be fine with just Alexis, she trusted the teen, but with Alex she still felt adult supervision might be advisable.

"Grams is going, and Grandpa said he might too, depending on what happens with his court case in the morning," he answered. "Dad was going to come too, but he forgot that he had to be at a meeting or something… you know, book stuff." Alex grinned widely. He thought it was so cool trying to act all nonchalant about Castle's fame.

"Yeah, I know, book stuff," Kate agreed, nodding her head, and squeezing Alex's arm affectionately. Though unlike her son, her thoughts were scattering to different things, remembering how she'd unfairly accused Castle of digging into her mother's case for book research. She really knew him better than that, but she wasn't ready to forgive yet. Taking a deep breath, Kate heaved herself off the bed. "Well, I'm going to go take a bath. Go back to playing your game… but don't stay up too late. Just an hour more, okay?"

"Just an hour?" he pouted, and he looked so much like Castle at that moment, that Kate had to hold her breath. It still startled her, Alex's resemblance to Castle. She'd never really noticed how similar their features were until the writer returned into her life. It took seeing the two side by side to actually see and recognize it.

"Yes, just an hour," Kate enforced, and then glanced at her watch to check the time. It was Friday, so it wasn't a school night. Normally she'd let him stay up. But since he wanted to go to the zoo tomorrow with his sister and possibly both his grandparents, Alex probably should go to bed sooner rather than later. She had learned fairly early on that he was one of those kids who really needed his sleep. "Then bedtime. Got it?"

He sighed in defeat and inclined his head. "Got it," he grumbled, looking sullen.

Kate shook her head and couldn't resist ruffling his hair again. He grinned up at her, his eyes sparkling. "I'll check in on you before I go to bed."

"I'm not five, Mom," Alex rolled his eyes.

"True enough, but you'll always be my little guy," she said, winking at him before pressing a kiss on the top of his head. She then slipped out of his room and pulled his door back just enough so that it remained slightly ajar, just like it had been before she'd entered.

Kate paused, and stood there for a moment, her ears listening for the noises from his video game to resume before she walked back down the hall towards her room. Entering her bedroom, she took a sip of her tea, and sighed, feeling the warmth slide down her throat. It was comforting, the tea… and the talk with her son. But she was still coiled up, tense, and needing a release. She ground her teeth and huffed in irritation as she stripped off her clothes, making a beeline for the bathroom. Hopefully a nice long hot bath would help.

Only it didn't.

And there was only one thing that could.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: While not necessarily too explicit, this chapter does have some M Rated sexual content.

"No, sweetie, don't worry about me, I'm fine," Castle rushed out, his cell phone pressed tightly against his ear as he desperately tried to mask his growing doleful mood from his little girl. But he had a sinking feeling that she wasn't buying it.

Castle was still replaying the events at the hospital over and over in his mind, wondering what he could have said or done differently. Should he have even told her? He was starting to doubt his own reasoning, but both Dr. Murray and his mother had encouraged him to tell her. Martha had even stressed it, hinting that if he'd kept it a secret any longer it would blow up in his face. _Well, guess what, Mother? It just did. Blew right up in my face! Thanks for the advice_. He was being sardonic, and he knew it, but he didn't care.

" _Are you sure, Dad_?" Alexis asked, the concern heavy in her voice. " _I don't like the idea of you being all alone right now_."

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Of course she knew something was going on. He could never hide the truth from his daughter. And to be honest, it had probably been hard not to realize something had happened, especially when he'd arrived back home looking so forlorn and lost. "I'm fine, Alexis, really… I am," he attempted again, putting as much levity into his voice as he could. "I like being alone. It… uh… gives me time to write."

" _Dad…_ ," she drawled out, not buying it. " _You're lying to me. I can tell. So just… don't. Okay_?"

He sighed, and lowered his head, feeling ashamed for even thinking he could get away with doing so with his daughter. She knew him too well. "Alexis…," Castle started, but his voice choked up.

" _What happened between you and Kate at the hospital_?" she asked, the quality in her voice as it was carried across the line to his ear, reverberating in the speaker, left no doubt that she was more informed than he had originally thought.

Castle's breath hitched up. How did she know? Well, it was obvious that it was something between him and Kate, but for Alexis to know it had happened at the hospital… his mother! Martha was the only one he'd confided in about the incident. His mother had wanted to cancel her date and stay with him, but he had shook his head, urging her to go, which she reluctantly agreed to do. He glanced over at the half-filled glass of scotch. There was a reason he wanted to be alone.

Returning from his ruminations, Castle narrowed his eyes and leaned forward in his chair. "Were you eavesdropping on my conversation with your Grams?"

There was a pause. He knew that such a hesitation meant he had hit the nail on the head. When she spoke again, he could tell that his daughter was embarrassed at being found out. " _I'm sorry, Dad, I didn't mean too. I was just going into the kitchen to get some water, and well… you do know that your voices_ _tend to carry when you're talking in the study, right_?"

He clenched his teeth and cursed the interior design of his loft. Why the hell did he think opened bookshelves could stand in place of a wall? Oh, right… his interior designer. She'd been hot, and… he had gotten distracted.

What the hell was wrong with him back then? He'd been such a womanizing bastard. When he thought about it, really _thought_ about it, the only thing he could think of to explain his behavior back then was that he had been so heartbroken by the loss of Jane from his life that he just threw himself into sordid, meaningless rendezvous because the only woman who wasn't meaningless to him had simply disappeared. _Still no excuse, though_. But she was here now. And again, he'd managed to scare her off.

Castle realized he'd been silent for far too long. He opened his mouth to give his daughter an answer, when he was stopped by a sudden knock at the front door. He frowned, not really in the mood for visitors. He had been glad when he'd initially returned home and found his mother preparing to leave for a date and Alexis hastily informing him that she would be spending a night at a friend's and then going straight to Beckett's apartment to pick up Alex for there trip to the zoo.

During his daughter's explanation, his Mother had noticed his sour expression and while Alexis was upstairs packing for her sleepover, Martha had proceeded to nag him until he coughed up what had happened with Kate. So, when the knocking continued, he ignored it, hoping whomever it was would take the hint and leave.

"Alexis—"

Another knock, more insistent. _Damn it_. Sighing, he gave up.

"Alexis, someone's at the door, I got to go. Have fun with Paige. Love you, Pumpkin, bye," he hurriedly said and hung up before she could say anything more.

Castle dropped his phone on his desk and walked out of his office, heading for the front door. The knocking had stopped momentarily, and he picked up his pace, wanting to deal with this unwelcome visitor before they started knocking again. Reaching the door, he sucked in a deep breath and schooled his features until he'd masked any and all emotions he was feeling deep inside. With a fake smile plastered on his face, he yanked on the handle and opened the door.

"Beckett?" his expression dropped. He honestly was not expecting to see her again so soon.

She stood there, slightly shaking with nervous energy. Her eyes were wide and dark, unabashedly sweeping up and down his body with undeniable wanton lust. Her gaze flicked up to his face and she noticed he'd caught her looking. Beckett slowly pulled her lower lip under her teeth, worrying it, and he actually groaned, couldn't suppress it like he wanted. Did she have any idea what she did to him when she did that?

"What… what do you want?" he fumbled out, too surprised to say anything else.

She swallowed, and his eyes followed the motion down the column of her throat, his breath hitching up as his blood began to pump wildly through his veins. She opened her mouth, but no words came out. Her brow furrowed and an adorable little crease formed between her eyebrows.

"Kate?" he tried her first name this time, seeing if that would get a reaction out of her.

Nothing.

They just stood there, staring at one another. The tension was thick, and Castle could feel the sparks flying. He had a moment of déjà vu, remembering several months ago when she had shown up at his door like this—he'd just discovered he had a son he knew nothing about, so he had been the angry one then. They'd nearly crossed the line back then, but after a steamy make-out session on the living room floor, she had pulled away, ridiculously claiming that she was unworthy of him. A silly notion. If anyone was unworthy here, it was him.

Growing tired of the silence and wild stares she was directing at him, Castle heaved in a deep breath and forced his eyes back to hers. "Please, Kate, just tell me what you want."

That seemed to snap her out of it. And then she was finally answering him, but not in the manner he had expected. Her chosen form of communication was… decidedly nonverbal.

Beckett pounced on him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down for a hard and rough kiss, teeth scraping against teeth. His mouth was half opened, on the ready to make a protest, but she silenced him with her tongue, shoving it past his quivering lips and stealing away both his breath and words. He groaned, stumbling back as she pushed further into him. They backed into the loft, her foot shooting out to kick the front door shut.

Castle had no idea what was going on. The last time he saw her, she'd looked so disappointed and hurt, like she never wanted to see him again. She had also been so angry with him. He thought he had ruined everything. But here she was, pressing her lithe body up against him, so very demanding, sticking her tongue down his throat.

A low guttural moan rolled up from his chest as her hands slipped down to his sides, gripping and tugging at his shirt. She nibbled on his lower lip, pulling on it with her teeth as her fingers flew up his shirt, deftly undoing each button with incredible ease. _God, that's so hot_. His blood was rushing further south with each passing second.

"Kate…?" he breathed her name in question, confused and disoriented. He wanted to know what was happening, why she was doing this. It didn't fit with where they had both left off.

She shushed him, quieting his inquiries with a fierce kiss, her mouth hot and moist against his, demanding. He felt her tongue flick across his lips and he sighed, couldn't help it. She had tremendous power over him; always had. Her eyes were wild and crazed, and Castle was at a loss to find an answer to her actions, besides the obvious.

It only took a few more moments for her to have his shirt open. Her heated breath blew across his warmed flesh, sending goosebumps dancing up his skin.

Beckett pushed him back, and they rounded the couch, fumbling into his office, skidding past the bookshelves. Castle let out a sharp hiss as they collided with the desk, his hip hitting the edge. The sting was burning, and he knew he was going to bruise, but his mind was sidetracked as her fingers clawed at his bare chest, touching as much of his exposed skin as she could. He tried to move away, to contain the situation before it got out of hand, but he couldn't. She had him trapped against his desk. And damn, who was he kidding? It was already out of hand. Way out of hand!

There was no mistaking the direction in which she was guiding them towards. She wanted sex. And as much as Castle would be more than happy to comply, knowing it would be hot and wild, and so great, this was not how he wanted it. It was different. She wasn't acting like herself. He wanted to slow down, to catch his breath, to touch her and love her, making her moan and arch under him like he had before, surrounded by the silky sheets and soft pillows of his bed.

But she wasn't having any of that.

Castle made a move to grip her sides, trying to stall the inevitable. Before they went any further, they needed to talk. It wasn't right. They couldn't just ignore what had happened earlier today—not that he was complaining with her current response—but this was becoming a little too rough for him.

 _I hope she remembers my safe word is Apples_ , he thought in passing.

This wasn't what he had grown accustomed to during the past couple of weeks. This was angry sex, and though Castle knew it would be super hot and amazing, he didn't want that. He wanted to make love, not just have sex, when it came to Kate Beckett.

"Kate, _please_ … stop…," he tried again, but she resolutely refused to acknowledge anything but his body.

His body. Damn it. It was betraying him, responding to her incessant and demanding touches. She was winning. And she knew it, could feel him slowly losing his battle. His mind was clouding with primal want and need, and he couldn't really be blamed for giving in, especially when everything she was doing to him was _so_ good.

 _Does she have to be so sexy and hot? Seriously? It is totally unfair_.

Beckett's hands dropped to his belt, and she worked quickly at unfastening it from around his waist. She pulled the flap loose and didn't even pause. And without any preamble, she was shoving her hand into his pants.

"Whoa!" Castle let out a startled yelp as she grabbed him.

She finally locked eyes with him. The most salacious smirk graced her lips as she stroked him, making him keen and cant into her, responding so naturally to her knowing touch.

His backside was parked against the side of the desk, the hard wood jutting up painfully into his thighs, but he was routed and defeated, unable to respond or fight back. She'd won. He was hers. He always had been, anyways. It was useless to resist.

 _Resistance is futile._ He could almost hear it in his head, that overwhelming and unrelenting force. Seriously, she should be the Borg Queen. He'd willingly be in her Collective.

Beckett leaned forward, her open mouth latching onto his neck, her lips and tongue darting over his pulse point, making him squirm and whimper in surrender to her skill. He let out a gasped moan when her teeth grazed against his collarbone as she continued exploring his skin with her mouth. She tugged at his pants, shoving them, along with his boxers, down to his knees. His hands were useless at his sides, and he cursed himself for being so helpless around her.

Castle's eyes were glazed with the fog of unhindered desire, and his mind was numb to anything else but her and what she was doing to him.

Her hands were off him now, but Castle was too slow to catch up. It would have been the perfect moment to take over and stop this, but she had already lulled him into submission, so such a thing would have been impossible at this point. She was gazing down at him, brazenly smug and triumphant, unzipping her jeans and shimmying them down her hips. He risked a glance and couldn't help but groan when he saw her bare before him.

Castle gulped and looked up at her, helpless and vulnerable. "Kate…," he pleaded, his bottom lip quivering with confusion, wanting so badly to understand why she was doing this, and what it meant to her.

She ignored his protestations and climbed up over him, planting her knees on either side of his lap, straddling his waist. He whimpered in surrender, feeling her heat radiating out so close to him. Beckett rose up on her knees and loomed over him, one hand clutching his shoulder tightly as the other shot down between their bodies to hold him firmly in place. And then she was sinking down on him, bucking into him with such force that she drove him harder into the desk.

Beckett leaned into him, resting her forehead against the side of his head as she moved her hips enticingly, her warm breath panting out across the side of his face. He cried out with the force of her motions, the raw painful energy of it. Kate bit into his shoulder, stifling a moan as she worked over him, the cherry scent of her hair invading his nostrils.

Having been buried deep in their renewed sexual activities long enough to recognize all her varying scents, Castle could tell in an instant that she'd had a bath recently. And this current scent, which was quickly infiltrating his olfactory senses, was what she always smelled like after she had taken a bath.

 _Cherries_.

"Oh god… Kate," he grunted, his hands finally moving. But they didn't obey him. They obeyed her. Instead of pushing her back and ending this, Castle grabbed her hips and helped guide her motions as she nibbled her way up his throat, her teeth grazing his Adam's apple. One hand dropped to clutch her ass as the other swept up and around her torso to cup her breast through her blouse.

His head lolled forward and he captured her mouth with his, taking back as much control as he could. But when it came to them, she was always going to be the leader, and him the follower. It was hot and fast, and angry. So very angry.

He could feel the fury radiating off her.

It just wasn't in the way her nails dug into his skin, or the harsh way in which she moved. One clue he had that this was just sex, and not lovemaking, was the fact that she refused to look him in the eye. Part of him resented it, but he was already in too deep. He couldn't pull back now, even if he wanted to. So he let the sting of it roll off his shoulders.

He'd deal with it later.

At least she still let him kiss her. He took some solace in that.

It took some coaxing from him, but Beckett eventually relented to even more kisses, ramming her lips hard and rough over his, devouring his mouth like she was making her mark, claiming him. He thought it was overkill, after all, he was already hers, but he let her have her way. She was angry and frustrated, and if this was how she wanted to release that pent up stress, he'd let her. And he took some comfort in the fact that she had come to him and not someone else.

When they both reached their end, she was mumbling incoherently, her brow set, still looking cross with him as she glared at him with heated eyes, so dark and burning with conflicting emotions. Spent, she went lax and fell against him, seemingly uncaring of their awkward position on the edge of his desk. Castle wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into him, almost sighing with relief when she laid her head against his shoulder. He inhaled deeply and placed a soft whisper of a kiss on the top of her head, pausing briefly to breathe in her cherry scent, still strong and overwhelming, and so very her.

Beckett panted against his chest, making him shiver. His warmed flesh was still thrumming with sensations. Her body trembled as if from a chill, despite the fact that she was still mostly clothed. After all, she had only removed her jeans. Castle furrowed his brow, unsure what to do, so he just squeezed his arms around her, keeping her close. She sighed against his neck and nuzzled into him, her arms snaking around his middle, gripping him tightly, like she was afraid he was only an apparition, a figment of her imagination.

"I'm here, Kate," he murmured into her hair, hugging her tightly. He ran his hands up and down her back, doing his best to soothe and comfort her. "I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere."


	4. Chapter 4

She went limp, her entire body numb and spent from the sheer force of her release. Every muscle in her body, which had all been so taut and tense for the better half of a day, were now all relaxed and loose. Her body was so slack that she couldn't even hold herself up anymore, so she let him. She let him hold her, keeping her in place against his chest so that she wouldn't tumble down.

Kate couldn't care less about the precarious position they were in, the edge of the desk was barely enough to keep them from collapsing on the floor of his office, tangled in sweaty limbs and panting breaths, their bodies heaving and trembling from the awesome heights of euphoria that were produced from their mutual desire and need to give their all to each other.

So, she let him hold her. Why? She really couldn't say. Sure, it brought her some small comfort, yes, but it also made her feel weak and pathetic that she actually needed him like she did. Involuntarily, she curled further into him, silently loving and hating the fact that their bodies were still connected in that most intimate of ways.

Part of her felt guilty for just taking him like she had. She'd probably just confused the hell out of him, sending him mixed signals. At the hospital, she'd yelled at him, all but saying that they were going to take a break from this sort of thing until she'd had some time to think about what he'd done.

Yet now… now she'd just completely contradicted herself by showing up at his home and practically forcing him into having rough sex on top of his desk. Though… he hadn't complained, had he? No, of course not. He wouldn't. He was a red-blooded male. No man would have refused a woman such as her when she'd been as aggressive and demanding in wanting him, as she'd been earlier.

Kate narrowed her eyes, staring blindly at the pulsing vein along the side of his neck, allowing her concentration to shift away from her own failings and towards him. She breathed in his scent, musky and male, and so very him. Her eyes closed and she sighed, unable to stop the flutter in her chest as she recalled past rendezvous in the night: Him sneaking into her off-campus housing, waking her roomies as they did deliciously wicked things to each other, whispered words of adoration and awe as she snuggled into him in a post-lovemaking bliss, his hand stroking up and down her bare back as he sighed 'You're the most amazing woman I've ever known, Jane' over and over again.

A tight knot formed in her stomach as she recalled those evenings and how he'd murmured such tender and loving sentiments all the while calling her by the false name she'd given him and neglected to correct. She still felt some guilt over deceiving him like that, and some shame over her reaction to finding out that he'd kept his true name from her as well. But had he kept his true self from her? No… she didn't think so. When Alexander was with Jane, they both had been themselves… no matter the name that had been used.

But now the additional baggage that each brought to the table only served to further compound things. She longed for those simpler times, when she was Jane and he was Alexander, and they just were together and nothing else mattered. Thinking such things were futile and a waste of time. She needed to be in the present and accept the consequences of her actions.

It didn't help that he kept soothingly rubbing her back while also murmuring sweet reassuring nothings into her ear, and occasionally dropping a light kiss onto the top of her head.

" _I'm here, Kate. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere._ "

He… he just couldn't say things like that after what he'd done. It… it wasn't fair. It made it harder on her to stay mad at him. But still, despite how incredibly stupid he'd been, she knew he loved her. She knew. She didn't doubt that. She just doubted… other things. Heaving in a deep breath, she released a sigh, knowing it was probably time to pull herself together and offer up some explanations.

Anxiety coiled tightly in the pit of her stomach as Kate bit her lower lip and eased herself off his chest. She immediately missed the comforting warmth of his skin, which only made her more conflicted and perplexed by her own actions. Risking a glance at his face, she gazed up at him with a somewhat apprehensive expression. She had no clue where to begin to explain her present state of mind.

Castle tilted his neck and looked down at her, his lips tugging upwards in a faint hesitant smile. His eyes were wide and questioning. _Good_ , she thought, _he's just as confused and nervous as I am_. Kate parted her lips, intent on speaking, but her throat was dry and raw from their recent strenuous—albeit still highly pleasurable—activities. He quirked up an eyebrow, and for a moment she thought he was going to offer to get her something to drink. If he did, she'd refuse. Clearing her throat, she set her brow and glared at him.

"I'm still mad at you," Kate stated flatly, her voice coarse and rough, but decidedly firm and calm, which pleased her. It wasn't what she had originally intended to say first, yet it had still been the first thing to come out of her mouth.

He closed his eyes briefly and released a sigh, only to then opened them and gaze at her with too much shrewd understanding in his eyes. "I know," he replied, a smirk tugging at his lips, always cocky. Who the hell did he think he was? Han Solo?

Her nose scrunched up and she frowned at him. He raised an eyebrow in question… or was it in challenge? His eyes sparkled in a way that made her realize he was probably thinking, _you really don't know how adorable you are when you do that? Do you_? She squinted her eyes at him and he swallowed slowly, as if readjusting his unspoken thoughts.

"Um… Kate?" he questioned tentatively, his warm breath dancing across her face. She froze… suddenly noticing a smell that she'd somehow missed out on earlier. She cautiously licked her lips and groaned in disappointment when she could still taste the lingering bite of something all too familiar.

"Have you been drinking?" she asked, leaning closer to him as she took a cautious sniff of the air around them.

"I… um…," Castle lowered his eyebrows in confusion, maybe shame; she couldn't really tell when he wasn't looking directly at her. "Why do you ask?"

"I can smell it on your breath," Kate informed him, tilting her head slightly to give him another little glare. He knew very well she had issues about turning to the numbing effects of alcohol during times of stress. Hell, even she'd been tempted after what happened in the hospital, but she had refrained from doing so, drinking tea and taking a bath, which had helped somewhat. That stress and frustration she'd had pent up from their fight from earlier had only begun to fade after she'd stormed into the loft and jumped Castle's bones.

And from the expression on his face at the moment, she had a feeling that it had had a similar impact on him as well, with the addition of maybe also sobering him up.

He sighed in defeat, tightening his hold around her waist, keeping her planted on his lap, as if he was afraid she'd bolt at any moment. It was also an attempt on his part to contain her volatile reaction to the truth of his weakness.

"Can you blame me?"

"It's not healthy," she asserted, hiding her face in his chest, and closing her eyes against the welling up of tears. She didn't want him to see her cry. He didn't deserve to see that. Not right now. Not after what he'd done.

God… her emotions were running out of control. She was so conflicted. She was still so angry and disappointed in him, yet at the same time, she deeply cared about him and she hated seeing him attempt to drown his sorrows in alcohol. Her father had tried that after her mother had died, and it had nearly destroyed not only her relationship with him, but himself as well. She did not want to see that happen to Castle, no matter how mad she was at him.

Kate took in a shaky breath, attempting to restore order over her conflicting emotions. This had to stop. She had to regain control over herself and her actions. There had to be some sort of rational justification for what she'd just done. She'd been stressed and had needed something to help ease that stress. Yet that didn't mean she had to then fall into his arms and have rough angry—and admittedly hot—sex with Castle to find that release. Did it? In the past, whenever she'd needed sexual release, Kate had always been able to find it with a bath and the skillful use of a vibrator, her fingers, and—quite embarrassingly—a cardboard cutout of her favorite mystery author.

So… following those methods, if that had worked in the past, her bath this evening, which had included a quick session with her fingers, should have been enough… but damn it… it hadn't.

Growling in frustration, more at herself than him, Kate abruptly lifted her hips, pushing up with her knees, severing their connection. She wiggled out of her grasp, and shoved herself away from him. Yet despite her determination and firm resolve to put some physical distance between them—at least for the moment, she still groaned in displeasure at the loss of intimacy as she slipped off his lap.

"Kate?" he bleated out her name like a lost and forlorn sheep. And there it was. The pout. The infamous pout.

She huffed, blowing some strands of her hair away from her eyes, and fixed him with a glare, letting him know that it wasn't going to work this time. _God… him and his pouts_. It was his secret weapon when dealing with her more stubborn temperaments. She knew that. She'd seen him pull it out in every context. A smile tugged at her lips as he gulped, losing his nerve under her glare. She watched his Adam's apple bob as he averted his eyes, a blush beginning to stain his neck.

Shaking her head, Kate spun around and hunted for her jeans. Thankfully they weren't that far, having pooled on the floor where she'd stripped them off. Without preamble, as she'd gone commando (which she knew Castle probably thought was utterly hot), Kate tugged her jeans up her long legs and locked the button back in place. She paused for a moment to straighten her blouse and rein in her pounding heart while also bending down to slip her black flats back on feet.

When she turned back around, Castle was finishing the task of tugging his pants back up, and refastening his belt. She swallowed and pursed her lips, crossing her arms over her chest as she watched him worked as quickly as he could with fumbling fingers at buttoning up his shirt. Trying not to stare, Kate endeavored to put herself into a determined stance, with straight posture, controlled and resolute.

"So, Beckett, what exactly was this…?" he gestured between them. She noticed he made a point of calling her by her last name, which she was actually grateful for.

"Sex," she answered immediately, without much thinking involved.

"I know what it was!" he glowered at her, his nostrils flaring. "I'm asking why?"

Why indeed? She was asking herself that very same question. He let out a long exhale and raked his fingers through his mussed hair. Kate had to bite her lip to prevent herself from smiling at the sight. He was just so cute sometimes, especially when his brown locks were all tousled and messy.

Castle shook his head and let out a frustrated huff. He pushed off the edge of his desk and walked around it, purposefully turning his back to her. Kate watched the tense line of his shoulders and couldn't help but think that maybe their round hadn't relieved any stress at all, but only generated more.

"Look, you're angry, I get that," he said, looking back at her, his blue eyes displaying both understanding and confusion. "But I don't get what we're doing now. I…," his voice caught for a moment. He swallowed past it, and steeled her with a hard look. "I thought you wanted to take a break, take some time to… 'process things'. You said you'd call when you were ready to talk."

She nodded, not knowing how else she could respond to that. Back in the hospital and when she'd gotten home, that was what the plan had been. Somewhere along the line, it had changed and she had wanted something more. Honestly, she was still shocked at what she'd picked to deal with the stress.

"So are you ready then? To talk?"

"No," she shook her head, then sighed, running her fingers through her hair and stepping back to lean against the doorframe, needing as much space between them as possible, yet still remaining close enough so she didn't have to raise her voice for him to hear her. "I'm not ready to forgive and forget. I… I just needed—"

" _Sex_ ," he snapped, his tone biting, making her flush with shame.

Kate averted her eyes, and shrugged. "I don't know, really… I just, um… just acted on impulse. I wasn't really thinking." Which was something very rare for her. She was usually so meticulous in her decision making. She rarely acted on impulse. Perhaps Castle reopening her mother's case had caused her to revert back to her past coping mechanisms from her youth.

He sighed, his shoulders slumping in defeat. "I thought as much," he replied. "Well, at least I can take some solace in the fact that you came to me for sex and not… not some—"

"I wouldn't," she asserted, cutting him off, not wanting to even hear that. She may have fallen back on her youthful reactions to grief and heartache, but she would never do that. Never. She locked eyes with him, wanting to make this crystal clear, knowing his own issues.

Back when she was Jane and he was Alexander, he had told her that Meredith had cheated on him when Alexis was still little. He'd recently divorced the red-haired actress before they had met in that club all those years ago. It almost felt like it had just been yesterday that she had spied him looking across the bar at her with big soulful eyes, sad and raw, and so very real. They'd had an instant connection the moment their eyes had met; a connection that she hoped could stand the test of time and distance.

Kate licked her lips and looked up at him, desperately wanting him to understand this one point, because his insecurities over not being enough stemmed deep and were long lasting. It was something she had hoped had dissipated over the years, but evidently it hadn't. And, for just that alone, Kate hated Meredith just a little bit. How could that woman do that to this man, who loved with his whole heart and being? Then again, Kate had done something just as painful. She'd left him back then, after discovering his real identity, and had been too afraid and hurt to confront him about it.

"I may be mad with you at the moment," she said, purposely looking him in the eye, "but I would never do that to you. Never. You've got to believe me." She was not Meredith. And she wanted him to know that.

Castle stared at length before conceding with a nod. "Yeah, I know."

He didn't sound entirely convinced. Hell, she didn't even know if she was. Kate was already concerned with what appeared to be a regress into her semi-wild and uncontrolled behavior after her mother had been killed, where she'd tried to lose herself in mindless sex with strangers. Back then she had thought that it would have been life affirming, being with another in the most physically intimate way possible, but she had been wrong. It had had the opposite effect. She'd felt dirty and pathetic, an empty shell of a human being.

During that time in her life, she had only ever felt that affirmation of life—and love—when Alexander Rodgers had waltzed into her life and claimed her heart. _He_ had been her salvation. And now here they stood again, on the precipice of maybe letting everything fall away.

God, everything was just so frustratingly complicated. She loved him, of that she had no doubt. But this thing with her mother's case, it was almost unforgivable. Yet, at the same time, she'd already wasted nine years of their lives trying to hide and run away. Kate didn't want to do that again, no matter how pissed she was at him. She did not want him out of her life. She never did… never would.

"Castle, I… I'm sorry, okay," she said, feeling the need to apologize, even if he still hadn't. She wondered if things would be different right now if he had apologized back at the hospital, and that instead of having mindless angry sex on the hard edge of his desk, they'd be making love with the soft silky sheets of his bed surrounding them. She glanced to the left, looking through the opening between the shelves towards the bedroom. Sighing in resignation, she pulled her eyes away from what could have been and focused on the present. "I shouldn't have come over and put this on you."

"I'm not complaining," he interjected softly, his fingers playing across the desktop, as if he was itching to tidy things up from the mess they'd created, both figuratively and literally. "I'm just… confused."

"I know," Kate answered with a bob of her head, bringing her hands up in a show of supplication. "And honestly, I wish I could answer your questions, but right now… I just don't know what is going through my head. I'm still so angry at—"

"You made that point abundantly clear at the hospital," Castle interrupted, his brow set low, his eyes hard as stone.

She narrowed her eyes, annoyed at his tone. "Yeah, well…," she nodded. "Just… I just don't want you to read too much into tonight. It was just sex."

"Hot angry sex," he added with a smirk.

Kate couldn't help herself, and returned his wiry grin with one of her own. "Yeah, it was, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," he agreed, his eyes softening for a moment, the love bleeding through.

She allowed it to seep over her for a second, before she clamped down on the feeling and pushed it aside. She needed to remain focus. Kate briefly contemplated opening up to him a little more, revealing that she was scared she was teetering towards reverting to past coping mechanisms for when life seemed so bleak and useless. But she held her tongue, not wanting to give away everything, not just yet.

However, upon further review, Kate remembered that she had already confessed that part of her past to him. She'd done it on their first date, no less. It had been a surprise to her when he hadn't judged her for her reckless sexual behavior. And she had been even more stunned when his desire for her hadn't wane, knowing what he then knew about her sexual past. In her own words, she'd been a slut, and she'd been ashamed of it. But he had still wanted her, and that had brightened her world back then. It had been something she had sorely needed, and he had given it to her.

But, that had been a long time ago, and she wasn't in the mood to rehash those memories, afraid to damage the already fragile thread between them. Because, no matter how long it took her to forgive him for digging into her mother's case (and for him to apologize, for that matter), she was hoping there could still be a future for them.

Especially considering they had Alex to think about.

Kate did, however, feel the need to offer him something more to explain her behavior. "It's just that… it brought back some old memories," she elaborated, referring to her still heavy grief over the loss of her mother, and then she added, "and emotions."

Castle furrowed his brow for a moment before realization dawned on him. His eyes turned downcast and sorrowful. She watched with curious eyes, wanting to document his responses for later review and analysis. From the tension in his shoulders, it looked like he wanted to reach out to her, but he was holding back, the desk between them helping to prevent him from doing so.

"God, Kate…," he said instead, his voice sincere and regretful, but still no apology came from his lips. "I wasn't thinking. Well, I was… but not about that. I… I just thought I could help and…"

"Please, can we not talk about it now?" she pleaded, looking at him with large watery eyes. The last thing she needed to do at present was dive back into the hollow pain of her mother's death. She still grieved for her, from time to time, but always in private, never with anyone else… not even her father or Alex.

He swallowed and gave a nod, acquiescing to her request.

"Okay."

"Thanks."

Castle only bobbed his head in response, before looking down and crossing his arms over his chest. After an extended period of awkward silence, in which they both made a point of ignoring each other's gazes, he opened his mouth and asked, "So, now what?"


	5. Chapter 5

"So, now what?"

"Huh?"

"About _us_? I mean, is there even an _us_ anymore, or are we nothing more than former lovers who will occasionally meet up to have meaningless sex together!?" Castle asked, his tone biting and frustrated.

Beckett licked her lips and flicked her eyes up to lock gazes with him. He waited her out, wanting to see what she had to say for herself. She really hadn't yet explained what it was that she wanted, or why she'd come to him tonight… at least not completely to his satisfaction. He wanted more than what she was telling him. Castle could understand that she wasn't ready to talk. Yet, at the same time, he found it difficult to comprehend her rationale for what they'd just done on his desk. Not that he was complaining, he enjoyed sex with Kate Beckett, but he wanted more.

Even though she was angry with him, and probably rightly so, he felt he deserved more of an explanation than, _I just acted on impulse_ , _I just needed sex_ , and _it brought back some old memories_. Did she seriously think they could just jump each other and not talk about it? After everything they'd been through, after all the years of separation, Castle believed he deserved more than just the tired old line she was giving him about how she just needed to relieve the stress she was feeling and having hot angry sex with him seemed the best way to do that.

"Well?"

"We're not over," she said, her voice decidedly firm, which was a blessing, really, considering how conflicted her emotions must be at the moment—his own were running the gambit as well. "Not yet. No," she continued after a beat. "I… I don't think we'll ever really be over, no matter what." She let out a forced laugh. "After all, we share a son."

"That we do," Castle remained serious, not buying into her forced levity. But they shared more than a son. He knew that. She knew that. So, he just couldn't find the humor in it.

"Yeah," she paused, casting her eyes down, as if she felt foolish for trying to make a joke out of it all. She sighed, her shoulders slumping slightly in defeat, and glanced up at him with hesitant eyes.

"So?"

She gave him a questioning look.

"What are we? If we're not over, then what?" Castle shook his head, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Look, I'm just trying to understand what exactly it is you want from me right now." He raised a hand and gave her a pointed look, cutting off her attempted interruption. "And, please, don't say, 'just sex'. As much as I enjoy sex with you, Kate—and believe me, I do—I just want to know where we stand. Because you mean much more to me than just sex."

XXX

She looked at him, listening to his words. Despite her anger at him, Kate's heart fluttered in her chest after hearing what he just said. Kate knew he cared about her, that he desired her for more than just her body, but it was always nice to hear him say it. And to be honest, they hadn't really fully discussed what they were doing since they rekindled their physical relationship a couple of weeks ago. A little bit, maybe, but not entirely, in full detail. At least, not to the extent she would have liked.

Ever since that incident, and the events that followed, they'd been sleeping with each other on and off, doing family activities and such together, but they'd yet to actually go on any dates—and going out for drinks or out for burgers at Remy's after closing a case didn't count. Those were not dates. Those were… _non-dates_. Close, but not definable. Hell, she didn't even know if she wanted to do that… to go out on a date.

It's not like they needed to date, in the traditional sense.

People dated to get to know one another. It was part of the whole courtship ritual of finding your ideal life partner. And when it came to them, each already knew what they would get from the other, and who that person was. And besides, they'd dated before, when he was Alexander and she was Jane.

Wrapping up her thoughts, Kate returned her attention to the present and gave him a nod, showing that she understood where he was coming from. This was all just so very difficult. She wanted to hate him, to be mad at him, yet she could not deny the unrelenting magnetic attraction that pulled her to him. It had been like that ever since they had first locked eyes across the bar in that nightclub all those years ago.

Kate had some serious issues, but she wasn't ready to give up completely on what they had started to rebuild… but she wasn't yet ready to dive back into it. With everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, Kate couldn't focus too much on maintaining a relationship like she wished. She needed to leave most, if not all, of her energy on dealing with and processing everything until she was ready to move on and embrace the future she dearly desired to have with Castle.

She decided to tell him what she could. After everything they'd been through, she owed him that much.

"Okay, um…," Kate stammered as she tried to think of an appropriate way to answer his question. "How about this? Let's just say that we are on hold… for now, until this is resolved."

"And will it?"

"What?"

"Be resolved?"

"I think so, yes," she nodded tentatively. Kate looked away and let out a breath, resolving to be honest. "Look, Castle… you broke my trust, something I don't hand out easily. You know that. I… I let you in quicker than with most people." He inclined his head as she went on. "Because of our past," she explained, flicking her eyes up to his. "And I'm just going to need some more time to work through the fact that you went behind my back and looked into my mother's case, especially after I specifically told you not to."

"I understand, I do," he replied unsteadily. "I… I'm… I just wanted to help."

Kate swallowed past the tight clenching in her throat at his broken speech. He sounded so distraught and desperate, like she was going to run away from him like she had all that time ago when she'd learned his true identity. He'd been unable to fully form his sentence without pausing and taking in rapid breaths. She pursed her lips and held his gaze.

"I know, and I believe you," she offered him a weak smile, wondering if he had been about to apologize, before changing tact.

It made her curious. Why was it so difficult for him to say those words? _I'm sorry_. Really!? Was it _that_ difficult? Kate just needed him to say it, to admit it out loud, and stand there and wallow in his wrongness. He could keep on proclaiming it as much as he wanted to with just his tone and eyes until he was blue in the face, and it would not help. She _needed_ to hear him actually say it. He was a writer, for crying out loud, was it really that hard for him to find the right words?

Sighing, she bit her lower lip and narrowed her eyes, brushing that thought away for the moment to continue voicing her thoughts to him. "But even with that," she said, trying hard to keep her voice firm, "I still need time to come to terms with everything, and work out some things on my own before we move on. And…," this was where she hesitated. She shifted awkwardly on her feet.

If he was going to take forever to actually articulate a proper apology, then there was one thing she was going to need him to do for the duration, and she was uncertain how he'd react when she made the request. Part of her knew it was selfish, what she was going to ask, but she needed it, desperately so if she was going to remain sane while she flushed everything out until she was ready to dive into this relationship without any major baggage. Kate wasn't a fool, she knew that no matter what, they'd both be bringing some baggage into this relationship, but these particular feelings—the ones of betrayal and disappointment—she just didn't want them to be there when they laid the foundations on their renewed relationship.

"Yes?" he prompted, hooking his eyebrows up, intrigued.

Kate sucked in a deep breath and searched for the courage to voice this. It was hard for her, and she could tell by the softness in his eyes that he understood that. "I… I just want you to be aware that while I work at reconciling everything and relearning how to trust you again… that there may be, along the line, a… a repeat of tonight," she finally managed to push out, averting her eyes as she said it, feeling the barest hints of a blush on her cheeks.

There was a part of her that felt like she was propositioning him, as if he was some stud gigolo, whose main purpose was to fulfill her sexual wants and needs.

" _Repeat_?" he echoed, somewhat vexingly uncertain as to her meaning.

"Many more, in fact," she added, somewhat shyly.

"Oh," was all he said.

Gathering more courage, Kate swallowed past the lump in her throat and forced her gaze back to him, seeing a stunned expression plastered on his face. His eyes were wide, and his brow creased in bewilderment.

Straightening her shoulders, she looked him in the eye. "Is that going to be a problem?"

He stood there for a moment, his eyes gazing off into the distance, looking at nothing in particular, lost in thought. "No, not at all," he answered at length, his voice still holding that shocked quality. It was almost as if he was just going on autopilot.

_Of course he'd answer that way_ , she thought, her heart clenching tightly in her chest for a brief moment. _I just told him that he's guaranteed to still get laid during this with no strings attached._ She was selling him short with that thought, and she knew it, but she pushed that emotion to the side, just needing this one thing right now to survive the oncoming tumult of personal reflection she was going to have to do before she was ready to forgive him.

"Castle," Kate called his name to came his attention. It didn't work, so, biting her lower lip, she inched closer and raised her voice. "Rick!"

He snapped out of his trance and glanced at her, momentarily startled at her closer proximity. "Yeah?"

"Just… just don't read too much into it, okay?" she ground out, needing him to fully understand what it was she wanted from this arrangement. "It'll just be sex… no strings, no emotions, no talking. _Just sex_."

"No, I get it," Castle said after a beat, his eyebrows unmoving "Just as long as you exclusively come for me when you need that… um… particular service?" He paused and his eyebrows shot up. The dark cobalt of his eyes twinkled in amusement as he caught what he'd just said. She wondered if he had fully thought out that sentence. It almost sounded dirty, if she looked at it in a certain way. "No pun intended."

Kate harrumphed, rolling her eyes in disbelief. " _Sure_ ," she muttered, biting back her smile as she lowered her head as she glanced at him sheepishly. Yeah… she was perfectly fine to 'exclusively come' for him. Castle certainly had no problems in getting her there. More so than anyone else she'd ever been with. She just hoped their relationship would survive this interlude. Because despite the breach in trust, she still wanted to have a relationship with him, and not just because they were already bound by blood… by an amazing little boy named Alexander James Beckett.

If Kate were being truly honest with herself, she'd admit that she was still very much in love with Rick Castle, had been, never falling out of it, even when she had mistakenly believed him to be nothing more than a rich immature playboy who had used her for a good time.

"And yeah… it'll just be you. And only you," Kate attempted to reassure him, because she couldn't help remembering the look of disbelief in his eyes from earlier, as if he was still uncertain about how faithful she was capable of being when she was this distraught and emotionally compromised. It stung that he thought so little of her restraint. Yet, knowing her past, Kate was still worried about it as well.

She had faith in her self-control, but if there was anything she could take away from tonight, it was that sometimes, during highly emotional intervals, she seemed to lack the finely honed control that she prided herself on possessing. Though, she still firmly believed that she, at least, had enough of that self-control to never put herself in a situation she'd later regret.

Speaking of regrets, Kate really didn't have any regrets about tonight, except for maybe giving him mixed signals on what was going on through her head. And yeah, she enjoyed sex with him, and that's why she came to him. He was the only man she'd been with who could ever really please her in that department. Sure, she'd had great sex before, with other partners, but Castle was the only one with which the sex was better than great… where the mere act of making love transcended describable words. When she was with him, everything just clicked.

If she had ever believed in such a thing as soul mates, she would have called him hers.

She sighed, almost regretting making this bargain she was striking with him. In all honesty, it wasn't really fair to him. She knew it was going to be hard to suppress their emotions. Hell, she was already having problems with it. While locked in that passionate vice on his desk, she really had to resist the urge to look him in the eye and change the meaning of what they were doing. Because if she looked him in the eye while they were connected so intimately, then it was lovemaking and not just sex. And that wasn't the message she had wanted to send.

Still, she had relented to his persistence when it came to kissing. She just couldn't resist kissing him. It felt too good, even if it sent the wrong signals or confused him even further. If she wasn't going to look him in the eye, then she could at least kiss him… even if all they did was just sex.

And for the foreseeable future, Kate could only envision herself wanting sex, as a stress reliever… the other emotions would just have to come later, when she'd decided on how to deal with them. But in the meantime, she still wanted him… exclusively him. And she was so grateful that it appeared he as well had no plans on seeking physical comfort elsewhere.

"So that's it then," he said, shoving his hands into his pockets. "We're putting our emotional relationship on temporary hold, but continuing the physical one?"

"Uh… yeah, I guess you could put it like that," Kate replied, pursing her lips as she tried to keep a mask over the play of emotions in her gut. "Is… is that going to be okay?"

Castle straightened his back and regarded her for a moment before replying. "For now… yes. But… I want to make this very clear, Kate… I don't want us to fall into some nowhere 'friends with benefits' kind of thing and get stuck in that. So, I hold the option of pushing for more if I feel we've neglected… things for too long."

"Is that a deal breaker?" she asked, stiffly.

"Yes."

Kate mulled over the idea for several minutes, letting her eyes roam over his bookshelves as she thought. "Alright… deal," she said, holding out her hand to shake on it.

Castle tilted his head slightly as he narrowed his eyes. "Deal," he said, stepping around the desk and grasping her hand in a firm shake.

Kate let out another sigh, and gave him a thankful nod as she stepped back. They said their goodbyes and she noted his restraint. It was obvious to her that he wanted to, at the very least, give her a hug before she left. She offered him a brief hand squeeze in consolation.

"Um… so, for next time," he called after her, following her out of the office and towards the door. "Can you give me a call before hand?"

"Why?" she asked, knitting her eyebrows together in puzzlement.

"You got lucky tonight, Beckett. We had the loft all to ourselves," Castle explained, his eyes darting back towards his office. Kate noticed the hitch in his breath, and a warm flush rising on his neck. He was recalling what they'd done. When his eyes returned to hers, they were dark, and he was a little flustered from the remembering. Yet, he still managed to keep a steady voice when he continued. "Next time… we might not be so lucky."

"I see your point," she agreed, narrowing her eyes in thought. "We can always rent a room, instead," she offered, almost shuddering at the proposition alone. It made their arrangement sound elicit and dirty, like they were having an affair.

Castle just gave a single nod. "Whatever you want, Kate," he said, his voice soft and soothing, as he opened the door for her and she crossed the threshold, stepping out into the corridor beyond. "I'm here for whatever you need. _Whatever_."

Kate bobbed her head, knowing he was referring to more than just her physical needs. She willed herself to look in his eyes, and when she did, she saw it all—the love, the desire, the grief, and the regret. She knew he was truly remorseful for what he'd done, but she couldn't easily forgive him, especially when he couldn't even say it out loud. Part of her wondered if that's what she really needed, to hear him admit that out loud and not just with his body language.

Even without a verbal apology, she knew that in time, she could. Forgive him, that is. She knew she could. But now was not that time. With a nod of her head, she turned to leave.

"One more thing," Castle called after her, following her out the door.

Kate swirled around to face him, raising her eyebrows in question. Before she could respond, his mouth was covering hers and his arms were snaking around her waist in an intimate embrace. He tugged her close and kissed her with such a passion that her knees nearly gave out. She was so stunned that she was completely still, but it only took a moment before she readily responded, moving her lips against his and threading her fingers through his hair as his tongue briefly darted into her mouth, pulling a low moan from deep within her throat.

And then it was over, and he was backing away. He rested his forehead against hers as they both took heaving breaths to replenish their lungs with oxygen.

"Sorry," he panted. "I just had to do that one more time."

Kate inclined her head. "I understand," she assured. And she did. That kiss was going to have to sustain her for the coming weeks.

Slowly, she slipped out of his arms and turned away, biting her lower lip and clenching her jaw in an attempt to hold back tears of grief. She was not going to mourn them, because they were not over. Kate was grateful when he did not pursue her any further. She let out a relieved breath when she heard the door close behind her as she headed for the elevator.

They'd get through this. This wasn't going to last forever. It would happen, she knew. She'd eventually open back up to him, emotionally that is. But for now, she just wanted him physically.

What they had right now was an understanding.

From the outside, looking in, some might call what they had just agreed to as a 'friends-with-benefits' kind of thing, but that's not what it was. They were far more than friends, and this was about more than just the 'benefits'. This was about healing and rebuilding the foundations of lost trust, something that could only be done if they stuck together. And this arrangement did that. At least, that's what it did for her.

Well… and it guaranteed her sex on a regular basis. Kate smiled ruefully in thought. Truthfully, she loved sex with Richard Castle, and she'd be hard pressed to give that up now that they had only just started rediscovering each other in that regard.

The elevator doors rattled opened and she stepped in, punching the button to take her down to the lobby. As the doors closed, Kate sighed. To really be honest, this was about a lot more than just being able to still be with him, in the carnal sense. She did, truly, want to work at their relationship and repair the damage that had been done.

And yes, to herself, she could admit she loved him. She knew he loved her; it was painfully obvious by just the way he looked at her. She had even seen it back when Esposito and Ryan had hauled Castle into the interrogation room at the beginning of their reunion, back when she had actually suspected he had something to do with murdering someone.

Even back then, when she'd been so hostile and unforgiving, he'd loved her. Kate wondered if he'd even stopped loving her. Back when she was Jane (and he Alexander), she remembered curling up in his arms as he nuzzled her hair with his nose and murmured in soft whispered breaths how much he loved this and that about her, and when she really thought back on it, Kate thought that Alexander had even told Jane that he loved her.

So, yes… she knew he loved her. Had always loved her. And she loved him. Of that, she had no doubt. But that wasn't the question, was it? This was about trust, or lack thereof. It was going to take a while to rebuild it, but Kate felt confident that, together, they could surpass any obstacle.

And with that knowledge, Kate knew that she couldn't completely give him up while she dealt with everything.

She just hoped this whole situation had similar connotations for him, and that he fully understood what she had just proposed. And that, eventually, he'd hit upon the fact that he had yet to openly apologize to her and say, _I'm sorry_. She believed that once he did that, once he'd admitted just how much he had hurt her, that then they could move forward and rebuild the crumbling mess that was their relationship.

However, as she exited his building, already on the hunt for a cab, Kate couldn't help but acknowledge that this arrangement was probably going to come back and, quite literally, bite her in the ass.


	6. Chapter 6

The next few weeks were interesting to say the least. He'd been banned from the precinct, so he couldn't go in and follow her around, no matter how much he wanted to. It hadn't been a big surprise to him when she had made that part of the bargain. Castle had made the mistake of showing up the Monday after their little romp on his office desk, and was practically thrown out of the precinct, at gunpoint, no less. Okay, maybe he was exaggerating a bit, but it surely felt like that. And for a moment there, he'd seriously been worried that she might make good on her threat to shoot him.

Oddly enough, every time she did threaten him like that, it just made her all the more hot in his eyes.

After the quagmire at the precinct, she met up with him later in the evening for their weekly family dinner, which she encouraged them to keep doing. Her rationale being they needed to keep up appearance for Alexis and Alex. So, it was there, that she had unexpectedly gotten up from the table and offered to help him do the dishes, a task she rarely did. Beckett tried to be discreet about it, whispering to him in soft words, as he passed the plates to her to dry off, needing to make it clear to him that that particular aspect of their relationship—him shadowing her at work for 'research' (she literally did the air quotes)—was over.

Castle had just nodded his head in understanding, all the while thinking, _at least for now; I'll wear you down, loverbuns_. And that just got him thinking about her cute little behind, and the way the dark jeans she had been wearing hugged the delicious curve so enticingly. Mulling over his _endearment_ , for a lack of a better words, Castle pondered what she'd do if he ever called her that out loud.

Answer: She'd probably really shot him.

It was nice, though, that not all their non-sex related activities hadn't been canceled. He'd be the first to admit that he missed playing detective and watching her do the job that made her so extraordinary, but it would have killed him if they'd stopped their family time.

That being said, Castle still held out hope that he could get his 'research' time back. He reasoned that he'd find a way to weasel his way back into the station without fear of getting kicked out, and eventually reattach himself to her in that highly enjoyable tag-along gig. It was only a matter of time. She couldn't keep him gone for long. After all, if there was anything he'd learned during the last couple of months, since reuniting with his long lost Jane, it was that he was quite capable of _weaseling_ his way into every aspect of Detective Kate Beckett's life.

Speaking of Beckett's life, the only thing he was allowed to participate in was her personal life… _their_ personal life, to be more precise, which was another matter altogether. And Castle was still a bit fuzzy on the details.

They really didn't spend that much time together, not counting their rendezvous at a hotel room he'd taken to paying for on a monthly bill, almost like a second apartment. When they weren't doing the horizontal mambo—or should he say 'vertical mambo'? Beckett did like being on top most of the time—they were separate, unless it was a family event, where they would then pretend as if everything was normal.

Sure, Castle enjoyed their alone time at the hotel room, but he found he actually enjoyed the family time the most. Because it was during those occasions that Beckett would actually let him touch her in a more personal manner that had nothing to do with stimulating sexual pleasure. He got to touch her arm, hold hands, and wrap his arm snuggly around her waist or shoulders. When they were in front of their family, any of them, they appeared to be a happy couple, as if nothing wayward had occurred.

He thought they were being discreet, and careful. But something was obviously amiss with them. And someone did take notice. As if the universe had decided to irk him more than it already had, it was his mother, of course, who was the first one to see through them. It only took her three weeks, and Castle had dreaded the inevitable awkward conversation that ensued when she called him out on it.

XXX

" _Really, darling, how long do you think this is going to work?" Martha questioned him, practically cornering him in his office, away from the sensitive young ears of his teenage daughter, who was working on some of her summer assignments for her AP courses at the dining room table._

" _I have no idea what you're talking about."_

" _Don't pull that on me, Richard!" she exclaimed. "A mother knows."_

" _It's none of your business, Mother," Castle sighed, holding back the bite in his tone._

" _You're my son, Richard," Martha declared with a dramatic flare. "It is_ my _business."_

" _Funny how_ now _you remember that," he grumbled, earning him a glare. "Sorry." Castle hesitated, genuinely feeling contrite for that retort, and gestured for his mother to sit down. Martha eyed him warily, but took a seat in one of the finally upholstered black leather armchairs. He took the opposite one. He let out a long sigh and slumped his head forward in his hand. "It… it's just complicated."_

" _I would think so, you two kids are carrying on like you're having some secret affair when everyone who loves you knows exactly what is going on," Martha said under her breath, but still loud enough for him to hear._

 _Castle's head shot up at her words. "Everyone?" he hissed, the look of_ _panicked dismay flashing across his face._

" _Oh, dear me, no… I didn't mean that," Martha laughed weakly, her eyes glancing in the direction of the dining room. "I don't think Alexis or Alex, for that matter, are aware of what is going on. But Jim Beckett and myself, now that's a different matter."_

" _Her father knows?" Castle was even more mortified than he had been before._

_Martha sighed, and reached out to clasp his hands with hers. "I don't know to what extent he knows, but I do know that he's aware that something is different. And that his daughter's gone once a week for an extended period of time during the evening… and it's not work related."_

" _How would he know if it wasn't?" he questioned, not knowing why he was even having this conversation._

_His mother gave him a knowing look. "When she leaves for your… well… meet-ups, she doesn't bring her gun and badge with her."_

" _Oh," was all he said._

_Martha gave his hand a gentle pat. "Don't go worrying about it, kiddo. Both Jim and I are old enough to know what two young people in love do when alone."_

" _Um…," okay, if he hadn't been embarrassed before, he definitely was now. How the hell did he get into this conversation with his mother of all people?_

_Martha laughed at his blushing face. "It's not like we think about it too much, Richard," she assured him. "We just know what you two are doing."_

" _Okay, okay… no more need to talk about that, okay?" he blanched, feeling like he was going to be sick. Hell, his mother had never really given him the 'birds and the bees' talk. He sort of just figured it out as he went along. Not to mention all the things he saw and learned whilst backstage before, during, and after some of her performances. Really, some people in theater just had no shame._

" _But seriously, Richard, talk to me," Martha said, all trace of humor gone from her demeanor. "What's going on between you and Kate?"_

" _I…," he fumbled with his words. God, it was frustrating at times. Here he was, a bestselling novelist, and he was struggling to find the words to explain this situation to his mother. "I messed up, is what happened."_

" _Her mother's case," Martha said, nodding knowingly._

" _Yes," he bobbed his head in confirmation. "And now, she doesn't really know what to feel… sort of. I mean… she doesn't want to deal with the emotions. Or anything dealing with our relationship, for that matter. But she doesn't want to break up. So… we are just… we're on hold—that's how she described it. From what she has told me, which isn't much, I've gathered a lot of it has to deal with me digging into her mother's case behind her back. I think she understands why_ _I did what I did, and she wants to forgive me, but she just doesn't know how to do that."_

" _But what about…," she waved her hand in the air, referring to his private meetings with Beckett in hotel rooms._

" _Just sex, nothing more," he said, not even blushing at his admission. "At least, that's what she says."_

_Martha raised her eyebrows, understandably confused. "I don't understand. You two love each other, very much from what I've seen. How can it just be nothing more than 'just sex' between you two?"_

" _I've been asking myself the same question since she imposed this arrangement," he said. "Honestly, I could hardly refuse."_

" _Richard!"_

" _Hey… if that's all she's going to give me, I'll take it," he spoke with a deflated sigh. "I love her."_

_His mother softened, and gave an understanding nod while she squeezed his hands in reassurance. "Well, I just hope you two kids work out your differences soon. Because even though you're getting a regular dose of whoopee, you don't look too happy about it."_

_Castle winced at her description of their arrangement, but he couldn't fault his Mother's final judgment. After all, her crude, yet humor filled summarization was pretty accurate. True enough, he was getting laid at least once a week, but it really, in all honesty, wasn't enough for him. It didn't… do it for him. He loved Kate Beckett, and when he loved, he loved with his whole heart. He missed being able to look her in the eye during the act, and holding her afterwards._

_It was always the same. Once they were done, she was out of the bed, and heading for the shower to clean. Always alone, never allowing him to jump under the hot spray with her. Then she'd get dressed and leave, with only a quick wave and a "thanks, see you next time". Castle almost felt cheap, like he was nothing more than a hunk of meat to her. All he wanted to do was to be able to make love to her again. That's all. He was growing tired of meaningless sex. Because with Kate Beckett, the sex was never meaningless to him. It was never supposed to be meaningless with her! He just hoped she felt the same way._

_He knew she was hurt and felt betrayed, but this was going a bit far, even for her. Castle sighed, and raked his fingers through his hair. "I'll figure something out," he told his mother. "She can't stay mad at me forever."_

XXX

So bold were his words. Looking back on them, he had to laugh at his presumption. It had been over two full months since that conversation with his Mother, and still there had been little change in his so-called relationship with Kate Beckett. They were rapidly approaching the three month anniversary of this little deal, and it was starting to wear thin of Castle.

He was sitting on the bed in the hotel room, waiting for her to arrive for their weekly rendezvous. He had arrived an hour beforehand and had simply slumped down on the edge of the mattress and sat there, contemplating everything that had happened, while trying to figure out a way to make things better. He was growing tired of this holding pattern. He wanted more than to just be her weekly lay. If all she wanted was sexual release, she might as well use a vibrator for all the emotional energy that was put into their sessions, or rather the lack thereof.

Castle had had big plans for their first summer together, plans that had been shot to hell by her stubborn refusal to actually talk things out. Castle thought she'd grown-up since being Jane, but he was wrong. In many ways she was still the jaded coed who could only find solace in a good humping. He was being unfair to the younger version of Kate Beckett, but at present, he wasn't in a really charitable mood.

He looked up at the door longingly, waiting for her to arrive. God, he really was the girl in this relationship. All she wanted was sex, whereas Castle wanted to talk about things and express his feelings. Recently, she'd even stopped allowing him to kiss her. All they did was go through the mechanics of having sex—no kissing, looking each other in the eye, or soft caresses. She only allowed him to caress her like that if there was a function to that touch, such as stirring up physical arousal or to stimulate sexual pleasure.

It was meaningless and unfulfilling.

Letting out a frustrated breath, Castle tried to relax his shoulders.

Earlier in the day, Castle had come to a decision. He was going to give her an ultimatum, and… see what happened? Beckett was becoming more closed off, and it was seriously starting to annoy him.

Their last family outing had almost been a complete disaster… at least from his perspective. She'd refused to let him touch her, even when he was just helping her into her coat before they left to go to some summer movie with the kids. And then during the movie, she'd made a point of putting distance between them, having Alexis and Alex between them at the theater. And to further compound matters, Beckett hardly spoke at dinner afterwards. Such behavior was unusual, because she was never that quiet around the kids.

They were starting to suspect… and that did not bode well.

The sound of the door unlocking pulled him out of his brooding thoughts. Castle sat up straighter, and took a deep breath, preparing himself for what was to come. He knew it wasn't going to be pretty, so he tried to mentally prepare for her reaction. He waited patiently for Beckett. Despite the fact he wanted to get this over with, Castle still felt the need to prolong his time with her for as long as possible, even if that time was just being in the same room as her.

It took a few seconds, and soon Beckett made her appearance, walking down the short entrance hallway and into the main portion of the room he'd been paying for every month since they began this. By the time she came into sight, she was already shrugging off her jacket and unbuttoning her blouse. She glanced up, startled at his static posture on the edge of the bed.

"Aren't you going to undress?" Beckett asked, gazing at him, her brow slightly creased in confusion as she continued to take her clothes off.

Castle just remained silent, swallowing past the lump in his throat, unable to speak. Beckett sighed, and stopped unbuttoning her blouse, halfway there. God… this was going to be so much more difficult with the creamy rise and fall her half exposed chest on display.

"Castle," she ground out, fixing him with an annoyed look. "We don't have much time, so can we _please_ just get this over with?"

That set him off. _How dare she act like this was something she had to struggle to get though!_ She was the one that had wanted this arrangement. Not him. Castle scowled and crossed his arms over his chest in a defiant manner. "No," he declared, pursing his lips together in determination to stay strong and resist any of her advances.

"No?" she chuckled, clearly unbelieving. But when she was met with his stony expression, her humor dropped, and a stunned expression washed over her features. "What do you mean, _no_? We have an agreement, Castle."

Castle narrowed his eyes. "It's been nearly three months, Beckett, and frankly, I'm getting tired of it."

"Seriously," she said, shifting her stance to look at him, a touch of amusement dancing in her eyes. "Who'd have thunk that playboy extraordinaire Richard Castle would get tired of free sex on a regular basis."

He clenched his jaw tight and his shoulders tensed. "This isn't funny, Beckett!" he spat out, this time clearly catching her off guard with his anger. He stood up and readjusted his arms, staying in a determined stance. "What exactly are we doing?"

Beckett stammered for a moment, averting her eyes and puffing out a breath in annoyance. "Not having sex, obviously."

"I'm more than just a hunk of meat, Beckett," Castle fumed. "I'm getting sick of this holding pattern." He moved his arms, tempted to reach out to her and just pull her to him, capture her lips with his and just kiss it out of her. But he held back. There was no more kissing, and when she did allow it, it was a hollow and empty gesture, only done to placate his need for physical intimacy.

"What's this really about? Because I know you have no complaints about my performance," she growled, matching his stance.

"It's about _us_ ," Castle snapped. "Remember? _Us_! You said that we were going to work at things. That we weren't over. But you made this one condition, that we meet up once a week and just have sex, with no emotions attached. Well, guess what? It's been three months, and we've just been treading water here. And if it makes me the girl in this relationship, to want this to be about more than just the sex, then so be it! Because damn it, Kate, I love you… but this has just gone too far."

He let out a defeated breath at the end, out of steam. Looking at her, he shrugged, having nothing else to say. It was her turn now.

Beckett stared at him for a long moment, and then frowned. "You agreed to the deal," she said stubbornly.

"Yeah, well, remember my amendment… my sole condition?" he hooked his head towards the bed. "If you want me to put out, then you're going to need to give a little too. Is it really too much to ask that we start trying to rebuilding what we have."

"Yes… yes it is!"

"Why?"

"Because that wasn't part of the deal!" she seethed, ignoring the fact she'd agreed to his one stipulation that assured that he held the option of pushing for more from her if he felt they've neglected the emotional side of their relationship for too long. "I told you, when I've had enough time to process everything, then we'll talk and work through it."

"You've had three full months to 'process', practically the entire summer!" he literally did the air quotes with his fingers. "And relationships are a two way street, Kate. I've been giving and giving, not asking for anything, but honestly, I need something. Just give me something, okay? Some hint that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I've pined for you for nine years, so if I have to wait a little longer, I can do that. But if there isn't a chance of us reaching the end of this damn tunnel, then you really need to tell me so I can start working at moving on."

Boy, that had been difficult to say. He honestly didn't believe he could ever move on from her. He'd tried to when she had just been Jane, but now that he'd finally gotten a glimpse at the complete package, Castle really didn't want to let go. But he had to stay firm and allow his ultimatum to weaken her fortifications just enough to let him in.

Her mouth dropped and she fumbled for an answer. Castle waited for her, like he always did, but didn't see anything. He sighed, and slumped his shoulders, admitting defeat. She wasn't going to budge, and he was just going to have to accept that. He had to be more decisive.

"Alright," he said, all emotion drained from his voice. "Have it that way. No talk. No sex."

He steeled his nerves and shoved past her, stomping down the small hall. He needed to leave… _now_ , so that his ultimatum was effective. But before he could depart, she grabbed his arm and spun him around, manhandling him like he was some suspect on the run. She glared at him with hard eyes and jabbed her finger into his chest.

"You promised!" she snarled, her blind rage getting the better of her. "You said you'd be there for _whatever_ I needed. And right now, I just need sex!"

"Yeah, well, I'm not giving it to you," he pushed her away, making sure not to be as rough with her as she had been with him.

"Then I'll find someone who will!" she heatedly yelled after him, chest heaving with fury, causing him to halt. He slowly turned to face her, seeing her eyes go wide as she registered what she'd just said.

Castle stared at her, dumbstruck. His lips quivered and he swallowed hard past the sudden tightening in his throat as tears threaten to spill out. This was what he had feared all along. He wasn't enough for her. He was just a means to an end. After all, if he was honest, if all she wanted was sex, then he was an easy target for that, since he could hardly refuse her anything.

He sucked in a shaky voice, letting the truth tremble down throughout his body, making it aware and solid… real. "Fine," he replied, his voice wavering as he pulled his gaze from hers and crushed his eyes shut.

"No… wait, Castle, I didn't mean—"

She tried to stop him, but he was already out the door and briskly marching down the corridor, stubbornly refusing to cry. He was done with this deal. If she truly cared about him and wanted more than just sex from him… then she'd come to him and let him know. Right? Well, he was just going to have to take a leap of faith and pray that what she'd just said wasn't the truth.

Until then, the ball was on her side of the court.


	7. Chapter 7

He left. He really just left.

Kate couldn't believe what had just happened. Hot tears streaked down her face as she recalled the whole episode. She had been running a little late, yes, meaning that they didn't have as much time as they normally would have. So, when she had arrived, she just started taking her clothes off, not wanting to waste a second of the small amount of time that they did have together. In the beginning, when they first started this arrangement, she'd told him it was just sex. The truth was that it was more than that to her.

It was a lifeline.

Being with him, in that most intimate of human connections, was something that grounded her, a tether to the real world. Even if she didn't let it progress beyond the physical needs for release, disallowing anything—eye contact and kissing, for example—that would morph what they were doing into lovemaking, Kate still valued and treasured their time alone together. It was special. It would always be special with him.

He was right when he said they weren't really doing anything besides the act itself, and that it had started to feel more like an obligation, something to get through and over with. But, it she permitted them to do more than the… mechanics… it would change. It would become more real… emotionally. And Kate wasn't sure she was ready for that just yet. She was still trying to process everything, and figure out how to forgive him.

Castle was wrong about one thing. He hadn't yet given her what she really wanted. And that was an apology. He could say it all he wanted with his eyes and body language, showing her that he was remorseful for betraying her trust, but for her to really grant him forgiveness and begin to rebuild their relationship, he needed to say it out loud, to her face. Then… then she'd let him make love to her.

Kate actually thought that was what he was going to do tonight. When she first saw him, sitting fully dressed on the bed, looking determined and resolute, she had believed he was finally going to give her a proper apology. And then she would forgive him, and they'd make love… sweet glorious love, the likes of which they hadn't done for over three months. She longed for it, deep down in her heart she ached for it. The way he made loved to her, it was so intimate and meaningful. He would literally worship her body, like he was paying homage to a divine goddess. Every touch was tender and deliberate, meant solely for her and her alone. And the way they fit together, that connection they shared simply transcended reality.

But instead of apologizing, he'd given her an ultimatum. And he was right about one thing: They needed to talk. They really did. Three months was a long time to let something sit and fester, and if they didn't talk soon, as he was urging, it could destroy them. And that was so far from where Kate wanted them.

Yet, when pushed, she reacted the only way she knew how… by pushing back. She protected herself… with misplaced anger. Kate was no longer mad at him. She was just disappointed. But that anger… damn, it was a bitch to control, and when it was released, it took over, seizing her heart and mind, throwing away the key. So she fought back, doing what she always did when her heart felt threatened… pushing those she cared about away, which, regrettably, led to her saying some things she wished she hadn't.

The hurt in his eyes when she'd spat out that she would then look for someone else to fulfill his end of their bargain was still there, hovering in her vision. It was an awful sight to behold. It probably stung more than anything he could say. He didn't believe she'd stay true to him. She could tell. He had that look about him, like she wasn't in this as much as he was. Kate could only pray that he knew she hadn't meant what she'd said, and that she'd never do it, not really. She was in love with him… Richard Castle, the father of her son. There was no one else she wanted to be with. No one. Even when her emotions were a confusing web of contradictions, she just wanted him.

Kate let out a frustrated sigh, and scrubbed her hands against her face, wiping away the tears. She raked her fingers through her hair and stared at her reflection in the wall mirror, frowning.

"Well, Kate, you've certainly screwed things up," she grumbled to herself.

XXX

She shoved through the door, quickly closing it and turning the deadbolt. She rested her head against the wooden frame, taking a moment to compose herself, before pushing away from it and stepping out of the foyer, heading towards the living room, her thoughts still swirling over what had just happened with Castle. Everything was in shambles, and she didn't know how to fix it. Sighing, and rubbing her forehead, feeling the beginnings of a headache, she redirected herself towards the kitchen, only to find her dad already there, making a cup of tea.

"Oh! You're back early," he commented, his eyebrows raised in surprise.

Kate averted her gaze, and brushed her hair back from her face, grumbling an incoherent reply before stalking around the kitchen counter to grab a cup for herself. Tea sounded good right now. It might help with the hammering in her head.

Before Kate left the hotel room, she'd hopped in the shower and, while tears still streamed down her cheeks, took care of her own damn needs, since she obviously wasn't going to get any help relieving that gnawing ache. Then she cleaned up, sobbing quietly as she worked at washing away the evidence of her tears, only to have a headache replace them during the ride home.

Jim glanced at her cautiously as she held out her cup, waiting for him to fill it with the hot liquid from the kettle in his hand. "Is everything all right, sweetie?" he questioned, concern etched all over his face as he poured the water into her cup.

She shrugged in response, and found herself a package of Sleepytime herbal tea, submerging the bag under the steaming water, trying to ignore her father's confused looks as he replaced the kettle on the stove.

"Is this about whatever it is that is going on between you and Rick?" Jim asked pointedly, his arms cross over his chest, making it clear he wasn't going to back down from having this discussion.

Kate took a tentative sip of her tea before giving an almost imperceptible nod. "Yes," she barely managed to breathe the word out.

Jim sighed and leaned back against the counter, shifting to pick up his own cup of tea. "What's going on, Katie? You can talk to me. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, Dad, I know," Kate replied, averting her eyes for a moment, hesitant. Out of everyone in her life, her father was probably the most informed on her relationship with Castle, from its inception to where it presently was, minus certain key details. After all, he had been the one to help her through one of the major aftereffects of that earlier relationship… i.e. Alexander.

"Well?" Jim prodded, not letting her off the hook.

Kate let out a low groan and slumped against the kitchen counter. "Things haven't been the same for a couple of months now," she started.

"I've noticed," Jim said, pausing to take a sip of his tea, and then gave her a reassuring smile when he saw her horrified expression. "Look, Katie, it's clear that you and Rick have been different… with each other recently. I'm not blind, you know." He paused to gauge her mood. "For example, I know that you two renewed your… er… romantic relationship four months ago, sometime after that kidnapping case… the one where that damn FBI ex-boyfriend of yours showed up and tried to win you back."

Her immediate reaction was to blush profusely. Out of everyone, she had not expected her dad to be able to catch the signs that she was getting some action… not that she really got that much since Will, but still… she thought she'd been good at hiding that sort of thing from him. Kate was too mortified to speak, and had to take several long gulps of her tea before she could find a way to respond.

"And here I thought we were being discreet," she let out a hollow, mirthless laugh, feigning levity, but failing.

Her father gave her a tight grin, seeing through it. "It's just Martha and I, the kids don't know… but that other day, after the movies, during dinner… well, if they didn't know something was wrong then, they do now."

Kate groaned and lowered her head, ashamed at how she'd displayed her distance that day. It had been after a particularly frustrating case, and she'd been exhausted. As a result, it was hard to put on a show for the kids. Now Castle's behavior back at the hotel was beginning to make some sense.

Jim swallowed some tea and glanced up at her with an uncertain expression. "And there is also the matter about you disappearing one night a week. It's suspicious. Especially when I know it's not because of a case you're working."

"Dad…"

He held up his hand to silence her, giving her a paternal look. "I know you're a grown woman and can do what you want, Katie," Jim assured. "So I'm not judging. It's just… I don't want you to feel like you have to hide the fact that you and Rick are meeting to… um… 'be alone'. After all, I already know you've guys have… well, there's Alexander, he's proof enough of what you two… _do_."

Kate's cheeks were turning bright red as she blushed with embarrassment. "Dad, can we not talk about—"

"It's this sneaking around, Katie, that concerns me," Jim rushed out before she could finish speaking. It was the note of disappointment that cause Kate to stop and listen. "It's not you. And it just… just doesn't seem healthy for a relationship."

"I know," she cut him off before he could say anymore. She was already more than embarrassed about the direction this conversation had turned. Jim Beckett had never had to have this kind of talk with her before. Her mother had already given it to her when Kate went through puberty and started noticing the changes in her body, not to mention taking notice of boys.

"Then, what's going on?" Jim asked, shifting against the counter. "I know you two are… well… I don't really want to know what you two do when you go off alone together, even if I generally know what's going on…" now he was blushing, which made Kate feel better. At least he was as embarrassed as she was at this conversation. "It's just… damn it, Katie… I want you to be happy. And even though you're with him, in whatever way you are, you don't look happy. So… what's happened?"

Kate struggled to respond. She really didn't want to talk about this with her dad, but she had little options. She could have discussed this with Lanie, but she didn't want to burden her friend with her own personal failures. Plus, this was a family matter, really. And Kate wanted to keep it that. And as much as she loved Lanie, she wasn't family.

"He looked into Mom's case," Kate blurted out, almost crumbling with the grief and betrayal of it all over again.

Jim paused, and took a measured breath. "He… _what_?"

"I don't know how, but somehow he got his hands on the case file… and… and he looked into it," Kate explained, surprised at how calm and collected her voice was despite the tumult of emotions storming around inside her. She looked at her father, unsure on whether he was angry or not. Sometimes it was difficult for her to gauge his reaction on certain things.

Instead of blowing up with rage, like she had, Jim gave a small, understanding nod. "I see," he said in a quiet voice. "And… you're angry about this?"

"Of course I am," she scowled, feeling the return of the ire she'd felt when Castle had first confessed to her. "I told him not to look at it, but he did. He specifically went behind my back despite what I told him. He betrayed me."

"Did he?"

"Dad," Kate groaned, shocked. He was supposed to be on her side.

"Look, Katie," he turned and placed his cup down. "I know what this means to you, but let me play devil's advocate for a moment."

She relented with a stiff nod.

"He loves you," Jim asserted, firm and assured in that belief. "And from what I can see, deeply so. And he knows you, probably better than anyone else, including me. I think he understands what your mother's case means to you. The drive you have to solve it. The fact that you have yet to have closure."

"Dad…," she pleaded, her voice quivering, having heard enough. Her eyes fluttered and tears welled up.

"I think he knows that… that you _need_ closure," Jim said, swallowing. "I'll admit, there is still a part of me that wants to crawl up into that bottle again and drown in the grief of losing your mother, the woman I loved… that I still love. There are still nights that I wake up in bed and reach over to her side only to remember she's not there… that's she's gone and not coming back. Grief like that, Katie, it's a terrible thing to live with. But when you got pregnant with Alexander, I realized I couldn't live in the past. My daughter was in trouble and needed her father. I was going to have a grandson. And I knew that Johanna wouldn't want me wallowing in the past, but to live in the present, to be there for you and her grandson. So I got sobered up. For you. For her. For Alexander."

"It's not the same thing, Dad," she murmured, breathing heavily as she tried to keep the tears at bay. She didn't want to belittle her dad's struggles with alcohol addiction, but this case… the knot it tied in the pit of her stomach, filled with such miserable despair, that just begged to be untied and freed was far more intoxicating. At least for her. The desire and drive to find the truth was more than an addiction, it was an obsession… a dark rabbit hole that would consume her entire being, leaving nothing left.

"I know, Katiebug, I know," her father whispered, stepping closer and wrapping his arms around her.

The use of her pet name broke down her defenses. Kate let out a stifled sob and buried her head into his comforting shoulder. He held her as she cried, for her mother… for herself. She really was a mess. There was just so much about her life she wished could be different. But wishing wasn't going to change anything. Her life was the way it was, and she'd just have to learn to live with it. The big question was whether or not she could ever fully forgive Castle and let him all the way back into her heart… if not just her pants.

Her father stroked her hair and held her close. "She was your mother, but she was my wife," Jim spoke softly. "And I love her, Katie. Always will. But as I said, life goes on. You, of all people, should understand that. You showed that to me when you gave me Alexander."

She swallowed past the anguish building in her throat and tilted her head to glance up at her father. Jim had tears in his eyes and returned her gaze, giving her a watery smile. "I will never forget her, Katie. Never truly move on. I don't expect you to either. However, there is a difference between honoring her and dwelling on her loss."

"I was doing fine, Dad," she protested, her voice still heavy with the inner pain of it all. "I _was_ moving on. I'd put the case behind me."

"Had you?" he asked, skeptical. "Are you telling me that if Rick hadn't looked into your mother's case, you wouldn't have… not now, but someday?"

Kate narrowed her eyes and remained silent. She couldn't answer that, because if she did, she knew she'd be lying.

"Look, sweetie," Jim continued. "All I'm trying to say is that he might have done the wrong thing for the right reasons."

"And what reasons are those?" she questioned, still disbelieving. Honestly, she really didn't believe what Castle had said. Part of her still thought he'd looked into her mother's case to dig up juicy details for Nikki Heat's background.

"Are you seriously asking me that question?" Jim pulled back to give her a pointed look, very much the disappointed parent.

"Dad," she protested.

Jim sighed. "Alright, it seems I'm not the one you need to talk too. You obviously won't listen."

"I heard every word you said," she asserted defiantly.

"But did you understand them?" Jim questioned, giving her that fatherly look that had irritated her like hell as a teenager.

She huffed and pursed her lips.

"Just think about it, okay?"

Kate gave a nod and leaned back into him, seeking his comforting embrace. Jim sighed and obliged her, wrapping his arms around her trembling frame and brushing a kiss against the top of her head as he had when she was a little girl. Kate let out a breath, feeling content and loved. But it wasn't the kind of love she really wanted. She wanted Castle. _Her_ Castle. She wanted him back… for more than just weekly rendezvous in a hotel room. But he'd just given her an ultimatum that needed an answer.

The problem was… she didn't know how to answer it.


	8. Chapter 8

In the past, when he got in a mood like this he'd write. However, instead of distracting him from what had happened, like he had hoped, it had only further reminded him of the gulf that was steadily growing between them. With _Heat Wave_ finished and sent in for final edits, Gina had begun to pressure him for some advance material on the next installment. With how things were between him and Kate, Castle wasn't too keen on getting started with it. But then again, he also wasn't too keen on having his ex-wife incessantly pestering him until he gave her something to review. So he was left with no other option but to start working on Nikki Heat—Book 2.

One thing he'd always done when he started a project was to select a working title. It was just one of the things he did that helped get the ball rolling, giving his creative juices some fuel to work with. So that's what he did. He was tentatively going with _In Heat_ , but that sounded a little too explicit, even for him. And considering that, as he wrote out the first chapter, it just seemed to turn into a twenty-page sex scene—more smut than literature—he really needed to rethink that title.

In the end, it really didn't help distract him from his own problems. Writing about Nikki Heat and Jameson Rook verbally sparring and then falling into bed (or the shower, couch, kitchen counter, coffee table… etc.) with each other only served to remind him of the lack of such between him and Beckett. Not the sex, they'd had that in spades, but rather the playful banter that they'd always had since the beginning. It was like foreplay.

And he missed it.

He missed _her_ … the real her, not the one that showed up for their weekly rendezvous. He wanted his playful Jane back; the one who was fun and carefree, full of life and love, the one who'd laugh at all his jokes, even if they weren't funny. He wanted Kate. But he could have her. She was gone.

Trust. That's what was at the crux of their current problems. He broke her trust by digging into her mother's case, and he didn't trust her enough, especially in her current emotional state, not to act on her threat to find someone else to sleep with. The idea of her seeking comfort in another man's arms was like an awful twisting churning around in the pit of his stomach. Just the thought alone made him want to vomit.

Yet, despite all that, Castle was positive he'd done the right thing. Even though it hadn't been pleasant, it had been something he had to do. Walking out of that hotel room had been one of the hardest things he'd ever done. But it had to be done. They'd gotten stuck in a rut, and were coming dangerously close to falling into a mind-numbing pattern of mindless sex. And frankly, the sex had lost its appeal a while ago.

And that wasn't right. Not with her.

Sex with Kate Beckett should always be appealing. And he wanted to fix that. So he had to break the cycle before it became permanent. And despite how emotionally difficult, he was proud of himself for sticking to his guns and handing out that ultimatum. But he was also terrified. Of what? He couldn't say. Dammit… Yes, he could! He was terrified of what she might do… or more precisely, of _who_ she might do, if he was being honest.

" _No talk. No sex."_

" _You promised! You said you'd be there for_ whatever _I needed. And right now, I just need sex!"_

" _Yeah, well, I'm not giving it to you."_

" _Then I'll find someone who will!"_

After Sorenson had gotten shot as result of a case they'd been working on, Kate—out of some depraved sense of guilt, in his opinion—seemed to warm back up to the bastard, despite the fact that the FBI Agent had been nothing but a complete jerk since he had shown back up. Castle knew that the guy wanted back with Beckett. Who wouldn't? After all, Castle had been working on that very same goal since the minute she walked back into his life. It had gnawed at his gut when he'd seen the two of them chumming it up in the hospital—Beckett had actually been openly flirting with her old flame—all the while Castle had been gearing up to break the news, and inform her about the new lead in her mother's case… a lead he'd found by breaking her one rule.

So, when Beckett had instigated their little 'friends with benefits' arrangement, Castle had been somewhat relieved and hopeful. He had originally thought it wouldn't take long for her to break her own rules. After all, from his standpoint, emotions refused to remain stifled when sleeping with someone, no matter what she tried telling herself, saying that it was nothing more than sex… the love just had to bleed through somehow. For him, it couldn't be helped; it had always been more than about the sex. However, when it came to Kate Beckett, it appeared that he'd been sorely mistaken.

She was an emotional conundrum.

All true intimacy in their relationship had vanished. Castle couldn't even call what they did in the hotel room intimate, not in the true sense of the word. There had been no feeling in what they did… no passion. It was all just motion and friction, the releasing of frustration and tension. There was no eye contact, no kissing, and no caressing of any kind, unless it served a purpose to sexual arouse. And since he hardly felt satisfied afterwards, always left yearning for more, Castle wondered if Kate felt the same.

He honestly didn't know anymore.

It unnerved him to no end that he had no answers, nothing but empty promises that they were not over. Well, from his point of view, they'd been over ever since Kate instituted the damn deal. So he was done with it. Done with her… no he wasn't. That was a lie. He would never be done with her. Yet he was done with the deal, with the secret rendezvous in hotels. They weren't having some illicit affair. Nothing they did together was shameful or wrong. They were two consenting adults who loved each other, or at least that's what Castle thought. He wasn't sure anymore. All he knew was that he had to wait her out, to see how she'd respond to his ultimatum.

After everything that had happened, the waiting was the worse.

XXX

Someone was knocking at the door. Hard and precise, with a steady and determined rhythm. Castle startled, blinking his eyes as he came back from his thoughts. He gazed down at the flashing cursor on the laptop screen, and sighed. He wasn't going to get anything done. He'd been trying for two weeks, but nothing would come. All he ended up doing was sitting at his desk, numbly glaring at the blank screen as he gulped down tumbler after tumbler of scotch until he was drunk enough that when he finally did start to type, he'd just end up writing smut… between him and Kate, veiled in the characters of Nikki and Rook.

The knocking continued, and from the cadence of each knock, Castle knew precisely who it was. Beckett.

He glanced at his wristwatch and gasped in surprise. _Is that really the time_? Castle double-checked with the clock in the right hand corner of the screen for confirmation. "Shit," he grumbled under his breath as he quickly slammed the laptop lid down and jumped up out of his chair. He fumbled for his phone, momentarily forgetting where he'd left it, before finding it—of all places—in his front pocket. Once he got it out, he flipped through his contacts and selected the number of their favorite pizza place.

The knocking became more insistent.

"I'm coming!" he shouted, while pressing the cell phone to his ear and listening to it ring, wondering where Alexis and his mother were, since he didn't see them in the kitchen or living room. It annoyed him a little. Normally, when he was hold up in his office writing (or attempting to write), Alexis would have taken care of dinner for him. And seeing as it was the last Friday of summer vacation, he knew she wasn't busy somewhere doing homework.

Just as he reached the door, the kid from the pizzeria answered. Castle gripped the handle and swung the door open to be greeted with the stern and frustrated visage of Kate Beckett, looking highly irritated. His eyes flicked away from her glare, and he looked down at his son, giving him a wink and smirk. Alexander smiled back, his eyes crinkling with amusement as Castle bent down so they could do their secret handshake. Out of the corner of his eyes, he noticed Beckett silently watching them, her eyes softening at the obvious bond between father and son. Castle cautiously flirted his eyes up to her as he stepped back, ushering them in while he quickly placed their order.

"Did you forget about tonight?" Beckett asked when he closed the door and finished the call. She was still standing in the foyer, her brow furrowed with slight irritation. "If it's a bad time, we can always reschedule."

"No," he replied tersely, taking a moment to center himself. It had been two weeks since he'd last seen her, and it was almost unsettling to once again be in her presence. Part of him was elated, while the other part was terrified. After they'd left things at the hotel room, Castle didn't know how to behave around her anymore. He'd been worried last week when she'd skipped out on family dinner night, but when Jim and Alex had arrived at the Mexican restaurant they'd agreed to meet at last Friday, Jim had told Castle that Beckett had been called into the precinct for a case. Seeing her narrowed eyes, he firmed up his jaw and returned her gaze. "I was trying to write, and I… I just lost track of time. Pizza's okay for dinner, right?"

"Duh! Pizza's great, Dad!" Alex cheered as he made his way over to the couch, rolling his backpack of his shoulders and dumping it on the floor. "You got pepperoni and black olives, right?"

"Of course," Castle grinned down at his son, reaching out to affectionately ruffle his hair. "And the Greek combination for your mother and Alexis."

Alex squirmed and scooted back, combing his hair back. "Dad!" he whined. "You're messing up my hairdo."

He chuckled. "I didn't know you were going for a particular look," he replied with a lighthearted smirk, plopping down on the couch as Alex dug through his backpack for his comic books.

As Castle worked to get comfortable on the couch, he felt a strong feminine hand tap his shoulder. It was only for a second or two, but even that brief contact still sent an electric tingle through his veins. It also didn't help that the air around him was invaded by the sweet scent of cherries. He bit the inside of his mouth, stifling the almost involuntary response of certain parts of his anatomy. His chest tightened and a sudden warmth permeated his body. He groaned inwardly. Now was not the time to become aroused, especially when his 10-year-old son was getting ready to show him his latest comic books. Gritting his teeth, he arched his neck to look up at her, raising an eyebrow in question.

"Mind if I help myself to some wine?" Beckett asked him, her voice flat and unemotional.

"No, not at all, help yourself. _Mi casa es su casa_ ," Castle replied with a wave of his hand, dismissing her and turning his focus back on his son. He got a thrill out of Alexander's interest in comic books. He had tried getting Alexis into them when she was Alex's age, but it wouldn't take.

While Beckett remained alone in the kitchen, sipping from a full glass of wine, Castle sat in the living room, avidly listening to his son talk about his favorite superheroes. It didn't take long until they got into a debate over the difference between superheroes with and without superpowers. Alex was arguing that Batman was more heroic because he used his intellect and inventive mind to beat the bad guys, while other superheroes relied too heavily on their superpowers. Castle agreed with him, for the most part, but just for the heck of it he spent his time arguing the other side, just to see how Alex would defend his opinion. And he was good. Which didn't really surprise him, when Castle took into consideration the boy's lineage.

When the doorbell rang, Castle excused himself, asking Alex to go find his sister and grandmother and tell them dinner was ready. As Alex scrambled up the stairs in search of Alexis and Martha, Castle turned to ask if Beckett would mind setting the table. But when his eyes fell on her, he stopped dead in his tracks, mouth hanging open in astonishment when he noticed she was already in the process of doing just that. Despite his unease at being so close to her again, a small smile worked its way onto his lips as he watched her move about the kitchen. He couldn't help but marvel at how she knew where everything was, just how _at home_ she appeared in his kitchen.

Castle took the time to admire her from afar, appreciating the way her jeans hugged her backside as she stretched up to pluck some glasses down from the cupboard, and the way her hair, which she'd allowed to grow out over the summer, framed her beautiful features. No one could say Kate Beckett wasn't attractive, that's for sure. He should definitely get some sort of medal for his super human restraint at holding out and rejecting the free no-strings-attached sex she offered.

The doorbell chimed again, breaking his trance, and returning him to reality. He sighed, and, not for the first time, wished things had gone differently back in the spring, and that she'd listen to him when he had explained his reasons for looking into her mother's case. If only she could have understood him, then they wouldn't have been in the awkward place they were now. After one last glance in her direction, Castle turned around and jogged over to the door.

After he paid for and retrieved the pizza from the scrawny teen, to whom he gave a generous tip, Castle heaved in a deep breath and prayed to whatever god was listening to grant him the fortitude to last the next couple of hours without giving in to his seriously needy base desires. It was harder going cold turkey than he had anticipated. So being around Beckett again, seeing her in the flesh and smelling her intoxicating scent, was going to be a serious test on his willpower.

Thankfully, before he could reach the table—and Beckett—the "Double A's", his affectionate nickname for his lovely children, came down the stairs, followed by their flamboyant grandmother, who was draped in some puce monstrosity.

"Dear heavens, Mother, what are you wearing!?" Castle shrieked in mock-horror, all in good fun.

"And a pleasant evening to you, Richard," she replied with equal sarcasm.

"Oh, I don't know, I think it's nice," Beckett spoke up, giving Martha a smile of true female solidarity.

"Thank you, darling," Martha beamed at her and wrapped her arms around the brunette in an exaggerated embrace. "At least someone in this family has some taste!" she declared haughtily as she cast a disapproving glance Castle's way.

"What do you say to that, Castle?" Beckett challenged, raising an eyebrow, a light smirk gracing her lips.

"I'd say it's too early in the evening to have you two gang up on me," he replied, easing into the light banter they'd been sorely lacking for the last couple of months.

"Oh, don't be so droll, dear," Martha patted his cheek as she walked past him. "You love it!"

" _Ha_!" he snorted. "Double _ha_!"

"I'm with Mom," Alex announced to the room, catching everyone's attention. "Grams looks cool. Like she's some sorceress ready to conjure a spell to summon a dragon!"

"Why thank you, Sir Alex," Martha did a little bow and then settled down into the chair beside her grandson, giving him a half-hug. "How was your day, dear? I hear you start school again soon."

"Ugh… don't remind me!" Alex bemoaned, rolling his eyes and theatrically flopping his head down on the table, a true testament to the innate acting abilities passed on to him from his grandmother.

"Hey now," Beckett admonished lightly as she placed a plate in front of him. "I thought you were looking forward to going to school."

"I only said that yesterday because I got bored stuck in that stupid break room," Alex objected, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest in a gesture that was very Beckett-esque. "When you told me that I could come to the precinct with you, I thought I'd get to follow you around and catch some dirt bags, you know… like you do with Dad."

Castle's breath stilled and he noticed that 'deer in the headlights' look flash across Beckett's face. They both knew he hadn't shadowed her at the precinct for the entire summer, but that wasn't something Alex needed to know.

"I said nothing about any such thing," Beckett finally spoke up, ending the slightly awkward silence. Castle caught Alexis staring at him with a confused expression, and he bit his tongue, praying the conversation would move on before his bright daughter caught on to the awkwardness between him and Beckett.

"You should have gone into advertising, Mom," Alex griped. "Because you certainly know how to make a good sales pitch."

" _Right_ ," she chuckled and handed the other plates to an amused looking Alexis, who dutifully set the rest of the table. "But I think you're trying to distract from the fact that you said you were looking forward to school."

"Come on, Mom!" Alex complained. "You were sneaky. Sticking me in that smelly old break room with nothing to do. And… and you tricked me."

"I did not," Beckett shook her head, but smiled just the same.

"Did too," he pouted, now resembling his father.

The whole conversation threw Castle for a moment. It wasn't the first time he'd witnessed such an exchange between Beckett and Alex, but it was the first time he'd seen such a thing in a while. And he found it oddly comforting. The tightness in his chest seemed to ease with the normalcy of the repartee between mother and son. He suddenly felt happy again, a feeling he hadn't felt in months. It was very agreeable.

"Earth to Dad!" Alexis's amused voice broke through his daze. Castle shook his head, and glanced at his daughter. "Yes, Pumpkin?"

"Are you going to serve the pizza, or would you like me to do that?" she questioned, pursing her lips as she suppressed a laugh.

"Right… pizza," he nodded, quickly placing the two cardboard boxes in the center of the table and opening the lids. "Dinner is served!"

"About time!" Alex asserted as he sat up and stretched out to grab a slice of his favorite pizza.

Castle smirked, and turned around, intent on getting himself a glass of wine, but was stopped short when he found Beckett was already holding out a freshly filled glass for him. He gulped in surprise at her sudden close proximity, and hesitantly reached out to accept the proffered glass. A shiver rippled down his spine when their fingers brushed.

"Thanks," he squeaked out, unsure of himself.

"You're welcome," she replied with a soft voice, her lips pursed in a tight smile.

Furrowing his brow in confusion, Castle watched as she walked around the table and took her seat next to Alexis. He stepped back to his spot, and sat down at the head of the table, flicking his eyes up to notice Beckett was staring at him with warm dark eyes. He took a long sip of his wine, suddenly having a sinking feeling that he'd need the liquid courage to get through the rest of the evening.


	9. Chapter 9

He sat silently in the study, vaguely listening to the sounds of the opening fanfare to _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_ drift across the loft from the living room where Alexis and Alex were camped out on the couch with popcorn and snacks, debating over whether or not the book was better than the movie. As a writer, Castle was inclined to support the former rather than the latter.

Leaning back in the comfortable cushions of the leather armchair, Castle closed his eyes and relished the quiet calm that had settled over the study. He held his glass up and swirled the liquid around before taking a generous quaff. Castle was just beginning to regain control over his conflicting emotions regarding Beckett, when her voice broke through the silence.

"My Dad wanted me to tell you he was sorry for not coming tonight," she spoke softly, with a gentle conversational tone, as if she was worried to provoke any form of quarrel between them. His eyes flirted open and he watched as she slipped gracefully down into the armchair across from him. She was also nursing a full glass of red wine. "He has a court hearing early in the morning tomorrow, and he wanted to get his beauty sleep," she continued with her explanation after pausing briefly to take a sip of her wine.

"Oh, that's okay," Castle replied, unsure how to really respond. Normally, during family dinner nights, while the kids sat down to watch their movie, the adults, himself, Kate, Martha, and Jim would find a place to sit and chat about things. Of course, with how things had been with Beckett for the last couple of months they really hadn't done that in a while. Instead they'd kind of started just joining the kids in watching whatever movie they had selected.

He flicked his tongue out across his lips anxiously and took a big gulp of his wine, glancing over at Beckett as she tucked her legs under herself and leaned back into the comfy leather armchair.

For the life of him, Castle couldn't fathom how they'd ended up alone. He vaguely remembered his Mother saying something about being invited to some after show party with an old beau, and that she wouldn't be back until the wee hours of the morning; heavily hinting that she'd probably be doing the walk of shame. Castle had groaned at the unsolicited information, and scrubbed his hand down his face in an attempt to hide his mortification at Martha's habit of always providing him with more information than he required.

"Oh, don't be such a prude, dear," Martha had scoffed, patting his cheek affectionately. "I can't attest to recent months, but in the past you two—" she was roping Beckett into the conversation "—have been known to be quite… _vocal_ … in expressing your passions for one another." She added an exaggerated wink, which was totally unneeded, as both Castle and Beckett had known exactly what she was referencing.

"Mother!" Castle had gasped. He had gone completely beet red with embarrassment, and had been unable to meet eyes with Beckett, whose face was turned bright pink as well, while Martha bustled about getting ready for her date.

And to make matters worse, he was pretty sure that Alexis had overheard at least part of the conversation and had even shared a knowing look with Martha at the end of that particular comment. And here Castle had been thinking that he and Beckett had been so discrete at the beginning, back when they had just started renewing their physical relationship.

With his Mother out for the night, that just left him, Beckett, and the kids, who started up the movie almost immediately after Martha had breezed out of the loft in typical theatrical fashion. Castle enjoyed the Harry Potter films, but he wasn't in the mood for the whimsical fun to be had, so he'd just refilled his glass of wine and retreated into the study. And then Beckett had followed and eased down into the seat opposite him.

An awkward silence descended upon them, and neither knew how to break it. Castle squirmed uncomfortably and averted his eyes when he caught her staring at him. Her eyes were like fire, flames dancing in the low light, but the burning embers weren't that of anger or ire, but of a deeper heat that had always burned between them since the very first moment they'd locked eyes over that crowded bar all those years ago.

"I've missed you," she confessed, breaking the silence.

His eyes snapped up to her, stunned that she'd admit that. Her voice was so quiet; he almost didn't hear her. She slowly raised her glass to her lips and took a long sip, her movements smooth and graceful. Castle stared, mesmerized by the motion of her throat as she swallowed. He was in awe of her, of how she could remain so calm and collected on the outside, when, just like him, she was probably going crazy on the inside.

"So… have you really been writing?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied hesitantly, not at all interested in Beckett discovering the treasure trove of smut based works he'd recently written, and especially when he had used characters that were a literary extension of themselves. Now that he was thinking about it, he really should delete them, otherwise he'd run the risk of his computer getting hacked and then seeing his fantasies splashed all across the internet for the entire world to see. And that was not something he wanted to see.

"Let me guess," she hummed slightly as she tapped one finger against her chin in thought. "Sex."

Castle sputtered, almost snorting out a mouthful of wine.

"Really!?" Beckett exclaimed, a saucy smile forming on her lips. "You've spent hours upon hours shadowing me and the boys at the precinct, and all you can write are sex scenes."

"Why is that so surprising?" he flushed, fumbling for a response. "Let me remind you, Detective, I really haven't been shadowing you at the precinct as of late. The only sort of inspiration I can get from you right now involves a copious amount of raunchy sexual details that are better suited for an erotica novel rather than a murder mystery."

Beckett swallowed and pursed her lips, flicking her eyes up at him with an amazed look. "I… I still inspire you?" she questioned, a wondrous quality to her voice, not at all fazed by the implication that she was the inspiration for scenes of an erotic nature.

Castle froze like a deer caught in the headlights. _Shit_. He'd revealed too much. She wasn't supposed to know that he was still thinking about her. His ultimatum would only work if she knew his resolve was firm and impenetrable. Now he'd just revealed a chink in his armor. He groaned and let his head drop back against the headrest. "Please, Kate," he begged. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you're flattered."

"But I am."

"Just a couple of months ago, you'd have threatened to shoot me for writing sex scenes involving characters based on us," he countered.

She tipped her glass in acknowledge of that fact, before taking a quick sip. "A lot has changed since then, Rick," she replied, putting emphasis on the use of his first name.

"Don't."

Beckett raised her eyebrows. "Don't what?"

"Suddenly act like you care."

"But I do care," came her soft response, so quiet that he almost didn't hear it at first.

His throat clenched with conflicting emotions as he glanced back at her. "Do you?"

"Yes," Beckett answered, gazing back at him with warm eyes. "I do. I know I'm not good at showing it. But I do care." She shifted, stretching her arm out to put her wineglass down. She sat up straight and placed her hands in her lap as she took a deep breath of resolve, before returning her eyes to his. "Look, Castle, I've been thinking, and I need to tell you something."

_Oh no_ , he thought. Nothing good ever started with those two phrases. "Please, don't," he pleaded, his voice cracking. After all the time and effort they've spent in rebuilding this relationship, she couldn't just cut and run now. Maybe he'd pushed her too far. Maybe he shouldn't have given her that ultimatum.

"Damn it, Castle," she ground out heatedly, growing frustrated. "You wanted us to talk, so let me talk!"

He swallowed past the lump in his throat and bobbed his head, preparing for the worse. Beckett sighed and ran her fingers through her luscious hair. It looked so soft now. He'd really liked how she'd let it grow out and return to its natural brown color. Jane had been a brunette, and he'd always thought Kate looked better with her natural hair color, even if that darker coloring with the hint of red was kind of cute.

"As I was saying," Beckett continued, her tone returning to that soft warm quality. "I've been doing some thinking over the last two weeks. About me. About us. About where I want us to be… _what_ I want us to be, and I know I've made some mistakes these past few months, but…"

"Some!?" he scoffed.

"All right, a lot… a lot of mistakes, and I regret them, I do," she asserted. He blinked and gazed at her, taking in her sincerity. This was beginning to sound a lot less like a break up speech and more like an apology. "Most of all, I regret what I said that last night in the hotel. I really didn't mean it, Castle. You have to believe me," a tinge of desperation leaked out into her voice. "I would never do that to you." She paused for a beat, taking a deep breath, before locking eyes with him. "I'm not Meredith."

Castle let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding in. "I believe you," he said, noticing how her shoulders relaxed with relief. He took a deep gulp of his wine, needing the liquid courage to continue this conversation. If she was willing to talk, so should he, especially since it was his idea. "And you're not alone, either. I've made mistakes as well. Hell, we've both made mistakes."

Beckett inclined her head. "Yeah, we both have," she agreed with a rueful chuckle. "I… I just wish things could be easier. We were so happy. Things were going so well."

"They were, weren't they?"

"Yes," she smiled at him, and it was beautiful. She was beautiful.

Castle sighed and rubbed the back of his neck after he leaned forward to place his glass down. This was no time to be drinking. He needed to remain clearheaded for this discussion. "Maybe… maybe we can start over, you know, try and put this behind us… work at… at rebuilding things. Would… would that be something you'd be interested in doing?"

Beckett stared at him for a long moment and then nodded. "Yes. Yes it would. I want us to work… so very much." She leaned back in the chair and raked her fingers through her hair, blowing out a breath of hot air. "And I… I'm still not complete there, you know? I really want to be there… _with you_ , Castle, but I'm still having trouble reconciling what you did."

"I understand," he sighed, knowing it wasn't going to be that easy. "Do you think you can ever forgive me?"

"Yes," she said after some thought, sounding so earnest that he was caught off guard by such certainty. "Yes, I do. I… I just need a little more time. Can you give me that?" Her wide eyes looked at him with a pleading quality, like she was afraid she'd done too much damage that he'd be unwilling to wait any longer for her to repair it.

"As long as it's not too long a wait," he stipulated. "I'm tired of this rift between us. And I think the kids are noticing that things are different between us. Alexis started to ask questions this morning during breakfast. I don't know how much longer I can hold her off until I'm forced to tell her. She's very grownup for her age."

"Yes, I know," Beckett smiled fondly. "You've done a marvelous job with her, Castle. She's turning into a brilliant young woman."

"Thank you," Castle returned her smile, his heart warming at the thought of his wonderful daughter. "And you've done a magnificent job with Alex. He's a great kid."

"Thanks," she ducked her head down bashfully. "But I can't take all the credit. My dad has been a big help." He grinned, always finding it amusing how it was difficult for her to accept compliments, even when they were well deserved.

A comfortable silence stretched out between them. "Yeah, so time is sort of a factor with this," Castle said, bringing them back to the original discussion. "Not to pressure you or anything, but this is beginning to effect others. So we do kind of need to address it soon." She inclined her head in agreement. "Plus, my Mother knows. She figured it out like after the first three weeks. She broached the subject once, and let me tell you… that was an awkward conversation."

"So has my Dad," Beckett added, averting her eyes shyly, a slight hint of pink blossoming across her cheeks. "He… he actually tried having a talk with me a couple of weeks back."

"Oh… that must have been embarrassing," Castle interjected with a slight smirk, just imagining Jim Beckett trying to have that sort of conversation with his strong and independent daughter.

"You have no idea," Beckett laughed, shaking her head at the memory, blushing even more. "Not something I ever want repeated, that's for sure."

They both shared a laugh at their mutual mortification at having their parents get involved in their love life. It was only a brief respite, though. Beckett was the first to sober, turning serious and nervously playing with a loose thread on her sweater. "Do… do you think we'll make it?" she hedged, unsure.

"Huh?"

"That we can go the distance?" she elaborated, glancing up at him with a sheepish expression.

Castle mulled that question over for a while, before inclining his head. "I do," he declared, firm in his belief.

"How can you be so sure?" she questioned, looking so confused and uncertain. She gestured between them. "I mean, look at us, we've really done a number on each other over the last couple of months. How can you still believe that we can make it?"

"Simple," Castle said, making sure to look her directly in the eye when he answered. "I have never felt this way about anyone before. And that's the honest truth, Kate. As far as I'm concerned, you are it for me. You are the one. No one can compare, so why even bother looking."

"Rick," her breath hitched up as she looked at him with large uncomprehending eyes, so in awe of his conviction. "I… I didn't know you felt that way."

"Well, now you do," Castle shrugged, easing out of his chair, and slowly approaching her. She stiffened, her back straightening as he dropped down to his knees before her, cautiously placing his hands on the arms of the chair to prevent her from escaping. She had a tendency to run when it got real. "I fell for Jane all those years ago, but it was Kate Beckett that I fell completely head over heels for. I loved Jane, but I'm _in_ love with Kate Beckett."

Her lower lip trembled as her eyes began to water. "Castle…"

"Shh," he soothed, easing up and raising a hand to brush her hair away from her beautiful face as she shivered. "Tonight was a start. But I think that that is enough talking for now. And if it's okay with you, I'd like to kiss you." Castle palmed her jaw and caressed her cheek with the pad of his thumb, seeking permission.

She bit her lower lip and inclined her head, closing her eyes as she eased into his touch. Castle slowly leaned forward, holding his breath in anticipation. It had been far too long since he'd kissed her, and this was a moment he intended to savor. He brushed his nose against hers, in a sort of Eskimo kiss, providing her with some time to accustom herself with the knowledge he was going to kiss her. Her breath danced across his mouth as she parted her lips expectantly. He eased into her, a hair's breadth away from closing the distance.

"Hey Mom, can I have a…?"

Startled, he immediately pulled away and turned towards the doorway, seeing a wide-eyed Alex standing there as he glanced back and forth between his mother and father, his face turning bright red in embarrassment.

"Yes, Alex?" Beckett questioned, breathily, the first to return to reality as Castle stayed completely still, a blush darkening his face. Alexis had caught him and Gina once—and they'd been doing far more than just almost kissing—but she had been too young to fully understand what they were doing. He knew he shouldn't be embarrassed about being caught in an almost kiss with the mother of his son, but they'd never really been that intimate around Alex before. The closest they'd ever come to that was holding hands and lingering hugs.

"Um…," Alex stammered, just as incoherent as his father.

"You wanted to ask me something?" Beckett asked, leaning back and brushing a hand through her hair.

"Yeah, yeah," he rushed out. "Can… can I have a soda?"

Beckett glanced at her wristwatch. "I don't know. It's a little late," she said, noticing the hour. "But, seeing as it's a Friday, sure, knock yourself out."

"Really?" Alex was amazed.

"Yes, really," Beckett smiled fondly at her son. "Go get yourself a soda and we'll be out in a moment to join you guys."

"Okay! Cool. Thanks Mom!" Alex enthused as he darted from the room, the awkward scene already forgotten.

Beckett turned back to Castle and caressed the side of his face, pulling his attention back to her. "Sorry," she said.

"Not your fault," he mumbled.

"I know," she sighed. "But still… I was really looking forward to that kiss."

"You were?" he asked, pleasantly pleased.

"Of course," her eyes sparkled as she brushed a flop of hair away from his forehead. "So, hurry up and kiss me before Alexis comes in demanding to know what is going on!"

Castle smiled happily, finally feeling like they were on the right path, and before she could change her mind, he jumped forward, surprising her as he captured her grinning lips in a heated kiss.


	10. Chapter 10

Five weeks.

Yes. She was counting. How could she not?

It had been five weeks since the last time she had sex with Castle, four weeks since his ultimatum, and two weeks since they kissed for the first time in months. The long summer was over, and things still hadn't righted themselves. She needed to fix that.

Two weeks ago, she'd discovered the best ally she had in that fight. Communication. Actually sitting down and talking about things had lifted a lot of the load off her shoulders, but it was also something that she… that _they_ were terrible with. It had taken a lot of courage for her to follow Castle into his study after dinner, knowing they'd be alone, and finally talk with him while the kids watched their movie. It had taken even more courage to admit out loud that she'd missed him, and contrary to her recent actions, she did care for him and wanted it to work between them… not just in the short term, but also for the long haul.

It had been something they'd never really had the time to discuss. They had just rekindled the romantic side of their relationship, and both were keen on staying in that bubble for as long as possible. Unfortunately it had burst far sooner than Kate would have liked. She was still struggling over what he'd done, but she believed she was moving past it. Kate felt certain that she was capable of forgiving him. He'd come so close to apologizing that night they'd kissed… so close. But he hadn't actually said it. She knew he was, but she needed to hear it.

Her biggest surprise from that night had been when Castle confessed his long term hopes and dreams for them. Kate knew it was silly. She should have known. Yet she hadn't. She'd been completely oblivious to just how deep his feelings for her ran. It should have been obvious when he'd given in to her 'friends-with-benefits' arrangement. Castle loved her so much that he would take whatever she'd give him. So she didn't begrudge him for caving in to her 'sex only' demand. If the roles had been reversed, she'd probably have done the same.

While her personal life has been chaotic, her work had been more stable. It became clear very early on that the boys missed having Castle around. Even Montgomery seemed to take notice of Castle's absence, stating that the precinct just wasn't the same without everyone's favorite tag-along writer. None of the team asked why Castle had ceased coming into the precinct, which Kate was eternal grateful for. She just couldn't stomach the embarrassment of explaining things without really giving too much away. Kate preferred to keep her professional and personal life separate.

Cases had been pretty light, and there had only been one case that had her thinking of Castle. It had been a weird one, involving an out of work clown—in full getup, no less—and a menagerie of exotic animals. She had spent hours just staring at the murder board, knowing that one of his crazy stories would have been a big help. She missed building theory with him. But the thought had been fleeting, and Kate managed to push him out of her mind, focusing on catching the killer and bringing closure to the victim's family.

It was what she did.

It was what she'd always done.

XXX

Kate walked up the stairs of her apartment building, shifting her bag on her shoulder as she reached the fourth floor landing. The elevator had been out of order for the entire week and it was beginning to get on her nerves. She was fit and in good shape, so it wasn't really a challenge, it was just annoying to have to trudge up the stairs after a long day of running down suspects when all she wanted to do was plop down on the couch and relax. Her feet were killing her. Then again, it probably didn't help that she wore high heels to work. Not for the first time, she wondered what the hell she was doing wearing heels to work. High heels weren't really the ideal footwear for her chosen profession.

Yet despite all that, a smile still ghosted across her lips as she recalled the first time Castle noticed her chasing after a suspect in those killer heels. Yeah. Just the stunned and slightly aroused look on his face alone was worth the pain of sore feet.

"Seriously? How can you do that?" he'd gasped, eyes wide in awe and a little bit of lust.

"Just one of my many superpowers, Castle," she'd replied with a wink, already loving the banter, even back then.

"Really?" Castle had been intrigued. He had raised an eyebrow and cocked his head as he gazed at her. "Any other superpowers I should be aware of? Besides the ones I already know about." He had added a suggestive wiggle to his eyebrows, letting Kate know he was referring to the bedroom acrobatics they'd done all those years ago in her off-campus housing, when she was Jane and he was Alexander.

She remembered blushing at the comment; the heated flush of arousal coursing through her veins as she vividly recalled those 'bedroom acrobatics'. She had to admit, she had been surprised at how he could still effect her after so long apart. Even when she was angry and/or frustrated with him for being an annoying pest, Kate still had trouble resisting the natural magnetic pull between them. It was a wonder she lasted as long as she did before succumbing to her desires and practically jumping him in the precinct elevator. Of course, Will Sorenson had to go and ruin that moment by misinterpreting what was going on, not to mention his petty jealousy over the fact that Castle was Alex's biological father.

Kate shook her head, breaking out of her internal thoughts as she slid the key into the lock and opened the door, stepping into her apartment. She closed the door and bolted the lock before removing her overcoat and hanging it on the coatrack. She tossed her keys into the bowl located on the credenza, and marched down the hall, bypassing the living room and kitchen to deposit her gun and badge in the strongbox in her room.

After changing out of her work clothes and into something more comfortable, Kate emerged from her room and sauntered back down the hall to the kitchen, catching sight of her father by the sink cleaning up the dishes. He looked up, startled by her presence.

"Katie… you're home!" Jim gasped, raising a hand to his chest.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you," she said as she placed a kiss on his cheek, moving around him to pull a wineglass down from the cupboard.

Jim inclined his head as he turned back to the sink. "I didn't think you'd be in until much later," he informed her. "If I'd known you were getting off early, I would have made more spaghetti."

Kate frowned, popping the cork on a bottle of Merlot. "I forgot it was spaghetti night," she said, slightly disappointed. Spaghetti night had always been one of her favorites, especially when she was little and her mother would sit her up on the counter and explain each step of the cooking process. Jim had restarted the tradition after Alex had been born, doing his very best to make Johanna Beckett's special spaghetti sauce from scratch. It was a Beckett family tradition, one that was continuing alive and strong with the addition of the Castle clan.

"I could easily whip you up a small batch of sauce and boil some pasta," Jim offered, glancing across at his daughter as she poured herself a glass of wine.

"No, that's okay," Kate replied, already opening the refrigerator to glance at the leftovers. "I'll just reheat something."

"You sure?" Jim questioned. "It's no trouble."  
"Yeah," she glanced up with an appreciative smile. "I'm fine with leftovers. Besides, if I don't eat them, no one will."

"Suit yourself," Jim quipped back, grinning at his daughter as he turned back to his task of washing the dishes.

A comfortable silence descended between them as Kate selected some leftover lemon chicken from two nights ago, popping it in the microwave. She chopped up some lettuce and other greens to make a small salad, and then cut the chicken up, sprinkling the chunks over her salad before adding the dressing. After rummaging around one of the drawers for a fork, Kate leaned back against the counter and picked at her dinner.

"Alex already in bed?" she inquired, watching her father dry the dishes after cleaning them.

He tilted his head and gave a nod. "He has a math test tomorrow. Alexis came over after school to help him study."

Kate smiled softly as she nibbled on a piece of chicken. She was happy that sister and brother got along so well despite the age difference and separation. When the siblings met for the first time, Kate had been so nervous that they wouldn't get along. Alexis was a wonderful teenager and had turned out to be very accepting and kind about the entire situation, which had been completely different from what Kate had originally expected. And there was still a small part of her that wanted the teen to be mad at her for denying her the chance to grow up with her little brother, yet there was never any sign of animosity or anger from Alexis.

"Did she stay for dinner?" she asked, curious.

"Uh-huh," Jim inclined his head in the affirmative. "She's a great girl."

"Yes, she is," Kate replied, putting her half finished chicken salad down to take a sip of her wine. "Castle has done a fabulous job raising her."

Jim nodded in agreement, done with the dishes. He turned to her with a cautious expression. "After seeing her tonight, I was left wondering how I should refer to her," he said, his brow furrowing slightly. "I mean, I'm assuming that if things hadn't gone badly between you and Rick all those years ago, you two would probably have gotten married and you'd have probably signed some sort of adoption-like papers making Alexis yours as well, legally speaking."

Kate bit her bottom lip, and knitted her eyebrows together as she thought. In the end, she was forced to concede her father was correct in his hypothesis. If things had continued to progress between her and Castle without the misunderstandings and rushes to judgment, she'd probably be already married to him.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," she agreed, taking a long gulp of her wine before proceeding. "About a lot of things."

"So… do you think it's okay if I start referring to Alexis as my granddaughter?" Jim asked, raising his eyebrows in question. She couldn't help but not notice the hopeful expression flashing across his features.

"I… um…," Kate fumbled for an answer. She placed her glass down and rubbed her arms as she hugged herself while she thought. "I don't know, Dad. Honest. Castle and I aren't exactly together right now. And I just…"

Jim cut her off with a stern fatherly glare. "Don't think you can get away with that, Katie, especially with me," he warned, crossing his arms over his chest in the way he did when, during her teenage years, she'd gotten caught sneaking back inside the house at some ungodly hour. "I'm your father. I know you better than that."

"Fine," she sighed, and raked her fingers through her hair as she let out a frustrated breath. "We're together… just not together _together_ , if that makes any sense."

"And are you going to fix that?" Jim asked, resting his hip against the kitchen counter as his eyes bore into her.

"It's complicated, Dad," she tried to explain. "But, I'm trying to." She flashed him a small smile. "Things have… gotten better. We… um… we finally managed to talk about some things after the family dinner."

"Really? When was that?"

"Two weeks ago," she informed him.

"Oh," he bobbed his head. "So you talked. Good. And?"

"Why does there always have to be an 'and'?" Kate groused.

"Because there always _is_ an 'and' with you two."

She grumbled and averted her eyes, attempting to buy herself a little bit of time before responding. "Fine! _And_ … we kissed," Kate disclosed. With the memory of that kiss resurfacing in her mind, she couldn't stop the happy smile from breaking across her face.

Jim frowned, confused. "I don't understand? Not that I'm saying I want to know all the little details of what you two do alone together, but we both know that I know you've been doing a lot more than just kissing this summer." He paused for a beat, before adding with a disapproving stare, "What with all those weekly rendezvous in hotel rooms."

Kate groaned, flushing pink with embarrassment. She thought they'd already covered this before. "Dad… please, trust me, this is not a conversation you want to have… _again_. I mean, didn't we already have this conversation… like a month ago?"

"Sort of," he conceded. "But you're good at avoiding."

She gave a noncommittal shrug. "So?"

He let out a frustrated sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. "Look, Katie, you need to talk about things. You're very good at keeping things bottled up inside. And that's not healthy."

She let out a disbelieving scoff. "I just said that Castle and I talked. What more do you want?" Kate demanded, scowling.

"I know, sweetheart, and I'm immensely proud of you for doing that," Jim said.

"I'm sensing a 'but'."

" _But_ there are obviously things you need to talk about that you can't talk about with Rick," Jim elaborated. "And if you won't talk to me, talk to someone else. Like Lanie. You'd probably be more comfortable talking about certain aspects of what is going on with her."

"She has tried, yes," Kate admitted. "But… I just can't." She shook her head. "This… it's too personal."

"But she's your best friend," Jim pointed out. "I know you were able to talk things out with her when Will left for Boston."

"That… that was different," Kate raised a hand to deflect the topic of her ex-boyfriend, turning around to hide her face from her dad.

"How so?"

Her shoulders slumped with defeat. "I didn't love him."

"Oh," Jim gave a nod, understanding. "But you love Rick."

"Yes," she tilted her head to look at her dad, resting her hands on the counter. "And even though Lanie's always been there for me during times like this, I just can't talk with her about what's going on with Castle. I… I just want to keep it private."

"Why?"

She shrugged, uncertain. "I don't know."

"Katie…," there was a familiar warning edge to his voice.

"Because… even though we're extremely close, she's still an outsider. And it… it's… this is a family matter."

"So you're admitting that the Castles are family?" Jim asked as he raised an eyebrow at her in challenge, finally getting around to his original question and daring her to deny it.

Kate furrowed her brow and chewed on her lower lip as she at last contemplated the question that had started this whole conversation. "Yes," she answered, decisive. "Yes, they are." She reached for a wine glass and took a delicate sip. "Yes. Alexis _is_ your granddaughter. Not by law or blood, but by heart. And you should call her that." She smiled and took another sip of her wine, gaining courage. "We're all a family. Granted, a hugely dysfunctional one, but a family nonetheless."

"I'm glad," Jim smiled, stepping over to her and wrapping an arm around her shoulders, giving her a half hug and a fatherly kiss on the top of her head. "So, now that we got that settled and out of the way, what do you think you're going to do about Rick?"

"Open back up to him," she answered at length. "Let him in… slowly. We both agreed that we needed to learn to trust again, so that's what we are going to do."

"There's something else," Jim narrowed his eyes.

Kate sighed and relented with a nod. "I'm still waiting for an actual apology," she admitted. "I mean... I know he's sorry. I know that. But he hasn't actually said that. And… I think once he can work around to actually verbalize that, then I'll be ready to forgive and move our relationship forward on the right path."

"Want me to knock some sense into him?" Jim asked, dead serious.

"No," she snorted out a light laugh. "This is something I want him to do himself. But thanks."

"It's what fathers do," Jim quipped back and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, before bidding her a goodnight and leaving her to finish her half eaten dinner.

XXX

"Mom, is that you?" came a small voice, sleep-heavy.

"Yes, sweetie, it's me," Kate murmured, pushing the door a little wider open and tiptoeing across his room until she could perch herself on the edge of his bed. The mattress dipped slightly as she sat down. He turned onto his back and blinked in the darkness, gazing up at her in confusion.

"Is everything okay?" Alex asked, the worry evident in his tone.

"Yes, everything is fine," assured Kate as she lightly ran her fingers through his messy brown hair, brushing it back from his forehead. He closed his eyes and sighed, easing into his mother's touch. "I just wanted to check in on you before I went to bed."

"I'm not five, Mom," he groused, but the tiny smirk on his lips belied his whine.

Kate smiled. "I hear Alexis came by tonight to help you study for your math test."

Alex bobbed his head tiredly. "Yeah… she's a whiz with numbers." He paused, and licked his lips. "If I get an A, can we go to a movie this weekend?"

She thought about it for second, and then inclined her head. "Yeah, we can."

"Awesome! Alexis and Dad, too?"

"Of course," she replied. "It'll be the whole family."

He smiled sleepily and curled against her, sighing in contentment as she scraped her fingernails against his scalp, like she had when he was little. Kate pursed her lips and continued to gently rub small little patterns in her son's hair as he began to drift back off to sleep. Just as she was about to get up and leave, he stirred and reached for her.

"Mom?"

"Yes, Alex?"

"Are you and Dad getting back together?" he asked, the longing in his voice hard not to miss.

Kate stilled and looked down at her son, taking in the features that we're uniquely Castle in origin. His eyes were the same shade of blue as Castle's were, and held that same mischievous spark and thirst for knowledge. She'd be the last to admit it, but Alex had always favored Castle in appearance, even when he was just a baby. Her brow furrowed as she gazed at him, suddenly noticing that as Alex grew, he was beginning to look more and more like his father. Soon, he'd probably be the spitting image of a teenage Rick Castle. She was left a little breathless by the realization.

"Mom?" he prompted, moving to prop himself up on his elbows.

She gave a small shake of her head, clearing her thoughts and returning her focus back to her son. "Um… why do you ask?" she inquired hesitantly, knitting her eyebrows together.

Alex shifted against his pillows. "I saw you guys sucking face," he said with that trademark Castle humor. "Looked pretty serious to me."

Kate's lips quirked up in a half-grin as she shook her head in amusement. "You are definitely your father's son."

"And… is that a good thing?" Alex hedged, wary.

Kate smiled down at him. "It is, yes." She smoothed her hand over his chest and gently nudged him back down. "Now, get your sleep. I'll make a special breakfast for you tomorrow."

"Banana Blueberry Chocolate Waffles?" he asked hopefully.

"What else would I make?" she laughed softly, and then leaned down to kiss his forehead. "Night, sweetie. I love you."

"Kay… night, Mom," Alex replied drowsily, turning onto his side and nuzzling into his pillow, already fast asleep.

Kate rubbed his back affectionately, before standing up and pulling the blanket up to drape over his shoulders. She crossed her arms and stared down at him, watching his tiny chest rise and fall as he slept blissfully unaware of the tumultuous relationship drama going on between his parents. She bit her lower lip as she thought about his question. For the first time since that fateful night where she barged into a book launch party to drag a bestselling mystery novelist in for questioning, Kate Beckett knew what she wanted the answer to be.

And she could only hope that Castle was on the same page.


	11. Chapter 11

He had no idea what he was doing sitting here, anxiously drinking some coffee he ordered when he had first sat down in the booth. Just the other night, he'd been lounging on the couch with Alexis and Alex, watching some B-grade zombie movie and pigging out on junk food, when they were interrupted by a phone call. It had been Beckett. Normally she'd had been with them, enjoying the family time, but she'd been on call and had a case to solve.

"Kate? Is something wrong?" he'd answered the phone, a little worried considering the late hour.

"No, everything's fine. I'm just getting off," had come her hesitant voice.

"You coming over? I can make up the guest bedroom for you?"

"No… no, that's okay," she'd replied hastily. "I have to get up early tomorrow to hunt down a lead. So, I'm just going to go home and crash." There was a pregnant pause. "I… I was wondering if you'd… er… I don't know, maybe like to… um… meet up for coffee before my shift tomorrow?"

"Um… sure, that'd be nice," Castle had reluctantly agreed. It had almost sounded like she was saying 'we need to talk', and in his experience, conversations that began with that phrase never went well.

"Great," she had enthused. "Can you hand the phone to Alex? I want to say goodnight."

Afterwards, Castle hadn't been able to focus on anything else. The rest of the zombie movie was a blur. He saw the kids to bed, and then tried to get some sleep himself. But sleep never came. He ended up tossing and turning all night, to the point where he was up and showering long before he needed to.

And that's how he found himself sitting in a booth, sipping coffee… and waiting. Once again waiting… on Kate Beckett. It seemed like all he did was wait for her. At first, it was waiting for her to acknowledge him as more than a pesky shadow interfering with police procedure—granted, sometimes he probably was. But still, he had helped crack some cases; she couldn't deny that. Then it was waiting for her to be ready to tell Alex the truth about them, and who he was in relation to the boy. And finally, it was waiting for her to get over her hang-ups and insecurities to admit that she still had feelings for him.

Yet, despite all that patient waiting, it felt like they'd just hit repeat, and were cycling back to the beginning. He'd be the first to admit that some of that was likely his fault. If he hadn't dug into her mother's case, Beckett would never have been disappointed and angry with him. She'd never had imposed that absurd 'friends-with-benefits' arrangement that they'd been living in for the entire summer. And he'd never have been forced to issue that damned ultimatum.

The setbacks had been difficult to deal with, as he missed her, he truly did. But it was about more than just the sex. He wanted Jane back, the carefree and loving Jane, who gave herself whole-heartedly to him. He had seen her in Kate when they'd first gotten back together, shining through the cracks in the hard shell of Detective Beckett. But with his betrayal, those cracks had been sealed and cemented, reinforcing the wall around her heart, making all the more of struggle to break Jane out.

Castle sighed, and shifted anxiously in his seat. He wasn't above admitting that he was nervous. Slightly over two weeks ago, he'd finally gotten to kiss her again, and it had been wondrous. However, they'd yet to have a repeat performance. The closest they got to that kind of intimate contact again was when they'd gone to a movie as a family to celebrate Alex's good grade on a math test that Alexis had helped him study for. Unlike the last time they'd done such a family activity, where she had made sure the kids sat between them, Beckett made a point of sitting next to him, and sharing a bag of popcorn. Their fingers had brushed on multiple occasions, and by the end of the movie, they were holding hands.

It was a start. He'd concede that. It was just a slow start. And after a long summer of meaningless sex in impersonal rendezvous, Castle was growing restless for some forward momentum that proved things were on the right track. He supposed he should be grateful for the little progress they'd made. But he couldn't help but being greedy, and wanting more. Castle wanted to hold Kate in his arms again, to kiss her freely and tell her how much he loved her, and then to show her, worship her body and soul as he had back when she was Jane and he was Alexander.

He'd have to wait for that. Just like he did with everything else. But he was willing to wait, even if it frustrated the hell out of him. Kate Beckett was worth the wait, of that he had no doubts.

Castle took another sip of his coffee and glanced around the familiar diner, taking in the _mise-en-scène_. He couldn't help but remember the first time he'd been to this diner with Beckett. It had been right after they'd told Alex the truth, and were getting ready to introduce him to the rest of the family.

XXX

_Castle ended the call and shoved his cell back into his pocket, glancing up to look at Beckett and her son—their son—sitting across from him in the booth. He couldn't help but smile as he observed this new side of Beckett… the mom. He hadn't seen it before, and he found it very endearing to watch her mother Alexander. That still made him smile. Even though she'd been upset and mad at him, she'd still named their son after him._

_He reached out and snatched a fry from Beckett's plate and popped it into his mouth, grinning mischievously as she shot him a little annoyed glare, but her reprimanding intent was betrayed by the twinkle of amusement in her eye. And_ _then her eyes softened just a bit, and he noticed the anxiety trickle in, the silent communication that they so easily shared._

" _Was that Alexis?" she asked, speaking out loud what her eyes had been asking, referring to his phone call._

" _Yep," he confirmed with a nod. "She just called to confirm that she and Mother will be back at the Loft in two hours. So… we still have some time to kill before we gotta head over there."_

_Beckett gave a slight nod before shifting next to Alex, who was focused on slurping up his chocolate milkshake through the straw and grinning widely when it made funny noises. Castle cracked a grin, remembering doing the exact same thing when he was that age… and last week._

_He watched as Beckett absently nibbled on a fry as her eyes glanced out the window, contemplative. Her uncertainty and insecurities were rolling off her in waves, and Castle didn't know what he could do to reassure her that his family wasn't going to be jumping at her in judgment over the last nine years. He'd already discussed it with Alexis and his Mother, both together and separately, and after much discussion, the whole family had agreed that they needed to move past it and embrace the new future that was stretching out before them._

" _Mr. Castle, are you married?" Alex suddenly spoke up, pulling Castle's focus away from the brunette detective and towards his son._

" _Uh… um… no, why do you ask?" Castle inquired, a little startled by Alex's abrupt question._

" _You just said 'Alexis and Mother', so I… assumed you were referring to Alexis's mom," Alex said, now looking uncertain about his assumption._

" _Oh," Castle's heart eased a bit. "No… I was referring to my mother, Martha Rodgers. She moved in with us just about around the time I started shadowing your mom."_

" _So she's my grandmother, right?" Alex asked, his eyes twinkling with all the new information he was getting about his family background. He looked positively thrilled with how his day was going. Castle couldn't blame him. Now that they'd broken the news to Alex, he was hoping he'd get to spend a lot more time with his son, and the boy's mother as well. Oh, yes… Castle was looking forward to spending a lot more time with Detective Beckett outside the precinct._

_Blinking out of his thoughts, Castle returned his attention to Alex, and smiled. "Yes," he nodded. "And she's really excited to meet you. As is Alexis. She's always wanted a little brother or sister."_

" _Cool," Alex exclaimed, before diving back into his milkshake._

" _Really?" it was Beckett speaking now, having previously been silently listening in on their conversation. Castle flirted his eyes up, catching the anxious tone to her voice._

" _Absolutely." He nodded. "Don't worry, Beckett," he assured her, itching to reach out and give her hand a comforting squeeze, but managed to restrain himself, knowing she wouldn't allow it. "Everything is going to be okay."_

_She let out a sigh and tentatively inclined her head before turning her attention to Alexander, who still had a nasty bruise on his cheek from his fight at school. He watched as she frowned, before wrapping an arm around Alex's shoulders and rubbing his arm attentively. Alex looked up at her with a confused, and somewhat embarrassed expression, no doubt he felt awkward receiving public displays of affection from his mom. Castle could relate… though, unlike Alex, he wouldn't mind some PDAs from Beckett directed his way._

" _Mr. Castle, I was always wonder—"_

" _Stop calling him that, sweetie," Beckett admonished softly, stroking her hand up and down his arm._

_Alex furrowed his brow and glanced up at her. Castle raised his eyebrows, intrigued at her sudden interruption. His gaze darted back and forth between mother and son, waiting and watching._

" _Mom?" Alex asked, clearly confused._

" _He's your father," Beckett said, her eyes flicking up to lock with Castle's for a moment. "You can call him 'Dad'."_

_An excited smile spread across their son's face. "Oh… yeah, duh!" he chuckled, shaking his head and turning back to Castle._

" _You had a question?"_

" _Yeah, yeah," Alex seemed to be bouncing with anticipation. "Mom's always told me that I was named after my father, but you're name is Richard Edgar Castle."_

_He pursed his lips together and looked across at Beckett, before returning his gaze to Alex. "Yes, that's true," he said. "I was born Richard, but only my mother calls me that. Most people call me 'Rick'… or, like your mom and her colleagues… 'Castle'."_

_Alex bobbed his head and picked up a fry from his mom's plate, giving him a very Beckett-like stare. "I can't help but notice you didn't really answer my question."_

" _Oh, he is so your son," Castle smirked, glancing up at Beckett to see a beaming smile of pride plastered across her face as she gazed down at her son. Her eyes shifted and she looked at him. "Should I tell him, or do you want to?"_

" _You're the one he asked, Castle," Beckett said. "You tell him."_

" _Okay," he shifted and licked his lips nervously before turning his attention back to Alex. "When I met your mother, I'd just gotten through a very nasty divorce with Alexis's mother. I wasn't really in a good place. I was depressed and lacking some confidence in my own self-worth."_

_Beckett gave him a sympathetic look, knowing the full story about how Meredith had cheated on him, not just once, but multiple times, to the point that even Alexis's paternity had been called into question during the custody hearings. Her hand twitched and he was startled when she reached across the table and grasped his hand tightly, giving him a comforting and supportive squeeze._

_He smiled at her, appreciatively, before continuing. "As a result, I went out a lot to places where no one knew me and I could just be lost in a crowd, one face among many. But my invisibility didn't work with your mom. She saw me, came over, and started talking. I was so worried at first, thinking that she'd recognized me from Page 6 or some event I'd attended, and was just talking with me because I was famous."_

_Alex glanced between his mom and Castle. "Is that how you really met?"_

" _Yes," Beckett said, her voice heavy with the remembered emotions of the chance meeting. "I was celebrating my birthday with some friends—well, they weren't really friends, but at the time, I thought they were. And I was just trying to be alone, dwell on my own thoughts, when I looked up and saw your father. We locked eyes and had an instant connection." She shrugged. "I just had to talk to him."_

_Castle was stunned. He marveled at how she'd so nonchalantly told their son about how'd they first met at the club all those years ago. It was different, hearing it from her perspective. Refreshing, in a way._

" _You see, Alex, I had grown tired of the sycophants and phonies that hanged around me solely for my fame," he said, picking up where he'd left off. He noticed Beckett was watching him with interested eyes, as intrigued at his version of events as he'd been by hers. "It became clear very early on in our conversation that she didn't know I was Richard Castle, famous novelist. So, it made me feel good about myself that your mom was talking to me because she liked me for me, not for my fame. I liked it so much that I just couldn't bring myself to break that wonderful bubble of anonymity, because I really liked the feeling of someone talking to me, Rick… not to Richard Castle."_

" _I can understand that," Alex bobbed his head, just like Alexis, wise beyond his years. Must be a family trait, Castle thought._

" _So, when she asked my name, wanting to keep that feeling of being liked for who I was and not for my fame, I told her my name was Alexander Rodgers," Castle explained. "Which was the truth, from a certain point of view. I really didn't lie. My name may legally be Richard Edgar Castle, but I was born Richard Alexander Rodgers."_

_Alex leaned back in the booth, nodding his head, smiling slightly at finally having confirmation that he was, in fact, named after his father. "I'm so glad it wasn't just some name you made up," he admitted. "I've always liked the idea I was named after my dad. It made me feel close to him… well… to you, I guess." His eyebrows knitted together, confusedly. He chuckled and shook his head. "I_ _guess I'm still getting used to it."_

" _I know the feeling, buddy," Castle replied with a slight grin._

" _So those were your reasons?" it was Beckett asking the question._

" _Huh?" he glanced up, puzzled. Her question seemed to have come out of nowhere._

_She stammered, and averted her gaze, a blush coloring his cheeks. "About why you lied about your name?" she elaborated._

" _Yes," Castle answered with genuine honesty in his voice, praying that she'd recognize his sincerity. "I wanted you to like me for me, not for the person of Richard Castle."_

_Beckett slowly drew her lower lip between her teeth and smiled. "I did," she responded after a long pause. "I liked you for you." Then she paused again before adding. "I still do."_

XXX

It all seemed so long ago. A happier time, a simpler time, when things didn't seem as complicated as they were now. A time in which he firmly believed things were heading in a positive direction. Though they'd made some improvements, and things were getting better, he still felt like they were at a standstill. And he wanted that to change.

He was pulled from his thoughts when the bell dinged, announcing the entrance of another patron. Castle glanced up, his eyes softening while a warm feeling spread throughout his veins as he recognized the slender form of Kate Beckett. She was dressed in her usual work attire, looking effortlessly gorgeous. His heart rate increased and he couldn't stop the smitten grin from forming across his face as he stared at her, milking in her natural beauty.

"Hey, Kate! It's been a while," the old man behind the counter called out when she entered.

Beckett stopped and turned, giving the man an easy smile. "Just been busy, Viktor," she replied. "How's Lucille?"

"Oh, doing good," he replied happily. "The doctors say she's in remission. She's taking it easy, spending time with the grandkids."

"That's good. Really good," Kate smiled, reaching out across the counter to give the man's arm an affectionate squeeze. Castle watched the interaction, suddenly remembering that the Becketts were regulars and were treated practically like family. Jim came here often for coffee and brunch with his friends.

"That writer you like is already here," the old man pointed to Castle, not so subtly.

Castle saw Beckett roll her eyes and smile. "Yeah, I'm meeting him for coffee… we have some things to talk about."

Viktor nodded sagely. "How about I fix you two up some blueberry waffles to go with those coffees?" he asked, smiling warmly at Kate.

She chewed on her lower lip, before nodding. "Yeah. That sounds good. Thanks, Viktor."

"No problem, Kate!" the man grinned, and then turned around to prepare the order.

Beckett wrapped her fingers around the ceramic coffee mug he'd placed on the counter for her as she spun around, catching Castle's eye. She flashed him a quick smile, before closing the distance and sliding into the booth, sitting opposite him.

"Thanks for agreeing to meet me so early," she spoke softly, pausing to take a sip of her hot coffee. "I know how much you like to sleep in."

"No problem," he said, practically inhaling his coffee. "To be honest, I really didn't sleep at all last night, so it was no trouble."

Beckett raised her eyebrows as she looked him over, a hint of concern in her eyes. "Because of me?"

"No… more 'us'," Castle answered at length. She gave him a sympathetic look before averting her eyes. "I love you, Kate. And it physically hurts when I can't say that and have you doubt my intentions."

"I don't," she asserted, glancing back up. Her eyes firm. "I don't doubt your intentions, Castle. I may have, a long time ago, but not anymore." She paused for a moment, chewing on her lower lip. "And I feel the same way. I hate that we're at odds. And I really want to fix this, to make everything right."

"As do I, Kate," Castle affirmed, reaching out to grasp her hand, smiling when she flipped her palm over and intertwined their fingers. He sighed, and looked up into her eyes. "It's just… I know we're getting there. It… it just…"

"Feels like it's taking too long," Kate supplied with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah," he bobbed his head.

She squeezed his hand reassuringly. "I want the same thing, Castle. I want us to be more… so much more than we are," she asserted. She licked her lips and Castle sucked in a deep breath, sensing a confession coming. "I've had a lot of time over the years to think about us, and… and I've come to the conclusion that this… that you… you're _it_ for me. There is no one else. When I think of the future, all I can see is you." She paused to let out a long breath. "I told you once that I was a 'one and done' kind of girl. So I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that you're my one. I just want you."

"Oh, Kate," Castle mouth spread wide in a joyful grin. "I… I feel the same way."

Beckett flicked her eyes up at him before her lips spread wide in a beaming smile, one that lit up her whole face. She got up from her side of the booth and he watched, curious and a little confused until he noticed what she was doing. He smiled widely and scooted over just as she slid into the booth, saddling right up along beside him, pressing up against his side as he angled his mouth to met hers in a heated kiss.

He sighed and closed his eyes, relishing the feel of her lips moving over his, her hand coming up to caress the side of his face and hold him there. She broke away first, nipping at his bottom lip as she panted against his mouth.

"You never cease to amaze me, Kate Beckett," he murmured, still slightly dazed by the kiss, nuzzling his nose against hers. He let out a shaky breath and glanced up at her, smiling weakly. "It's strange, you know? I almost feel like this is a first date."

Beckett smiled coyly as she batted her eyelashes. "What if it is?"

Castle sputtered, caught off guard for her response. He looked into her eyes, seeing that sparkle and zest for life that he hadn't seen in so long. He reached up and cupped the side of her face in his palm, caressing her cheek with the pad of his thumb. "To a new start," he murmured.

"A new start," she echoed, her eyelids fluttering closed as he leaned in to give him another kiss.

He hummed into her mouth, holding her tight as she brought a hand up to rest on his chest, just over his heart. She sighed and leaned her forehead against his, eyes locked in a silent yet heated discussion. A lot of work still lay ahead of them. Everything wasn't fixed yet, but at least the wait seemed over. They were finally on the same page. Their moment was interrupted when someone cleared his throat. Startled, they pulled back from one another to find Viktor standing by the table with a knowing smirk spread across his wrinkled face, eyes twinkling with amusement.

"Here's your blueberry waffles, kids," he chuckled. "Enjoy yourselves."

"We will!" Castle hollered back as the old man walked away. Kate gave him a little glare and swatted his chest playfully, before he silenced any objections she was about to make with a deep kiss.


	12. Chapter 12

"Too early," Castle grumbled, rolling onto his side and grabbing the pillow, bunching it up around his head, hopeful that it would block out the shrill noise of his cell phone's ringtone.

The ringing stopped after a minute, and he sighed in relief, turning to lie on his back. His hand absentmindedly drifted across to the other side of the bed, only to feel cold empty sheets. He frowned in confusion, fairly certain in his half-awake state that there should be someone occupying the right side of his bed. It took him a moment to remember that the warm body he was expecting to find wouldn't be there. At least, not yet. Though soon… yes, very soon.

Groaning, Castle rolled back onto his side, putting his back to the empty side of the bed, trying not to dwell on the fact he'd spent yet another night alone in bed. It was his own damn fault, really. So he shouldn't be the one complaining. He was the one that had called an end to their 'friends with benefits' arrangement. But he had a very good reason. Right? Yes. He need. He just couldn't remember it right now in his half-asleep stupor.

Closing his eyes, he tried to fall back into that sweet bliss of sleep once more, silently praying that his subconscious would conjure up images of a deliciously naked Kate Beckett for him to do naughty things to in his dreams. But his attempt to return to dreamland was once again interrupted by the shrill sound of his cell phone. Cracking an eye open, Castle glared out at his nightstand as the offending electronic device continued to ring and buzz. He didn't want to answer it. He just wanted to stay curled up under the covers for another hour or two… or three.

 _It could be Beckett_ , his inner voice supplied, but he knew it wasn't. _But it could_ , his subconscious persisted, much to his chagrin. He growled in frustration. Even though he was pretty sure that it wasn't Beckett calling, he couldn't let it pass by in case if it really was her calling. It had only been a couple of days since they decided to start anew, so things were still fresh. And he didn't want to run the risk of messing things up so soon by ignoring her call. Shaking his head, Castle pushed up on an elbow and stretched an arm out to snatch his phone.

"Rick Castle," he answered, voice gruff and rough from sleep.

"Finally," came a nasally high voice. "I thought you'd never answer."

Castle groaned inwardly and slumped back down onto the bed, pressing his head back into the pillow, glaring up at the ceiling. Now he wished he'd followed his original intent and ignored the call. "Good morning to you, too, Paula," he ground out.

"Are you still in bed?" his agent hooted out.

"I had a late night," he replied, his eyes flicking over to the empty space in bed beside him, once again wishing Kate were there.

Paula chuckled. "Some pretty young thing wear you out or something, old man?" she teased him.

"No," he grumbled, scrubbing a hand up and down his face, feeling disappointed that his late night wasn't a result of that kind of activity with a certain brunette detective. "I was alone last night."

"Really?" she clucked her tongue, clearly not believing his assertion that he didn't have some young buxom bimbo wrapped up in the bed sheets with him.

Castle snorted. "If you must know, I was writing," he informed her.

"Nikki Heat?" Paula questioned, not doing a very good job of hiding her astonishment. "I thought you'd drained that well dry. Didn't that detective kick you out?"

"Yes, she did," he bobbed his head, rubbing his forehead and closing his eyes. "But inspiration hit. And you know me, when I get in the zone, I block everything else out… including the clock."

There was a slight pause before his agent spoke again. "Oh my God," she shrieked, her high-pitched voice piercing up into the high decibels. Castle squinted his eyes in pain and held the phone away from his ear. "You dog! You snagged her… didn't you?" She laughed, delightfully. "And here I thought she'd hold out forever, and leave you sexually constipated. I almost thought I was going to have to take care of you myself like I did back when that Jane woman left you," she declared, though he couldn't help but notice that longing lilt in her voice, as if she had been hoping she'd get another round with him.

Castle groaned inwardly, reluctantly recalling the incident all those years ago. Paula Haas was a great agent, but he wouldn't really call her a friend, by any stretch of the imagination. He'd hired her immediately after Meredith had cheated on him. And not long after that, he'd met Jane (a.k.a. Kate Beckett) and when that relationship had fallen apart, it had been Paula who had to pick up the pieces immediately afterwards.

She was unashamedly easy, and didn't care what others thought of her promiscuity. And she was a predator, always on the prowl for another hunk of meat. Back then, after Jane had left him, Castle had been easy prey, and it hadn't taken that much effort for him to become ensnared by Paula's lascivious claws for a brief fling. Though, thankfully, it had just been a quick blow and hump in a supply closet at a book signing, and not some long torrid affair.

"Once was enough, Paula, don't you think?" he said.

"Speak for yourself, big boy," she crooned. "You've got the goods, and know how to use them. Not many men do. And trust me, I know. So I wouldn't object to another go. If only you weren't all hard for that detective, I could give you a good time, Ricky."

"Paula…," he ground out in warning.

"Right," she replied. "So, how was it? Was your reserved and stoic muse a wild tiger in bed? I bet she was. She's too confident in herself not to be. I bet she's a little kinky, too. She's way too by the book; I just know she'd let loose in bed and does all sorts of wild things. Come on, Ricky... give me some details. You know you want to. Now's not the time to be modest. You've never had problems sharing all the juicy details in the past. Why stop now? Or was this one different?" She chuckled softly. "Oh my, Rick… she was the initiator, wasn't she? So… how was it to be the conquest instead of the conqueror?"

"Dear god, Paula… enough!" Castle hissed out, raising his voice and sitting up, rubbing his temple with two fingers, already getting a headache from having to listen to her nasally high voice. She may be a great agent, but it was almost painful to have long conversations with her. "Please, don't talk about Beckett that way. She's not like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you," he gritted through clenched teeth, angry.

"Rick Castle, are you calling me a slut?" she asked in feigned indignation.

"If the shoe fits," he grumbled under his breath. Silence met him on the other end of the line. Castle pursed his lips, momentarily wondering if he'd gone too far in defending Kate's honor. Though it wasn't like what he'd said about Paula wasn't true. Still, she didn't know the whole story.

Castle had to remind himself that his agent wasn't aware of the link between him and Beckett, let alone that Beckett's son was, in fact, his. She'd questioned him once about why the detective's son had a room at the loft, and why he was always busy doing "family activities" with the Becketts. He'd simply told her that he was being a friend, and that sometimes Detective Beckett needed someone to look after her son, and he'd volunteered to help out. Luckily for him, preparing the promotional material for _Heat Wave_ had distracted Paula to the extent that she didn't notice all the inconsistences in his tale.

Beyond that, Castle had also done a very good job of keeping it all away from prying eyes, mostly because he knew how much Beckett valued her privacy. Only their families and friends at the 12th precinct knew the truth about their past relationship and how Alex Beckett connected them. Paula had no idea that Kate was Jane and that Castle was working at rebuilding and rekindling that relationship.

After an exceedingly awkward pause, Paula laughed. "Okay, I grant you that," she conceded, not at all offended, unashamed of her promiscuous lifestyle. "Besides, she's way too uptight to be getting any that frequently. She probably caved to your charms because she was in desperate need of a good fuck and what better fuck than with a dashingly handsome mystery author known for his abundant sexual appetite."

"You make me sound like a man-whore," he said, half-smirking.

"Well, you are, Ricky," Paula said, soothingly, in that way she does that sounds more like she's placating her sensitive client than anything else. "You parade around for the press and sell yourself. Nothing to be ashamed about. You're good at it. Really good! Why do you think your books sell?"

"Because they're compelling reads," he offered lamely.

"Ha, God no!" Paula laughed. "Sex. Sex sells, Ricky. And you, my ruggedly handsome friend, are sex on two legs."

"Yeah, I try," he chuckled, but then pursed his lips and drew down his brow. "But seriously, Paula, I'm alone. And I was writing last night."

"Okay, okay," his agent surrendered. "But you want my advice. Grab that woman and just fuck her brains out. From the few instances I've met her, I'm positive she's in desperate need of that."

Castle couldn't help but grin, knowing he'd already done such with Kate Beckett, but he kept that to himself. "I'll see what I can do," he said instead.

"You do that," Paula replied, as if she was issuing him a direct order. "On a related note, I've got some news for you… it involves the detective, as well. It seems news of your detective roleplaying has gotten out. _Cosmo_ would like to do a feature article with you and Detective Beckett."

"Oh… um… that's…"

"Amazing! I know! It'll be great press for the book, and the NYPD, I might add," Paula interrupted him. "I'm already setting it up. I'm thinking we should do a photo spread along with it. Don't worry about anything. Leave the details to me. I'll contact the NYPD public relations department and arrange everything. _You_ just deal with that pretty detective of yours and see if you can get her to play nice for the camera. I know she can be a bit of a tight-ass."

 _Oh, yeah, she's got a tight ass_ , Castle thought to himself, for a moment falling back into his memories of running his fingertips along the perfectly firm curve of her rear. It had been way too long since he'd had last stroked his fingers over her bare skin, or touched her in an intimately way. The last time they'd had sex—which was during their 'friends with benefits' arrangement—had been over a month ago. Their recent relationship reboot, as it were, hadn't yet progressed beyond handholding, soft caresses, and some pretty intense kisses.

He needed to remedy that as soon as possible.

"Yeah, yeah," he fumbled out, only just remembering that he was on the phone with his agent. "She doesn't really like the press. Thanks for the heads up. I'll see if I can smooth things before the interviews."

"You do that," Paula said. "And while you're at it, see if you can 'smooth things' out in other ways. Bye."

She hung up before he could respond. He stared at the phone and ground his teeth in frustration. Castle really didn't need Paula's help in reminding him about the lack of a certain brunette detective in his bed. It had been extremely difficult for him to put down that ultimatum, suspending their hotel rendezvous. Kate was an addiction to him, one he constantly craved. And now, after more than a month without being with her in that more intimate of ways—even if the summer had all been meaningless sex, it had still been sex with _her_ —Castle was starving for some Kate Beckett. He wanted to hold her in his arms, kiss her, and make love to her. That's all he wanted.

Putting the phone back on his nightstand, he looked at the digital alarm clock. It wasn't too early to start making plans. He'd need to make some calls first, though… make some arrangements. And he needed to do that now. Shifting his legs over the edge of bed, he stood up, and smirked, heading for the ensuite bathroom. Oh yes, if everything went according to plan, he'd have Kate Beckett thoroughly sated and mewling softly in content in his bed by the end of the day.


	13. Chapter 13

A knock came from the door, and Kate glanced around her shoulder to find Alexander standing in her doorway, watching with his blue eyes as she applied the last of her make-up. She raised an eyebrow and then turned back to the vanity to continue.

"Yes?"

"Are you going on a date?" Alex asked, sounding worried.

"Um… yeah, I guess you could say that," she answered, flicking her gaze to the image of her son in the mirror. His lips pursed together on a little sulk and he leaned back against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest. She sighed, and shook her head, spinning around on the small stool to face him. Placing her hands in her lap, she looked him in the eyes. "What's the matter, Alex?"

"I… um…," he fumbled, averting his eyes embarrassingly. "I… just thought… well, I saw you and Dad sucking face that one night and I thought that you guys were finally getting back together. But now you're going on a date…"

"Oh no, Alex, no honey," Kate almost laughed, pushing up from her seat to wrap him up in a comforting hug. "I'm not really going out on a date. Not like that. No."

Alex nuzzled into her, his small arms wrapped desperately around her. "I… I don't understand. If you're not going on a date, why are you wearing a dress and putting on makeup?"

"Cas—Your dad and I are going out to dinner," she answered, smiling softly at the thought. She ran her fingers through her son's unruly brown hair, so similar to his father's. She dropped a kiss on the top of his head and then moved back to the vanity to finish up applying some lipstick.

"Really?" Alex asked, and Kate smiled, unable not to notice the hint of excitement in his voice.

"Yes," she nodded, flashing him a wink. "Your Dad's taking me out to a fancy restaurant, and then we might go dancing afterwards."

"Is that why you're all dressed up?" Alex asked, eyeing her dress.

Kate hummed in confirmation. "How do I look?"

Alex brushed back a flop of hair from his forehead and appraised her for a moment as she struck a pose for him. "You look great, Mom."

"Thank you, sweetie," Kate smiled, squeezing his shoulder as she moved away from the vanity to grab her purse. "I'm hoping to stun your dad speechless."

Alex laughed, shaking his head, his eyes crinkling with mirth. Kate was struck at how similar he looked to Castle at that moment. It was amazing. She'd never really noticed all the similarities over the years. Sure, Kate had been aware of how similar in appearance Alex was to his father. It's just more recently that she had begun to notice all the other things the boy shared with Castle.

"I don't know, Mom," Alex continued to chuckle as Kate moved past him to go down the hall. "It's hard to get Dad to shut up."

Kate laughed and smiled at her son. Oh, how right he was.

XXX

"Come on, Alexis, we're going to be late!" Castle shouted up the stairs and stood back, waiting for the teen. Usually it was the other way around, with her waiting on him. But tonight was important. Castle wanted to get everything right. Not that he felt pressured or anything, but it had been a while since he'd been on a date. And there was the matter of finding a way to break the news to Kate that _Cosmo_ wanted to write an article about them.

So lost in his thoughts, Castle didn't notice when Alexis came running down the stairs with her backpack slung over her shoulders. She gave him an odd look before shaking his arm to get his attention. He blinked his eyes and looked up at her.

"Yes?"

"I'm ready," she said with a knowing smile, her bright blue eyes taking in his sharp suit. "I see you're wearing a tie. You must be taking Kate to a really fancy restaurant."

"As a matter of fact, yes, I am," Castle said with a smirk.

Alexis cocked her head and narrowed her eyes at him. "Dad…," she started then stopped, as if she was debating whether or not to say something. The pros obviously outweighed the cons, because she opened her mouth and continued. "I know it's none of my business, but why are you two even going out on a date?"

"What?"

"It's not like you two need to date or anything," Alexis asserted with a shrug. "Look, I know things have been… kinda off between you and Kate for a while," she paused and sighed, giving him a pointed look. "It's been going on all summer. I know you think you were hiding it, but I'm not some little girl anymore. Something was obviously going on. So for you two to be going out on a date just seems to be coming out of the blue. At least to me."

Castle stepped back, momentarily stunned into silence by the knowledge that his teenage daughter knew that he and Kate had been struggling through some issues during the summer. "Okay, yes, we… had a disagreement, but it's over now. We're moving forward."

"What did you do?"

"Why do you think _I_ did something?"

"Really, Dad?" Alexis put a hand on a hip and gave him a pointed look.

"Alright," he sighed, slumping his shoulders a bit as he sat down on the couch. Alexis slipped down besides him and reached for his hand, imploring him with his eyes to confide in her. He looked at his daughter, and decided she was old enough to understand and, in her own way, help. "I sort of looked into Kate's mom's murder… without her permission."

"Dad," Alexis scolded.

"I know, I know," he defended. "Trust me, I'm aware of the mistake I made. I… I just wanted to help give her closure. All I did was make things worse. Things got a little stressed during the summer, but… that's behind us now. We've both made mistakes, and we've decided to just start over."

Alexis chuckled slightly. "I'm surprised she didn't shoot you. I'd thought she would, what with all those threats."

Castle laughed, fondly remembering all those little idle threats Kate made. "All in jest, I assure you," he said with a twinkle in his eyes. "Though, at times, I think she's more serious about cuffing me the desk."

"I'm sure you'd deserve it," Alexis replied with little smile.

"Maybe," he shrugged, patting her leg. "Now let's get going. I've got reservations at La Cirque."

"Ooh… you're taking her to La Cirque?" Alexis gave him a knowing look. "You must be trying to apologize for something."

"Huh?" Castle froze. He felt a slight pull in his gut. No. That couldn't be it. He had other reasons for taking Kate to La Cirque, and none of them had anything to do with what happened last spring. This was about making a new start, and finding out the best way to inform her about the article _Cosmo_ would be writing next week. Besides, he'd already apologized for looking into Johanna Beckett's case. At least, he thought he had. Besides, Kate wouldn't have taken him back if he hadn't.

"Dad?" Alexis questioned.

"I have," he asserted, a little too briskly. He was beginning to doubt himself.

"Have you?" she pushed.

Castle turned around and raked his fingers through his hair, really thinking about it. He recalled all their previous conversations over the summer, focusing on their most recent one at the coffee shop. "Um… damn it," he hissed out, realization hitting him. "I guess not. At least not properly. I mean, I've made it clear that I'm sorry, but no… I haven't actually said it in those words."

Alexis inclined her head, regarding him thoughtfully for a moment. She placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze of support. "Then you should," she declared sagely, wise beyond her years. "Girls like it when boys admit to making a mistake and apologize. It shows you care."

 _Oh, I think Kate knows I care_ , Castle thought. But he kept that to himself, knowing his daughter didn't want to hear about such things. "Are you really my daughter," he jested instead, smiling down at her.

Alexis shrugged, returning his teasing smirk. "Maybe there was a mix-up at the hospital."

"No, afraid not," he asserted, wrapping an arm around her to pull her in for a quick hug. "You're definitely a Castle."

"Drat… well, at least their good genes!" Alexis pushed up on her toes and kissed his cheek. "I love you, Dad."

"I love you, too, Pumpkin."

"Now, make this right and apologize to Kate, _properly_ ," his daughter ordered as she wiggled out of his embrace. She reached up and straightened his tie. "Since she's my brother's mom, I was kind of hoping you'd make it official some day, and make her _my_ mom as well."

XXX

"Are you sure about this, Dad?" Kate asked as she walked into the kitchen while she double-checked her purse, making sure she had everything she needed.

She and Castle were going on a date… a real date. This would be the first time that they actually went out, just the two of them, for a romantic dinner. No kids. No family. Just them. To tell the truth, she was a little nervous. It had been a while since she went out on an actual date. But this wasn't any ordinary date. This was something akin to what her parents used to do when she was a kid. It wasn't too hard to remember the times when her mom and dad had their date nights, mainly because Kate always got to have pizza for dinner and would then stay up late watching movies she shouldn't whilst her parents were out of the house.

For this particular date, she'd had to dig deep in her closet to find a nice dress to wear. It was modest, covering up most of the good bits, but left enough showing to be considered moderately sexy. The hemline ended around her knees, giving her the opportunity to show off a little bit of leg without crossing the line into inappropriate for a nice restaurant. It helped, too, that the dress clung to her body in all the right places, showing off all her best assets. Kate was looking forward to seeing Castle's reaction when he first saw her. His jaw had nearly hit the floor when they'd gone undercover at that fundraising gala.

She took in a shaky breath, trying to suppress her nerves, feeling silly for being this anxious about a date with a man who'd already seen her naked. It made no sense. There was nothing to worry about. There were no unknowns. They had great chemistry. She enjoyed being in his company. He was intelligent, witty, funny, and not too bad on the eyes. In short, she loved him and there was no pressure at all. So she shouldn't be nervous… but she was.

"Relax, Katie," Jim smirked knowingly as he watched her from the other side of the kitchen counter. "I've got this. It's not the first time I've looked after Alex while you went out for the night. Granted, most of those times had something to do with a case and nothing at all related to a man… but that's besides the point."

Kate rolled her eyes and gave her dad a pointed look. "Wow, thanks, Dad… you make my life sound so exciting," she said, sardonically.

"No," Jim assured her with a twinkle in his eye as he opened a cabinet drawer to dig out the takeout menus. "Not at all." He paused, scratching his jaw as he knitted his eyebrows together. "I'm just… happy that you and Rick have patched things up."

She dropped her head, averting her eyes as she let a small smile creep across her lips. "I wouldn't go that far," she asserted. "We're better, yes… but we still have a long road ahead."

"Just as long as you're going in the right direction, then I'm happy," Jim declared with a warm fatherly smile.

Kate looked up and nodded. "Then yes, we're headed in the right direction and… I am happy," a brilliant smile blossomed across her face as she looked back up at her father. "I really am happy. Castle… well, he's amazing. There were some really low points during the summer in which he could have just cut and run, but… he stayed. I truly am lucky to have him in my life."

"I felt the same way about your mother," Jim said, a faraway look crossing his eyes. He blinked and shook his head, returning his focus on her. "Just take it easy. And go with the flow. Let things just develop… naturally."

She gave him a half-grin as she cocked her head to the side. "Easier said than done," she mumbled under her breath.

"That doesn't matter," Jim shook his head dismissively. "He's good for you. And you're good for him. That's all that is important."

"And what about love?"

"That's the most important of all," he replied with a grin. "If you didn't love him as much as you do, I wouldn't have continued encouraging you to seek him out throughout the years."

Kate raised her eyebrows, a little amused smirk work it's way across her lips. "You're more devious than I give you credit for, Dad."

Jim furrowed his brow and looked at her questioningly for a moment. "I'll… um… take that as a compliment."

"Please do."

They smiled at one another, relishing the father-daughter bond that almost seemed to grow stronger as the years went by. Kate was amazed at how much her father had changed since those dark days after her mother's death. He'd recovered more than she had, or he was better at hiding it. Either way, she was grateful for his continued support and patience with her and her crazy love life. There weren't many fathers who'd willingly encourage their daughters into the arms of a man.

But her dad was right. Castle was good for her. And she _did_ love him. She was glad now that she'd made amends with him in that coffee shop a couple of days earlier. The summer had been a long struggle, filled with internal emotional battles, as well as external ones. But deep down, even during the darkest days of their 'arrangement' Kate's feelings for Rick Castle had never waned or ceased. She may have been angry and disappointed in him, but she still loved him. In truth, she'd been in love with him from probably that very first moment when their eyes had meet across the bar all those years ago.

"I'm in this, Dad," she blurted out suddenly.

Jim looked up from the menus he'd been perusing and raised his eyebrows. "I know, sweetie," he smiled, his eyes filling with fatherly love. "I've known since the moment you came to me that one day and told me I had to get sober because I was going to be a grandfather."

Kate bit her lower lip and averted her eyes. "If I recall, I sort of screamed that at you."

Jim chuckled. "That you did," he confirmed. "But, hey… I needed that. And even though I wished things between you and Rick could have been different back then, I am happy with becoming— _with being_ —a grandfather. Alex is a great kid. And now that I've gotten to know Rick a little better, I can quite honestly say that the boy certainly takes after his father."

"That he does," Kate concurred with a beaming smile. She leaned across the kitchen island counter and squeezed her father's hand. "You're a wonderful grandfather, Dad," she said. "I'm proud of you."

Jim reciprocated the squeeze, eyes watering slightly. "I… I think I got something in my eye," he asserted, back up to rub his eyes with the heel of his hand. Kate let him preserve his masculinity, and simply patted his shoulder. Glancing back up at her, Jim took her hands in his and looked her in the eye. "I'm so proud of you, Katiebug. And I know you're mother would be, as well. You've done a great job with Alex, and now you're taking a step towards happiness with a man you truly love, who loves you back."

Kate swallowed past a sudden lump in her throat. "You think so?" she questioned, voice trembling. "You really think Mom would be proud."

"I know so," Jim asserted squeezing her hands.

Just then, the doorbell buzzed.

"I'll get it!" hollered Alex, darting down the hall, a skip to his step. Besides being excited that his parents were going on a date, Alex had been thrilled that he'd get to hang out with his big sister tonight.

Kate blinked her eyes and carefully rubbed the wetness away, mindful of her makeup. Jim watched her with a slightly amused expression. She looked at him in question. He gave her a thumbs up, assuring her that she hadn't ruined her makeup.

"You look beautiful, Katiebug," he said.

"Thanks, Dad," Kate heaved in a deep breath and pursed her lips, spinning around to face their visitors.

Alex came bouncing back down the hall, Alexis and Castle behind him. The teen would be spending the night at the Becketts, and Martha was on a so-called 'actor's retreat', so Kate and Castle would have the loft all to themselves after their date. She knew what was probably on Castle's mind, but Kate wasn't sure they were ready to resume their intimate activities, no matter how badly she might want to. They'd just spent the majority of the summer having meaningless physical rendezvouses, and Kate felt that before they resumed that part of their relationship they needed to put to bed some issues that weren't exactly resolved yet.

Stifling down the emotions that had begun to overwhelm her, Kate reached forward, giving Alexis a quick hug, momentarily ignoring the way Castle's jaw dropped at the sight of her. She smiled secretly, pleased that her work had paid off.

"I love the dress, Kate," Alexis said as they backed out of their embrace.

"Thank you, Alexis," she replied, smiling. "I thought your dad would like it."

"And that I do," Castle asserted, still with an awestruck look on his face. She couldn't help but notice the way his eyes kept sweeping down and looking her over. "Though 'like' is an understatement."

Kate cocked her head and glanced down at Alex, giving her son a conspiratorial wink. Alex winked back, surreptitiously giving her two thumbs up.

"Okay!" Jim interrupted, stepping forward and smiling widely. He glanced at Kate and Rick. "I think it's time you two get going. Meanwhile," he turned to Alex and Alexis. "Why don't we order some Chinese."

"YES!" Alex did a fist pump and a little celebration dance, making the adults laugh. He then grabbed Alexis's hand and tugged away. "Come on, Lex, Mom let me hook the Xbox up to the TV in the living room."

"Cool," Alexis laughed and waved goodbye to her dad, before turning her attention back to her little brother. "Prepare to get your butt kicked at Guitar Hero."

The three adults stood there in silence for a moment, watching as the kids got started in the living room. It was nice seeing the two siblings get along, despite the age gap and the short time in which they'd known each other. Kate felt some guilt and regret over that, knowing how much closer brother and sister would probably be if they'd actually been able to grow up together.

But that was in the past, and not worth dwelling on.

Kate grabbed her purse off the kitchen counter and turned to Castle, finally taking the time to admire how sharply dressed he was. He'd even put on a tie. She felt a low tingle in her belly, and smiled, unashamedly checking him out. He looked good. Maybe she was too hasty in her initial decision to hold off on certain enjoyable activities. Maybe… just maybe, she'd let the night take her where it will.

"Shall we get going?" she asked Castle, flickering her eyes up to his.

Castle blinked and shook his head, obviously still a little distracted by the way her black dress clung to her figure. "Yeah," he mumbled, as she hooked her arm through his. Kate grinned at him, pleased that she'd rendered him into such a state. She liked the boost it gave her self-esteem, knowing that despite seeing her naked, he'd still get tongue-tied when she wore a sexy dress.

"Have fun!" Jim hollered after them.

"We will," Kate gave her dad a little wave before leading Castle out of the apartment.


	14. Chapter 14

The low hum of people talking filled the room, but it wasn't oppressive or irritating. It was comfortable. Kate followed the pretty hostess as the woman led them through the tables to a nice secluded spot in the back, away from prying eyes and ears. The hostess placed the menus on the table before leaving them alone. Kate held her clutch close as Castle moved around her and reached for the back of her chair, pulling it out for her.

"It feels like butterflies have invaded my stomach," Kate blurted as she sat down, blushing slightly in embarrassment at what she'd just admitted out loud. She bit her lower lip and averted her eyes sheepishly as he sat down across from her. But then she felt his warm hand over hers, his fingers slowly lacing with hers. He gave her hand a soft squeeze, drawing her eyes back to his.

"I feel the same way," he confessed.

"Really?" she asked, a smile of relief and gratitude breaking out across her face.

"Really," he grinned back at her, giving her hand another reassuring squeeze.

Their eyes locked and Kate was simply mesmerized by the cobalt blue that stared back at her. It took almost all her inner strength to pull her gaze away and towards the menu. Castle released her hand and began perusing the items on the menu. She watched him for a moment, enjoying the cute little furrow between his eyebrows as he thought over what to order, before she turned her eyes down to skim the menu herself.

Kate tried to avoid looking at the prices, but she couldn't help it. She had to stifle down the slight panic that came upon seeing such expensive prices. It wasn't like this was the first fancy restaurant she'd ever been to. They'd gone to some before, back when she was Jane and he was Alexander, but none had been this pricy. She risked a glance up at Castle. He'd flipped the page on his menu, unaware of her sudden moment of panic.

Looking back down, she decided that it was time she learned to accept the benefits of having a rich boyfriend. Castle was unashamed of his wealth, having struggled through the early years of rejection letters until he hit it big with Black Pawn. And Kate didn't begrudge him for that pride, because he'd earned it all while still managing to retain the core essence that made him Richard Alexander Rodgers, the man she'd fallen in love with so long ago, lost, and then found again.

Castle caught her staring. He raised his eyebrows. "Found something you like?" he asked.

Kate licked her lips, letting her eyes milk in the delicious sight before her. "Yep," she responded with a coy smile.

His mouth dropped open as he correctly interpreted her response. She seemed to have stunned him speechless and he pursed his lips together, swallowing hard as he looked back at her. Kate's eyes followed the bob of his throat as he swallowed and she arched her lips up in a devious little grin that she knew would drive him crazy.

"The glazed chicken in pomegranate sauce looks appetizing," she said, flicking her eyes back up to lock with his.

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled absently. "That's a good choice."

She hummed in response, finally realizing how much of an effect she had over him. It was kind of intimidating having all that power over another person. But it went both ways. He had just as much power of her. They were the same that way. It was a little frightening, but exhilarating at the same time.

"What do you think you'll get?" she asked, keeping her voice light and conversational.

"Hmm?" Castle blinked, snapping out of his trance. His eyes dropped back down to the menu. "I was thinking of the fettuccine in pumpkin sauce with crab, but now I'm thinking of that glazed chicken."

"That good, huh?" Kate clucked her tongue teasingly.

Castle bobbed his head. It was a little goofy, but the moonstruck look in his eyes more than compensated for the silliness of it all. Again, Kate wondered how it was she could have been so stupid over the summer, thinking that only a physical relationship with him would sustain her. With Castle it was beyond the physical—even if the physical was pretty damn good. Her Dad was right. Castle was good for her, and he loved her. And that was the most important thing of all.

After a moment, it looked as if Castle was ready to respond, but before he could even open his mouth, they were interrupted by the untimely arrival of the waiter. Kate felt a little sorry for the young man, since Castle almost immediately shot him an irritated glare. He pursed his lips and furrowed his brow. Kate couldn't help but recognize the suppressed look of annoyance on his face. So, she took the initiative and placed their orders, listening patiently and politely as the young man informed her of the restaurant's wine selections. After mulling it over for a second, Kate picked a nice red merlot, and before the waiter left, she added two house salads to their order.

"Really… the house salad?" Castle stared at her in feigned irritation.

Kate smirked and arched an eyebrow. "Someone needs to make sure you eat some greens."

"Touché," he grinned in reply, reaching across the table to hold her hand again. This time, it was Kate that intertwined their fingers, slowly caressing his knuckles with the pad of her thumb. "You're so beautiful tonight," he blurted out, then raised his eyebrows. "Not that you're not beautiful all the time… but… I… er… that sort of got away from me there."

"Don't worry, Castle," she assured him, deciding to let him off the hook and not tease him about his rambling incoherence, because the truth was she felt the same inside. She just did a better job of hiding it away. She squeezed his hand. "I know what you meant. And thank you." Her eyes dropped down to his lips for a split second before returning to his eyes. "You're not look too bad yourself."

They then settled into some easy conversation, mainly talking about the kids and how things were going with them, pausing momentarily when the wine arrived. After the dark red liquid had been poured, Castle held up his glass and Kate did the same.

"To us," he offered.

"To us," Kate concurred with a warm smile and clinked her glass against his before taking a sip. "Hmm." She hummed in approval.

"I'm glad we're doing this," Castle hedged cautiously, placing his glass down. "Though, I must confess, it's been a while since I've been on a date… _date_."

"Same here," Kate said.

"I… I just… I'm so glad we made it through the summer."

"Me too."

"And… I… I wanted to say something, if you'd permit me?" he asked.

She inclined her head, granting him permission to continue on down this path. "Of course," Kate said, giving him a questioning look. She hadn't been expecting such a shift in conversation material, but she welcomed it just the same, because it was something they needed to talk about before too much time passed. "You don't have to ask my permission, Castle."

He bobbed his head, his fingers fiddling with the origami-like folded napkin in front of him. "It's about last May… about me digging into your mother's case," he hedged, cautiously glancing up at her.

Kate picked up her glass and took another quick sip, before inclining her head, a little wary. She didn't want the romantic atmosphere that had been surrounding them since the start of the evening to be ruined, but it was clear that Castle really needed to get whatever it was off his chest. So she tipped her head slightly. "Go on."

Castle rolled his shoulders and closed his eyes briefly. He heaved in a deep breath and straightened his back. It was like he was preparing himself for delivering news that he was unsure of the repercussions that would result. Kate could feel her back muscles tense. A flicker of panic raced through her mind before she quelled it down, using her reasoning and logic to remind herself that he loved her and she loved him. Despite that assurance, she swallowed heavily; a little fearful of what he might say.

He finally screwed up his courage, and looked her in the eye. "I'm sorry," he declared in a quick breath. Kate's eyes grew wide and she watched as he seemed to deflate with relief at finally having said it out loud. "What… what I did was wrong. I violated your trust, I opened old wounds, and I did not respect your wishes. And if we're really going to try to rebuild this, then you deserved to know… I'm very, very sorry."

By the time Castle was done speaking a weight seemed to have lifted off Kate's shoulders. She stared back at him in surprise, stunned by his sudden apology. From the beginning, this was all she'd ever wanted from him. And to be honest, Kate had given up hope of ever hearing an actual verbal apology from Castle. This was truly a wonderful surprise.

"Kate?"

She released a breath she didn't know she was holding in, and a beaming smile broke out across her face. She set her glass down and reached across the table to grab his hands. "Thank you," she said. "I… You don't know how long I've been waiting for you to say that. It means a lot."

"I really mean it, Kate," Castle squeezed her hands, gazing at her with a contrite and apologetic expression. She knew him well enough to know that he was sincere. "I never meant to hurt you or break your trust. I… I just wanted to help."

She sighed and rubbed her thumbs across his knuckles. "I know," she said. "I know. Just… next time, when you feel the need, ask me first, and don't go behind my back. If we're to do this, we have to do it together."

"Agreed," he grinned softly, his face washing over with relief. "So… I'm forgiven?"

Kate chuckled and leaned back, their hands slipping apart. She reached for her wine glass and took a delicate sip. "Yes, forgiven. Let's put it in the past," she confirmed. She then knitted her eyebrows together as she took another sip of her wine, to help loosen her tongue. Now was not the time to hold back. He'd just apologize, so now it was her turn. "And I need _your_ forgiveness."

"For what?"

"For this summer," she said. "We both messed up. You with digging into my mother's case, and me with imposing that stupid… _arrangement_. And that's not even mentioning some of those things I said to you. God, Castle… I never wanted to hurt you either. You mean so much to me, Rick. More than I even care to admit. It's kind of a little frightening."

She paused and sucked in another breath, stifling the tears she could feel brimming behind her eyes. "I really don't know how to explain this, but… I know now that I fell in love with you during those two months we were together. And… despite all that's happened, the time and space, I've still been in love with you for the past nine years. I might have deluded myself into believing falsehoods during some of it, but trust me when I say that you've always been in my heart."

Castle slowly blinked, his own eyes having grown misty as well. "Kate, that… that was so beautiful," he said, voice thick with emotion. "You have a way with words."

She ducked her head down and smiled shyly. "I must have picked it up from someone."

"Must have," Castle agreed, his eyes warm and loving. He reached over to tuck some of her hair that had fallen over her face behind her ear. Dropping his hands back to the table, he found hers, and pulled them up, planting soft kisses along the backs of her hands, one at a time. "I love you, Kate. So much. When I went to that club all those years ago, it was never my intention to fall in love. But I did." He paused for a beat to take a quick breath. "I… I wish so many things had been different. But there's no point in dwelling on a past that cannot be changed. What's important is _this_ , here and now… you, and me… together at last."

"Yes," Kate agreed, beaming at him, feeling happier than she could remember feeling in a long time.

Castle stood up slightly, which allowed him to extend himself over the table to kiss her. Kate sighed into his mouth, wishing that they weren't in such a public place so that she could deepen the kiss. As it were, they had to keep the kiss somewhat chaste, but it was satisfying and fulfilling nonetheless. Pulling back, Castle sat back down and clutched her hands tightly, simply gazing at her with a moonstruck expression that made Kate's heart swell with untold joy. She smiled widely, letting the feeling fill her up and permeate every fiber of her being. It felt good to be loved, and not by a parent or child, but by a romantic partner, someone with whom she could connect most intimately and spiritually.

It wasn't too long after that the waiter arrived with their meals. With the weight of those burdens now lifted off their shoulders, Kate found that it was easy to fall into the quick and light banter they'd so enjoyed back when they were dating that first time around, when she was Jane and he was Alexander. They flirted and teased, and had a great time together, simply enjoying one another's company.

"Should we get dessert?" Castle asked after the waiter had cleared their plates from the table.

Kate knitted her eyebrows together in thought, but then shook her head in the negative. "No. I'm fine. But if you want something, don't let me stop you," she grinned, eyes sparkling as she looked across the table at him.

"You're sure?" Castle hedged, looking uncertain of her offer, as if she were testing him. He stared at her intently, trying to get a read on her. It wasn't too long until she noticed concentration lines beginning to crease his brow.

Kate rolled her eyes. "Yes," she laughed lightly. "I'm sure. I don't mind, honest. If you want to get something, then please do."

"Okay, if you say so," he relented, "but I think I'll get it to go. We can enjoy it back at the loft."

"Oh, that confident are you?" she teased.

"Yes, yes I am," he answered, almost smugly, with that trademark Castle smirk plastered all over his face. He signaled for the waiter, and ordered a slice of decadent chocolate cake… and the check.

While Castle was busy paying the bill, Kate took the opportunity to check her phone, looking for any text messages. There were two. The first was from Lanie asking how it was going, and demanding juicy details at a later date. The second was from her father, telling her to trust her heart and take a leap of faith. She smiled and sent quick affirmative text back to her father, letting him know that she'd taken his advise from earlier and was happy. He replied almost immediately, teasingly admonishing her not to stay out too late. She giggled, and tucked her phone back into her clutch.

"What's so funny?" Castle asked.

"Just a text from my dad," she told him with a wave of her hand. "He told me not to stay out too late."

Castle grinned and let out a low chuckle. "Shall I be taking you home now, Miss Beckett?" he teased, winking at her.

"You better not," Kate quipped back with a playful smile.

Castle stood up, and Kate took a moment to simply drink in the image of him in a suit and tie. She'd never tell him, as his ego was big enough already, but he was right when he'd declared himself to be ruggedly handsome. And damn… did he look good in a suit. Oblivious to her none too covert ogling of his form, Castle stepped up beside her and offered her his hand.

"Shall we?" he asked in a smooth rich voice that dripped with suggestive undertones.

Kate looked up at him and smiled widely, accepting his proffered hand with pleasure. She wrapped her arm with his and slightly leaned into his side, a little lightheaded from all the feelings coursing through her veins—or was it the wine? Either way, she was feeling freer than she'd felt in a long time. Castle snatched up the take-out container that held the slice of chocolate cake, and then proceeded to guide her around the tables and towards the exit. Kate bit her lower lip as she felt the butterflies once again invade her stomach. She didn't know where the evening would take them, but she was eager to find out.


	15. Chapter 15

"Wine?" he asked, tossing a glance back at her over his shoulder as they stepped into the loft, blessedly empty and quiet. With Alexis staying with Jim and Alex at the Beckett apartment, and his mother off on some weekend acting retreat, they have the place all to themselves.

It was almost like he'd planned it, Castle thought with a sly smile, briefly recalling the promises he had to make to Martha to get her out of the house for the weekend. His AMEX card was going to take a serious beating when she got back, but it was worth it when he and Kate wouldn't have to worry about getting interrupted.

He reached for the light switch and flicked the lights on in the foyer, illuminating the both of them in a soft warm light. He couldn't help but get lost for a second or two in her dazzling beauty. It was impossible not too, really. She had been letting her hair grow out since he first started shadowing her at the precinct. It was fuller, and when not styled for a night out, a little awkward looking, like she was trying to find the right balance between length and bounce. But at the moment, it simply looked amazing, framing her face in a rich cascade of auburn brown.

Kate smiled at him and gave a slight bob of her head, stepping across the threshold and closing the door behind her. She bit her lower lip as she turned the lock, silently communicating to him that she planned on staying the night. She hesitantly glanced around with searching eyes, wary.

"Martha?"

"Acting retreat," Castle replied, offering to assist with her coat. Kate turned for him, and he took great pleasure in running his hands down her shoulders and arms as he helped her out of her coat. Kate batted her eyelashes at him, all innocently, like she didn't know what he's doing, but she did. She totally did.

He took a moment to appreciate the way her black dressed hugged her curves, before stepping back to deposit their coats in the closet by the front door. When he returned, Kate was quickly closing her clutch, looking up at him with a slightly guilty expression. He paused, and raised his eyebrows in question.

"Just shutting off my phone," she explained.

Castle's eyebrows knitted together in confusion, wondering why she'd look so guilty for doing something so innocent as that. She must have sent a quick text to Lanie or her Dad. He narrowed his eyes, trying to read her expression, noticing the slight hint of a blush forming on her cheeks. Nope. Not her father. Definitely not. No. Castle pursed his lips into a little smirk. She'd sent some text to Lanie. And if that blush was any indication, said text had to do with him and her spending the night together in an empty loft.

His pleased smirk grew wider, almost turning smug. It was nice to know that they were on the same page. Though, it wasn't like they hadn't had sex recently. But what Castle had in mind for tonight was anything but sex. Because they'd tried just having sex over the summer and that… it just didn't do it for him. He wanted to make love Kate Beckett again.

"So… wine?" Castle hooked his thumb over his shoulder, already having a bottle of red in mind. As a writer, he was an observer of the human condition… on one particular human, to be precise. And he'd taken note of how a certain vintage got her all…

"You know what?" Kate intercepted him, stopping him with a gentle touch to his arm. "Why don't we skip it?"

And then her lips were on his. Castle stumbled backward, momentarily caught off guard by her surprising move. He had not expected it from her. It took him but a millisecond to respond. His hands dropped to her waist, bracketing her hips, holding her snug and close as he kissed her back, nipping at her bottom lip and flicking his tongue out across the seam of her lips. Kate moaned, pushing into him as the kiss deepened. Their tongues dueled for dominance, and on a sigh, he surrendered to her unrelenting command.

It was a frenzied kiss, full of need and want. The summer had been devoid of such passion. They were melding together in the middle of the loft, locked by the mouth. Never once had Castle experience such an all-consuming kiss. He poured his heart and soul into it, and he could feel Kate do the same. Her fingers stroked his face as she shifted the angle, pulling him deeper under the surface. He was lost in her and he didn't care. He'd happily drown in her love.

Eventually—inevitably—they had to break away for oxygen. Castle felt dizzy and he clutched on tighter to Kate as he rested his forehead against hers. She laughed airily and closed her eyes as she heaved in deep breaths. Her hands rested against his chest as they simply basked in the moment. Castle let out an abrupt chuckle, causing her to pull back slightly and furrow her brow in confusion.

"I… I had this whole plan laid out," he grinned, shaking his head in disbelief.

Kate's lips quirked up in amusement as her eyes danced across his face, milking in his joyous countenance. She cocked her head to the side, moving her hands up to loop her arms around his neck. "Were you going to seduce me, Mr. Castle?" she asked, playfully flicking her tongue between her teeth.

"Well…," he tilted his head, and smirked. "Perhaps… maybe just a little."

Kate laughed, her face lighting up with her joy. Castle brought one hand up and cupped the back of her neck, holding her steady as he came back down for another kiss. Kate met him halfway, closing her eyes and humming into his mouth approvingly. Her fingers clutched at his lapels, and she pushed up on her toes and deepened the kiss.

He growled and shifted his hands around her waist, hoisting her up off her feet. Her heels clattered to the floor, forgotten by both, as Castle carried her towards the couch. He was so lost in sucking on her neck that his grip on her slipped. Thankfully, the soft plush cushions of the sofa broke her fall. Kate let out a little giggle, and she wiggled around as Castle climbed up on over her, chucking his dinner jacket, and pinning her down underneath him.

Kate squirmed, arching her body up to meet his. "Oh God!" she groaned out, unashamedly loud, when she felt his arousal press against her pelvis.

He chuckled, cupping her jaw and peppering light butterfly kisses along her cheek. "I can't believe you still don't understand the effect you have on me."

Castle smoothed his thumb across her cheek, and silenced any comeback she might have had with a searing kiss. He pressed his hips into hers, enjoying the way her body bucked up to meet his as he prolonged the contact. His sprawled his other hand across her side, tickling her ribs and teasing the underside of her left breast. Kate groaned into his mouth, and nipped at his lips, carding his hair with desperate fingers as she sought to keep him close.

Reluctantly parting his lips from hers, Castle kissed his way down her neck and across the exposed portion of her chest, grazing his teeth across her collarbone. Kate Beckett had the sexiest collarbones he'd ever seen. He caressed her curves, easing his hands down her sides as he moved down her body. He rested his head against her chest, and took a moment to simply listen to the beat of her heart. Kate cradled his face in her palms, her eyes open and wide. He tilted his head and pressed a series of kisses along the swell of her breasts, before resuming his descent down her lithe sensual form.

He was mesmerized by her bare legs, and used the opportunity to run his hands up and down the silky soft skin. Castle eased back down on the couch, positioning himself between her legs. He caressed her thighs as he slowly begun to pull the hem of her dress up, bunching it around her waist and revealing skimpy lace panties. Castle let his hand linger, thumbs rubbing and teasing her lower abdomen, just above the fringe of her panties.

"Pink, huh?" he chuckled, glancing up at her with an amused grin.

"I happen to like pink," Kate declared defensively, though the quirk of her lips belied any hostility in her voice.

Grinning mischievously, Castle curled his fingers under the lacy fabric, and locked eyes with Kate. She bit her lower lip and raised her hips, allowing him to tug them down her long legs. Of course, he had to be the one in control, so he did it torturously slow. She growled and squirmed, trying to get him to move faster, but Castle wasn't having any of it. He wanted to savor the moment of the reveal, and bask in the anticipation of finally gazing upon her once again under loving and tender circumstances.

Castle finally conceded to her wishes, and yanked her panties off. Kate let out a gasp at the sudden rush of cool air making contact with her warmed flesh. Castle leaned back, carelessly tossing her panties over his shoulder, and soaked up the image before him. She was glorious to behold. He'd never get tired of seeing Kate like this.

She let out a demure pout. "Castle," she all but begged.

He gazed down at her and winked, waggling his eyebrows as he leaned back down, blowing a hot breath out across her warmed flesh. Kate hissed in pleasure, arching her hips up to him. Castle obliged, opening his mouth and latching onto her. She moaned, and he had to hold her hips down to keep her in place as he teased her with his tongue. Her thighs squeezed his head, and he had to gently pry them apart, least she suffocate him. Though he could think of worse ways to go.

Kate was writhing underneath his ministrations in no time, and he could sense her rapidly approaching the threshold. He gripped her hips, holding them firm, yet not too hard. Castle couldn't get enough of the way her body responded to him, the way her hips swayed, bucked, and undulated under him. It was hypnotic. He rubbed tiny patterns into her lower abdomen with the pads of his thumbs as he continued working her towards the edge. It didn't take long. Just one final flick of his tongue and Kate was screaming his name as she came undone. He licked her one more time before climbing up her body and plundered her mouth in a soaring kiss.

"God, Castle, you're amazing," she panted, her cheeks were flushed a rosy color, a result of her release. "Do you remember that time we woke my roomies during midterms?"

For a moment, he was stunned that she was openly talking about something from their past, from when she was Jane and he was Alexander. "How could I forget?" he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, skimming his hands down her sides and nuzzling his nose into her neck, taking the opportunity to suck briefly on her pulse point. "You'd told me that that was the first time any man had gone down on you."

"Well… that's not entirely accurate," she bit her lip and gave him an apologetic look. Castle furrowed his brow in confusion. "To be honest, it was just the first time it was done…" she paused, searching for an appropriate word, " _properly_."

"Oh," he said, lowering his eyes, feeling oddly disappointed. He'd known, even back then, that he hadn't been Kate's first sexual partner. But Castle had always liked the idea that he'd been the first to introduce Kate to the pleasures of cunnilingus.

"Hey," she curled her fingers around his jaw, tilting his head up to look at her. His eyes flirted to her lips and then found purchase with her gorgeous eyes, still slightly glazed with memories and orgasmic bliss. Kate pressed a quick reassuring kiss to his lips, and then caressed the side of his face in a loving and tender manner that also was equal parts desire and lust. "You're the best I've ever had, Castle. It's not even worth my time trying to compare you to any others from my past. They pale in comparison."

He grinned, his face awash with relief. Castle knew it was silly, for a man with the reputation of being a playboy he was so very insecure at times. It was probably a symptom of repetitive abandonment. He'd had no father to speak of. His first love left for London. His first wife cheated on him. And then Jane had left without a word. But she had come back. By the miracles of fate and destiny, they'd been reunited, and he definitely wasn't going to give that up.

"If all my previous lovers were stars in the sky, then you're the sun," he declared, trying for poetic, but unsure if he'd hit the mark just right.

Kate quirk up an eyebrow and stared back at him with an amused expression. "You do realize that the sun is just another star, right?"

"Yeah," he drawled out nervously, worried he'd messed up with is metaphor. "But it's the brightest!"

She chuckled and tugged him closer, breathing the same air as him as she kissed his chin and jaw playfully. "Don't worry, I was just teasing you. I knew what you meant," she murmured into his lips, reassuring him with soft kisses.

Castle chuckled. "Yeah, not my best seduction."

"Oh, Castle," she laughed lightly, batting her eyelashes at him as she gazed up at him with a slightly amused expression. "You don't have to seduce me. You never did. You already have me. I'm yours."

"And I'm yours," he asserted, slipping his hand between her legs to cup her still thrumming heat. She hissed out in pleasure and her hips jerked up into his hand. He dipped his head down and captured her mouth in a fierce kiss, plundering and possessive.

"Rick," Kate gasped, pulling back and carding her fingers through his hair. "Enough talk, don't you think? How about we move this to the bedroom and I can return the favor." Kate winked suggestively at him, her eyes flirting down to his crotch and the not so subtle bulge in his pants. Not even bothering to tug her rucked up skirt back down over her hips, Kate placed a hand on his shoulder and pushed herself up off the sofa. She flashed him a sultry smile. "We've got the whole place to ourselves, and I know you can make me scream, _Rick_." She had added an extra click of her tongue when she'd said his first name.

"Is that a challenge?"

"Take it as you will," she offered casually as she began walking away, adding an extra sway to her hips. She paused at the doorway to his office and glanced over her shoulder at him. "You coming, Castle?"

He needed no further encouragement. Castle practically bounced up off the sofa and followed her as she led him back towards the bedroom.

XXX

They were lying askew on the tousled sheets of his large California king size bed, slick, nude, and thoroughly sated. Kate rolled over and curled into his side, pressing her sensuous curves against him in a teasing manner. She grinned dreamily and arched her neck up to kiss him, sweeping her hand up and down his chest as she snuggled closer. She was happy. Truly happy. And it wasn't just the great sex that had her feeling so euphoric, though that had helped; it was the revelation that her dreams of being in love with an amazing man and being loved in return by that amazing man weren't a fantasy.

Her hopes and dreams were real.

Castle rubbed his hand up and down her bare back, his fingers tickling her spine. She was completely satisfied—in everyway—but just that continuous light brush of his fingertips still sent a jolt of arousal to the pit of her stomach. He tilted his head, burying his nose into her sex-mussed hair. She could hear him breathe in her scent and she bit her lower lip, nuzzling further into his chest.

"I almost forget how great we are together," she confessed, glancing up at him with a contrite expression. "Over the summer, everything just became so routine, almost bland. And I know it's because of me, how I wouldn't let it be anything other than sex. But… damn, Castle! I can't believe I almost forgot what it felt like to make love with you! To love you. To _be_ loved by you. It… it's amazing."

He chuckled, brushing back some of her hair from her face so he could see her beautiful smile. "It _is_ better than just sex, isn't it?"

" _Better_?" she scoffed slightly, shaking her head in disbelief. "That's an understatement! I… I don't know if there is even a word for how amazing we are together, like this." She gestured between them and their nude bodies, still slick and wet from their previous activities. "We… we just click, like we were made for one another. And making love to you, Castle… not saying it's always easy, knowing what to do, where to touch, when to kiss, what to say... but it's not work, you know? It's a pleasure. It's fun and exciting. There's no pressure on performance or technique, we just… well, we just _do_ it. I… I'm not really doing a good job explaining it. Words are your thing." She laughed at her inability to properly find a way to describe what she was feeling. "It's just… God, Castle, when we connect… we… we're just perfect together."

"The best," he crooned, grinning broadly, gazing down at her with nothing but love in his eyes. It was somewhat startling, having that look reflected back at her after a summer of hurt and indifference.

"Yeah, the best," she concurred with a nod, stretching up to seal his lips with hers in a slow and lazy kiss, taking her time to just be in the moment. Curled up with him, here in bed, Kate almost felt like she was Jane again, basking in the blissful aura of new love that had the power to pull her out of a depressing spiral of self-destruction and darkness. "I can't believe I almost threw all that away because I was angry with you for doing what you did."

Kate played with her fingers against his chest, avoiding his gaze. She couldn't help but feel guilty about the summer. She'd been the one to impose that stupid 'friends-with-benefits' kind of arrangement. She'd been so angry with him, so very angry—and disappointed—but she couldn't give him up. She knew she'd need him. She knew she'd want him. It hadn't been the best idea in the world, but it had seemed the best thing to do at the time. At the very least, it had kept them from seeking out others for release, not that Kate would have done that, despite some words she'd said in the heat of an argument.

"Hey, it wasn't all your fault," he objected, turning slightly onto his side so he could look her in the eye. The closeness of their bodies didn't change with the shifting positions. They stayed pressed tightly together, lying off kilter, legs dangling off the left side of the mattress. "I opened up your mother's case and started digging into it, all after you specifically told me not to."

"I know," she asserted softly, almost timid, looking up into his kind eyes. "I know. But I should have known your intentions weren't malicious. I know you, Castle. The _real_ you. I've known you since I was 20. We might not have been together for that long and were separated for nine years, but I could still tell the moment we reunited at that launch party that—in your heart—you were still the same man I'd fallen in love with all those years ago."

Castle sighed, reaching up to caress the side of her face. She closed her eyes and eased into his touch, relishing the intimacy of the moment. How close she was to not having this at all wasn't lost on her. "How about this? We both made mistakes over the summer, okay. But we're past that now, and we're together. Let's... just put it behind us and work at building a future together. How does that sound?"

She couldn't stop the glorious smile that broke out across her face. He'd always been able to do that to her, even back when she hardly knew him, and he'd just been a handsome face at a club staring at her from across the bar. Their attraction, it was… magnetic.

"Sounds perfect," she declared happily, leaning forward to kiss him slowly. He hummed into her mouth and she could feel him begin to reawaken against her stomach. She grinned into his mouth and nipped at his lips, teasingly running her hand down his chest to grab him. "Seems you're ready for another round."

"What can I say? I'm bewitched, you've cast a spell on me," he murmured into her mouth, gently rolling her onto her back as he shifted above her, nudging her legs apart with his knee.

XXX

His hands were mapping her body, touching every square inch, in a slow, torturous path as he lathered the frothy soap into her skin. Kate purred in contentment, closing her eyes as she simply surrendered to the exhilarating sensations that flooded her body from his touch, even when it wasn't meant in a sexual manner. It was now mid-morning, and after spending the majority of the night alternating between making love and napping, it was almost time for them to leave the comfortable solitude of the Loft and rejoin the world.

They had family plans for the afternoon, having promised the kids a trip to the Central Park Zoo, with the potential of dinner and a movie afterwards. And then, when the kids went to bed, maybe they'd partake in some special after dinner delights. At least, that's what Kate was hoping. Now that she'd reinitiated her sexual relationship with Castle after a four-week hiatus, she found her appetite to be insatiable. She couldn't get enough of him. Kate would have to thank Lanie for convincing her to take a four-day weekend, because she'd need all of that—and maybe more—to even get close to being satisfied.

_No_ , she thought, sighing as his hands worked over her skin. _I'll never be satisfied. I'll always want more of him._

Castle's hand dipped below her abdomen and her muscles clenched in response to his knowing and tender touch. Her breath hitched up and she flicked her eyes up at him, always in awe of the intimacy they so easily shared. He'd been the first man with whom she'd truly enjoyed showering with. It had always been hard for her, to share a shower with a lover, because for her, the shower—and by extension the bath—had always been a place for her alone time, a place where she could recoup and reflect. Oddly, Castle's inclusion into this ritual of hers hardly seemed to upset the balance. If anything, she was feeling even more invigorated than she would alone.

He gently guided her under the hot spray of the water, and Kate closed her eyes, relishing the feel of his hands sliding up and down her body, helping to cleanse her skin and hair of the soapsuds. When he was done, she returned the favor, languidly lathering up the shampoo on his scalp and massage the soap into his skin. There was nothing overtly sexual about what they were doing, but Kate felt as if this—sharing a shower—was one of the most intimate and erotic parts of their relationship.

"Oh, I almost forgot," his voice startled her out of her thoughts, and she flirted her gaze up to his eyes as she continued lathering up the soap along his biceps. "Paula, my agent, called yesterday to say that _Cosmo_ wanted to do an article about me, well… _us_."

Kate hummed in acknowledgment of his statement and waited for him to continue, meanwhile moving her hands down to his stomach and working the soap into his abdomen.

"So, well… they'll be sending a reporter and photographer to the precinct soon to… um… observe us and ask some questions, take a few photos, and such. You know, nothing major, just… uh… a large spread in the magazine," he rushed out, clearly worried about her response, since he was trying to downplay the significance of what he was saying.

She continued working the soap into his skin, slowly moving down past his navel, oblivious to what he'd just said. Her gaze and hands, after all, were on something far more distracting than his voice. Kate was starting to contemplate the other benefits of sharing a shower with Castle when she froze, the entirety of what he'd just told her finally sinking in. Her brow furrowed and her nose wrinkled in dismay as she flicked her eyes back up to his.

"Wait… _what_?"


	16. Epilogue

"So, you're what… dating… engaged… already secretly married?"

Kate blinked, completely caught off guard by the question. She looked at the reporter, sitting in Castle's chair… yes, she thought of it as _his_ chair. If he knew that, he'd probably gloat like crazy, so she wasn't going to let him know. Letting out a short breath, she glanced over her shoulder and narrowed her eyes at him.

Castle was standing next to two scantily dressed women, masquerading as pseudo-uniform officers. The photographer from the magazine kept shouting out instructions, and the author would shift and pose, his arms casually draped around the bare waists of the models. Castle's smile was dazzling, blinding really, and she had to look away as the photographer began taking photos at a rapid pace… the bullpen filling with bright flashes of light.

Ryan and Esposito were standing off to the side, watching it all unfold, both wearing boyish smirks. They weren't the only ones. A group of a dozen or so of her colleagues, detective and uniforms alike, were milling about watching the spectacle. Captain Montgomery was in his office, supposedly working on some paperwork, but Kate had caught him glancing up once or twice to watch as well. It wasn't everyday that a photo shoot featuring two young models took place in the middle of the bullpen, the heart of the 12th precinct.

Unexpectedly, especially considering all that had happened over the recent summer, Kate was assaulted by all her doubts and insecurities as she watched the models press their fit young nubile bodies flush to _her_ man. It was silly, really. She knew he wouldn't do anything with them, but she couldn't help feeling a certain degree of… _possessiveness_ , since their reconciliation was still somewhat new.

"Detective Beckett?" the reporter questioned, holding up a tape recorder.

Kate turned back and frowned, glaring at the device. She hadn't been aware their conversation was being recorded. "Um… yes, sorry. What was your question?"

"Are the rumors true? Are you dating Richard Castle?" the reporter questioned, gesturing to Castle, whose hand was way to close to the model's ass for Kate's liking.

"What? Er… no," she squinted, lying through her teeth. "No… not at all. Our relationship… as it is… is… um… purely professional."

"Really?" the reporter sounded genuinely surprised by her statement, and looked highly unconvinced by Kate's stammering belief in her own words.

"Um…," Kate frowned, trying to hide the truth in her eyes as she glanced back over her shoulder at Castle, who was having way too much fun, in her humble opinion. They had agreed to keep quiet about them dating… at least for now. It wasn't that she was ashamed or embarrassed to be dating Richard Castle, far from it. She loved him, deeply. But… he had an image… and they'd decided it would probably be best if he worked at slowly changing it before they came out and told the public—and by public, Kate meant the press. Everyone important to her—to them—already knew. All their family and friends were in the know, as was most of the precinct. The rest of the world would just have to wait.

God… now his hand was on that model's ass! _Seriously!_ Her brow lowered and she scowled. "CASTLE! HAND UP!" Kate shouted, unable to hold back her annoyance.

His hand immediately moved up, though his smile remained plastered on his face as if nothing had happened. Smirking to herself, Kate wheeled back around in her chair to find herself face to face with a very unconvinced reporter.

"Purely professional, huh?" the woman raised an eyebrow. "Some display there. Some might say you were keeping your man in check."

Kate narrowed her eyes. She bit back the sharp retort she wanted to give the woman and forced a polite smile. "Just saving him from a sexual harassment lawsuit," she said as nonchalantly as she could.

"I don't think that young woman minded," the report put forth with a mischievous grin. "No woman would. Not with Richard Castle."

Kate swallowed and leaned back, not liking this interview. God, why did she agree to such a thing? Oh yeah… they were promoting Nikki Heat… and it was also good PR for the NYPD—at least that is what Captain Montgomery had said. She could still remember when Castle had dropped this particular bomb in her lap.

They'd been in the shower—essentially for the purposes of getting cleaned up after a long night of passionate lovemaking—but things had been getting heated again, and she was getting in the mood for a little fun in the shower, when he'd nervously informed her about this _Cosmo_ article. Having him in hand, so to speak, at the time, Kate had a little fun torturing him for agreeing to such a thing without consulting her. She wasn't really angry, just annoyed. Their reconciliation after a long summer was still new and fragile and she wasn't ready to step into the spotlight and face that scrutiny of its glare.

So, in retribution, Kate had him get her off with his talented fingers, while she slowly stroked him to the edge. But after she'd come down from her high, she had released her hold around his throbbing arousal and left him in the lurch, ducking out of the shower and drying off, leaving him to take care of himself, much to his disappointment. He'd whined about it for the rest of the morning, but all she had to do was give him a little glare to shut him up. Besides, after the kids went to bed after a long day of family activities, she had more than made up for it.

"Ooh, Beckett!" Castle's excited voice pulled her out of her remembrances. Suddenly she was being abruptly pulled up from her seat. Her eyes went wide in horror as Castle tugged her over to the large backdrop depicting the cover of _Heat Wave_ , shooing away the models, who frowned, bewildered and confused, not used to being so quickly replaced and forgotten, but stepped back nonetheless.

"Castle… what are you doing?" she hissed in a low voice.

"Just thought it'd be nice to get a shot of the writer and his muse," he hummed as he slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her close… a little _too_ close, considering the photographer and reporter watching them.

Kate let out a yelp and her cheeks went bright pink as his hand landed on her ass and he gave a light squeeze. "CASTLE!"

"Picture time," he crooned. "Smile!"

Kate blinked and suddenly bright flashes of light were assaulting her world. She squinted and smiled meekly. The photographer shook his head and told her to smile more. Gritting her teeth, she quickly glanced up at Castle and gave him a heated glare.

"Oh, you're so paying for this later, Mr. Castle," she grumbled out, just loud enough for him to hear.

"Is that a promise, Detective Beckett?" he replied with a smug grin, and suggestive wink. Oh, he knew exactly what she had in mind for his 'punishment'. Sometimes she found it kind of creepy how well he could read her. "Or should I call you 'my muse'?"  
She scowled, unconsciously shifting more into him as she brought a hand up to straighten out his collar. "Castle, you call me a muse again," she purred in a low and sultry voice, grabbing all of his attention. "And I'll break both your legs, okay?" Kate gave him a tight grin and finished adjusting his collar. She then turned back to face the photographer, and smiled widely in victory.

Did she have regrets? Sure, who wouldn't? But on the whole, when all was tallied up, she had no complaints. No. Not anymore. She liked her life. She had a career that she enjoyed and gave her purpose. She had her family, her father Jim, her son Alex, Alexis and Martha too, and she had Castle. They still had a few things to iron out, and would definitely need to go public soon. But for now, they were just enjoying themselves and the love that they shared.

When she'd first met him all those years ago, in that club, she would never have guessed that she had found the love of her life. But she had. And now, after nine years of separation, coupled with some misunderstandings and misplaced guilt, they were finally together again. Kate loved her life. It was a little bizarre and crazy at times… and had taken a little longer than she would have liked to straighten itself out.

But she loved it, and she wouldn't change a thing.

**THE END**


End file.
